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Dear Carolyn: My mother died a few months ago after a long illness. When it became clear that her death was imminent, I shared the news with a handful of friends, thinking they would want to know and give me moral support. With one exception, they reported frequently and were among the first to know when my mother died.
I didn’t hear about the “exception” for two weeks; She initially contacted me about something else and then quickly asked about my mother, as if she had suddenly remembered. When I told her, she asked if she had missed a group message. I told her that I had personally shared the news with people. When she realized a mutual friend knew, she told me she had just spoken to her and she hadn’t told her (as if it was the friend’s fault). She went on to talk about how terrible she felt and that “a few things” had happened and that she had been “checked out.” Pooh. Most of the exchange was about her. She expressed her condolences, asked if I needed anything, and that was about it.
Nothing since then. I tried to focus on all the people who were there for me, but months later it still makes me so angry and upset. In fact, it’s an anecdote I tell when people ask how I’m doing. She’s also been missing for a while with others, so it’s not just me, but I thought she would intervene in this situation. How can I get over this?
Angry and upset: I’m sorry for your loss and that your friend let you down.
However, please stop denigrating her to your other friends for several reasons. One of them is that you don’t know what’s going on in their lives, their minds and their hearts. Maybe she’s uncomfortable dealing with death (there are so many) or with her own nightmare that she doesn’t share with you because you’re grieving, or she’s emotionally retarded in a way that you’ve already experienced, but that hasn’t played a role for you yet. In fact, I understand her dismay at the friend who didn’t inform her of the news.
In other words, there could be an explanation for her stumbling that doesn’t make her a terrible person or friend, just that she’s not very good at it.
Another reason not to badmouth her: She also doesn’t show herself to others, which suggests she’s struggling with something herself.
Another reason is that denigrating them when so many others have stood up for you encourages you to think about them. Yay for your support circle, and yay for you. That’s why we make more than one friend when we can. Not everyone is going to be great at everything.
Another reason is that you may be redirecting your mother’s pain to your boyfriend because he feels like it’s a better place for it. This is not unusual when grieving.
Another reason is that destroying someone looks bad. To stop.
So please grab the reason that will help you forgive your boyfriend or just let the matter go for later if not forever. Because you have enough to sort through at the moment.
· After losing three parents in five years, I feel like an expert on the subject, even though no one wants to be one. So many people are afraid of death or afraid of it. Of my dearest and dearest friends, only one or two can truly bear to talk about deep grief. I think the others know it’s in their future and just can’t do it yet. And I’m glad they don’t have to yet.