She never pretended to be a makeup artist, she never pretended to be an actress, and she never pretended to be a star. He questions the latter in his somewhat shy, somewhat modest voice, which comes through when you ask him to talk about his success. But Alex Saint (Orihuela, 33 years old), who left her city of 80,000 people to try fashion photography and all that it entails, who took years to begin her transition into a woman with all that it entails, has success. In 2019, her name gained attention as a makeup artist. Today, many of the most-seen faces in Spain – pop phenomenon Aitana; the uber-influencer Dulceida; Ester Expósito, elite actress and one of the most famous Spanish women on Instagram; or Pedro Almodóvar on the cover of ICON – use and praise their services. And that's just part of the story.
Now Saint is one of the main characters of Javis in the new series Vestidas de azul (Atresplayer Premium), this time as an actress. The project picks up the story of Veneno (2020), in which Saint played a small role as the friend of the protagonist Valeria Vegas (Lola Rodríguez). This character is now expanded across multiple chapters, with its own storyline, tough and optimistic, in keeping with the spirit of the project: honoring the trans stories of the past and expanding the trans voices of the present. Getting here wasn't easy or painless, but now Saint is living through a moment that we can call enviable without fear of jinxing it. “I was lucky,” he says, as if nothing had happened, sitting in a cafeteria on Barquillo Street.
Questions. Let's see, luck and good hand.
Answer. I have imposter syndrome deep inside me. But yeah, I think I'll have something I like. It's hard to accept that a makeup artist is doing a series now. And I never planned to be a makeup artist.
Q What has happened there?
R. I went to Barcelona to study fashion photography. So I didn't like how anyone did makeup. And since I'm very controlling and a perfectionist, I said, “If I do it, I'll do it better.” Over time, I found out that you work better in a team, but at that point I had a very clear idea about it what I wanted to photograph. By the way, always blonde girls.
Q Like you.
R. He tried to see me through the photo. I hadn’t started my transition yet. I met [la modelo] Jessica Goicoechea, this prototype of the mega-strong blonde aunt, the powerful and strong woman that I wanted to see in others and in myself. I started taking photos of her and eventually became her manager, her makeup artist, her stylist, everything. From then on, Dulceida called me to do her makeup at Goya and suddenly I was more of a makeup artist than anything else. The makeup I did back then was not the typical one done here in Spain.
Q How is this done in Spain?
R. The actresses always seem very natural here. I started doing this American makeup, very elaborate but because of the colors it looks natural. After Dulceida, I saw a boom in the influencer world. Ester Expósito called me, Aitana called me.
Actress Alex Saint from the series “Dresses in Blue” on a street in Madrid's Chueca district.Moeh Aitar
Q You started having your own name.
R. Aitana's fans ask me for photos, they recognize me. People who may have never met a transsexual in their life now know that there is one and that they do Aitana's makeup. This is normalizing. It's my way of doing activism.
Q How has your transition impacted this journey?
R. I started quite old, at 25, almost 26. Like so many people in our group, I didn't have the childhood or youth that I would have liked. They weren't bad either, but I haven't experienced many of the crazy things that were supposed to happen back then. After my transition, which I put at almost 30, I started going out, meeting people and having fun. I needed the euphoria… What happens is that we all know that after the peaks come the valleys.
Q He did Alles's makeup for the Venom test and the Javis encouraged him to do his own casting. There she left the role of Sacha, the protagonist's friend. What's your imposter syndrome like there?
R. It's very difficult to go wrong with the Javis. They get out of you what they want, what they see in you. The thing is, I was very insecure there. It was the first time I stood in front of a camera and filmed with them. I, who was doing nothing, was at my house in Barcelona suffering from severe depression.
Q A persistent or isolated depression?
R. I tend to get depressed. I think it's partly genetics and partly due to the experiences I've had since I was a child. Now there's a lot of talk about mental health and all that, but I grew up like everyone else and didn't know what anxiety was or what therapy was, you know? In my city, going to the psychologist was like… I remember one of my best friends now. Her mother died when she was little and they took her to the psychologist and it was a very strange thing.
Q Her character in Dressed in Blue is all about mental health. Sacha faces the ordeal of transgression, longing for a fully cis appearance and never feeling like it will be achieved. That there is always a telltale sign, an operation that lies ahead. Which is never enough. What did you think when they presented the plot to you?
R. I practically created my storyline, it's not something that was presented to me. The Javis know me and suggested I tell this part of myself: mental health, dysphoria. I had a lot of problems with it. I have made the transition very old and there are times when I have seen myself in it. Where do I fit now? Where will I move, where will I flirt? Where do you want me? Where do they even want me? Ultimately, it's about the question of how you fit into the world as a trans woman.
Q “Where do they want me?” It’s all there, right?
R. For me this is life. The job we have, the things we want to achieve, are based on feeling accepted, wanting to belong, and that means others love us. If they talk about self-love, then yes. Self-love is also not possible without that of others. If you feel that the environment you are in is hostile, it will lead to an unhappy life for you.
Actress Alex Saint from the series “Dresses in Blue” on a street in Madrid's Chueca district.Moeh Aitar
Q In the series and also in his life, this misfortune is transferred to the physical level.
R. It is common to punish ourselves physically when bad things happen to us internally. Sacha blames the fact that she isn't cis enough or that others don't see her as the woman she thinks she is. She compares herself to her friend, who is cis, and is afraid that he will leave her because she is not feminine enough. This insecurity ultimately destroys everything around you. Relationships with your friends, with your partner work. When you get caught in a loop, it's something very dark. Thanks to that, I survived. To my friends, my mother and my family.
Q What have you survived, how would you define it?
R. Want to die. Literally. I mean, I often don't know if…
Q Should we stop and think about it?
R. I don't really want to think about it either. It's what I felt. I've wanted to die several times throughout my life because I've come to the conclusion: 'If that's what life offers me, then I don't want it.' I don't want to suffer.'
Actress Alex Saint from the series “Dresses in Blue” on a street in Madrid's Chueca district.Moeh Aitar
Q Have you suffered from external or internal rejection?
R. There came a time when I no longer knew. When they tell you it sucks all the time, this is what comes to mind. This is disgusting. That you will never live a normal life, that you are not lovable, that you are not desirable enough. Nobody cares about your pain. Nobody understands you. The others are cis and you are trans.
Q And that, he says, even poisons his friends.
R. When I talk to my friends about the things that have happened to me with cis straight guys, one cis friend always comes up who wants to empathize with you but tells you, “That doesn't seem like a big deal to me…” '. It's just not quite the same for you as it is for me.
Q Someone wants to help you, and you have to say, “There’s a little barrier.”
R. Even if people want to help you, it's difficult. In the end, only another sister will understand you, you know? Another brother, another sister. All this pain, what are you doing with it? What do you do with it?
Q A career as a makeup artist, you know. Or a series.
R. I have suffered a lot with this issue, but the opportunity to do a series, to do this interview, to do things that help, that contribute, gives meaning to this pain. Imagine someone identifying with that and reading it in the newspaper saying, “Shit, this trans woman is on the back of EL PAÍS saying things that touch me.”
Q You are not on the back of EL PAÍS because you are a trans person. She's here because she was a top make-up artist and actress in one of the shows of the month.
R. I'm relieved that you're doing this. When I started my transition, my psychologist said to him: “But will my life now be limited to talking about it?” In my personal life, the fact that I am trans is no longer as present. At my job… It's something that seems to be on your face. The trans woman. Anyway, I've internalized that the problem for now…exists, is there. It's time to talk about it and for us to do it.
Q Because real trans stories are not always as tragic as the stereotypes claim.
R. I wanted to show that with Sacha. The journey of finding yourself as a person, something that applies not just to a trans person but to everyone. We all get divorced, we get older, we move, we all have losses, we all struggle with grief. And what came out on the other side always seemed better to me. As I told you, I've seen myself saying, “I'm not leaving here, it's over.” Be a little kamikaze and think, “Come on, I'll stay at the party for a while to see.” “What happens when everything is already lost, but…”
Q But I think that every day he takes his coat and goes.
R. And then wonderful things happen.
Actress Alex Saint from the series “Dresses in Blue” on a street in Madrid's Chueca district.Moeh Aitar
Q What do these wonderful things look like?
R. I discover that happiness lies in being calm. I've looked for happiness in many places, with many people, on many adventures, and it turns out that it all depends on surrounding yourself with a group of people who promote your peace of mind, on having a partner who… takes care of you, and for a long time. Long-term life project with values. . I hardly see anyone, I'm having a hard time socializing lately, and I don't like the routine of going to events or parties at the moment. I have a pretty boring life, which I really appreciate.
Q Is the make-up artist tired of masks?
R. I'm tired of giving explanations, going to places I don't feel like going, talking to people I don't care about, and being in situations that I consider absurd. I want to be with my dog more, watch a movie, with my three friends who already understand me. Maturity gets everyone there.
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