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Washington Post columnist Carolyn Hax has not been following the British royal family drama. She avoided the Oprah interview, the Netflix documentary series and the bombastic excerpts from Prince Harry’s new book. Her apology: “For me, it’s Kardashians with crowns.”
But Carolyn’s lack of knowledge of Windsor’s troubles also makes her the perfect person to chime in.
It allows her to see this saga for what it is: the kind of family angst she hears about from her readers every day. If you strip away the titles and the fame and extreme wealth, the gist of this whole drama is very ordinary. Tensions between in-laws. Longstanding sibling power dynamics. The unbearable weight of family expectations. Who can not relate?
Our daily Post Reports podcast brought Carolyn and host Martine Powers some questions (written by producers Jordan-Marie Smith and Sabby Robinson) based on some painfully real situations that royal watchers are sure to recognise. And for each, Carolyn shared advice that anyone – not just Harry, Meghan, Charles and William – might find useful.
Here are the best parts of the conversation, edited for length and clarity:
Listen to the full Post Reports podcast episode: “Help! My family is royally messed up!’
Martine powers: Carolyn, here is the first question: “My brother recently published a paper in which he speaks at length about our very personal family matters. And on top of that, he and his wife released a Netflix documentary about our life and family. I feel like there has been so much toxic communication between us. What should I do? Should I speak out publicly or should I try to talk to him to see if we can finally stop this horrific cycle of public shame?
Carolyn Hax: The first thing that comes to mind is that you have to go to the person. Because if the relationship hadn’t broken up, none of this would have happened. And I think the way to fix something like this is to have your own share of the rupture. Why did that break? What have you personally done to contribute to this problem?
Powers: It sounds like you’re saying you need to call that person and say, “Look, I got this thing wrong. I will acknowledge to you that some of these things were hurtful or that I shouldn’t have.”
Powers: This is a difficult conversation.
Hax: Naturally. What I see a lot with these relationships breaking down on this scale and for so long and so badly is that there are usually some tough conversations that didn’t happen when they should have, because people avoided it or retreated and defended themselves. And instead of just saying, “Okay, you’re right, I’m mad at you. You’ve done a few things wrong yourself, but I’m not getting anywhere with that until I acknowledge the bad things I’ve done.” People don’t want to do that.
It gets even harder when someone responds to your mistake with an even bigger mistake. And I think a lot of people are tempted to say, “It’s working now. What you did was so much worse that it absolved me of everything I did.” And that’s not true. You are still responsible for your part of it, even if it’s much smaller.
The relationship can no longer be saved. It’s still better for you to acknowledge, acknowledge and apologize for what you did wrong, even just for you just because it’s the right thing to do.
The verdict on Prince Harry’s book: Juicy, humorous, resentful and sad
Powers: It sounds like you’re saying that you’re going to go out hurt again and put out a memoir with that person that you know hurt you with all the bells and whistles that that’s a mistake too . Publishing memoirs might not be for everyone, but I think there are a lot of people who, when angry, post on Facebook about how badly they feel they’ve been treated unfairly by a family member.
Hax: If you have an objection to something someone is doing, deal with that person. If you’re just talking about normal people with something going on in their family, I think it’s vanity to show it to the world. Why? Why did you have to tell everyone about this? There has to be a reason to make something public.
In the event of alleged misconduct [such as accusations of racism]that affects other people or compromises an institution, I think it is important to speak up. I don’t think other people can say: If you feel offended by racist behavior, you have an obligation to speak up. I think the injured party is the one who is allowed to make this calculation. But I think if someone chooses to adopt that, it’s totally justifiable. It is important.
Powers: We have one more question: “My husband and I have two young children and we really want them to have a close relationship with their cousins. But over the past few years, my husband and his brother have had a massive argument, and our families don’t really see each other like that anymore. It also doesn’t help that they live in another country. How am I going to explain to my kids why they haven’t been able to see their cousins, and what am I going to do to make sure they can have some sort of relationship with them in the future?”
Hax: I’ve gotten a version of this question many times, and I find it’s one of the harder ones to answer, and here’s why. When you cut off a relative, you need to look down the road and realize that if you don’t provide them with a nuanced understanding of when it’s important to work on things, that kid may cut you off if you’re doing something wrong when it is important to protect yourself and cut the tie.
If you want to explain it to a child like a child, it’s almost too much to ask. So I think you end up saying, ‘This is an unfortunate situation and we can’t see it right now. And I know we love your cousins, and I know they love you,” and you just treat it as an unfortunate casualty of circumstance. If you don’t impose your own prejudices on them, they can seek each other out when out in the world.
Powers: The thing that a lot of people struggle with is: should I tell my kid why I think her aunt did some really bad things that I disagree with and that’s why we don’t talk? Should they keep it very secret and then let it remain a mystery for that child’s entire childhood?
Hax: I don’t think the mystery and mystery empowers your kids to handle things because the moment you deny information to people they are looking for it. And they will anyway. There is a point of inevitability in all of this. But I think if you stand by the truth and then what you’ve done with the truth, then generally I think you’re okay. So the truth is the brothers don’t get along, the two families don’t get along and that’s really unfortunate and I wish it were different but we won’t see them the way they used to be. And it’s a basic fact. It doesn’t throw anyone under any fines.
Powers: Okay, so now we have one last question: “Well, I became a widower more than two decades ago. When I wanted to remarry the new love of my life—or maybe the longtime love of my life—my sons begged me not to do it. I did it anyway. But I recently learned how unhappy one of my sons was with my decision to continue this marriage. I love my wife. She has been a rock by my side and it hurts that my son doesn’t see how important she is to me and our family. What do I do now?”
Hax: Live with it. You can’t get people to change their minds about how they feel, and the more you do, the firmer they become. In this situation, the father has to acknowledge that he misread and that it cost him their relationship. And it goes back to the original answer that we talked about, where you just have your share of it for yourself, for your own conscience. Say, “You know what? I misread this and I’m really sorry.”
You can talk for days about, “It was my life to live. I have to make my own choice. I’m not going to use my traumatized child to decide who my life partner will be.” You can say all of these things, and they will all be true, but there is also an emotional truth, and the emotional truth is that there is a sore point in that this child will be.
Powers: Do you hear how people go through situations like this?
Hax: I can’t think of a direct analog, but definitely the general idea of someone stating a condition that’s just so hard and complicated. And here’s the thing: If the sons wrote to me that they wanted to make this condition, I would tell them no, don’t do it. Don’t expect that kind of disappointment. Don’t depend your emotional health on your father’s decisions. Your emotional health depends on you, and the moment you put it so into someone else’s hands, you demand a life of complications.