The list of “How men are different from women” is created when we are born and continually updated throughout our lives.
It begins with information about how our father treats us, how he treats our mother, sister and other women. It depends on how our brother treats girls and women. His friends. The boys at our school. Men we meet at university and at work.
We also take advice from the women in our lives. It is rarely positive. Men are only after one thing (your mother). Don't be the last one left on the shelf, otherwise the men won't want you (your grandma). Men want sex, women want love (companionship). The man should make the first move, otherwise you will be viewed as an asshole (your friends).
The truth is that most of our beliefs about men are distorted in the worst possible perspective – and that doesn't do us any favors either.
According to Tracey Cox, most of our beliefs about men are distorted in the worst possible perspective (stock image)
Why it hurts women to think badly of men
If you believe that all men cheat, expect your boyfriend to do the same. Instead of dumping him when you find out, you make a bit of a fuss… and then accept it. All men do that, right? It will happen whoever you choose?
You've practically received a vacation pass.
If you think that all men are boastful sex studs, that means you believe they will say or do anything to get you into bed. They view men with suspicion and distrust. Not the best way to win someone over or build a relationship.
The fact is that while men and women are different, we are much more similar than we expect.
Let’s click “Delete” on some harmful beliefs that have been doing the rounds for ages.
LIE ONE: MEN ARE SEXUAL HATS
You are ready, willing and able to have sex anytime, anywhere, with anyone.
Oh really?
At the time I was dating an Italian guy who was introduced to me by a mutual friend. The first date was perfect – including the sexy kissing at the end. Date two…not so much. We watched a movie at my place and he was only interested in watching the movie.
I asked my friend what the problem was. “That’s because you write books about sex,” he said. “But he knew that,” I told him. Language barrier. It turns out he thought I said “sad books,” and since he knew I had a degree in psychology, he thought I wrote books about depression.
This illustrated why he felt compelled to explain in extraordinary detail how he was feeling every time I asked, “How are you?” But what about the legendary Italian machismo? “You write sex books, so you’re a scary woman,” my friend announced, “even for an Italian.”
Women believe that men are brimming with sexual confidence. Research (and experience) shows that the opposite is true.
A study by British urologists found that around 11.7 million men in the UK report having problems with sex. One in eight men have problems with it every time. 60 percent of British men have avoided sex due to performance anxiety.
The truth
Men's main motivation is not always to have sex and they do not have much confidence in their sexual abilities.
Very often they actively avoid sex – especially if they like you and want to impress you. They – and their penises – are just as vulnerable as we are. Especially at the beginning of a relationship.
Tracey Cox said the stereotypes women hold about the opposite sex could be doing more harm than good
LIE TWO: MEN ALWAYS MAKE THE FIRST MOVE
Men find many women intimidating. For example, women who write sex books. Women with large, spectacular breasts should not be looked at. A girl whose face looks strikingly similar to his ex, but who he can't quite get over. Or a job that pays twice his salary; Legs that seem too beautiful to wrap around his big belly.
If he feels like he's falling behind – and it doesn't take much – you may find that you're the one who doesn't have to fend off his advances, but rather make them.
I'm not talking about a one-nighter – hell, he'll rip your dress off as soon as you get to the front door. There's a lot less at stake in casual sex because you don't care what the other person thinks about you.
But if he thinks this could lead to a relationship, having sex for the first time may be even more daunting for him than it is for you.
The truth
Why? Well, his first concern is obvious: he's worried that his penis won't be the biggest you've ever seen. It's out there for everyone to see and remember, not shyly hidden like our genitals.
Then there's the worry that that penis might not work when he needs it most. Again, we can fake excitement, he can't. Or maybe it works, but too well and it's over too quickly. He may be able to fake an orgasm, but he can't fake an erection after he's just had one.
And all before he's even had time to worry about hitting on you. Suppose he can't find your clit and rubs it in the wrong place and you think he's an idiot? It's not like he can ask for directions now, is it? He's a guy. Guys are supposed to know things like that.
LIE THREE: MEN DON'T WANT LOVE AND COMMITMENT
If you believe that men just want sex and it is freely available, then why would they ever choose just one woman?
Around half of all people in the UK are married.
Are you telling me that all these women dragged their future husbands kicking and screaming down the aisle?
This is such an old-fashioned, antiquated view that I find it difficult to accept that anyone under 50 actually believes it.
But believe it.
I hear it (depressingly) often when I talk to women in their late teens and early 20s. “He won't commit – he's a man.” “I'd like a relationship, but I won't suggest it.” I leave it to him. He probably doesn’t want anything serious, men never want that.”
This concept of “waiting” for the man to make the decisions in our lives. Why is it still hanging around?
Are we back in the 1950s dance hall, women on one side, men on the other, waiting for men to cross the room?
The truth
Reputable research from 2019 found that men may experience feelings of love more quickly and express them earlier than women.
Studies also show that men and women want the same thing from a long-term partner: kindness, intelligence, understanding, and someone who will love them in return.
The truth is that men benefit MORE from commitment and enjoy it more than women.
A groundbreaking study of 20,000 people conducted over ten years found that married men and men in long-term relationships are much happier than the women they live with. This finding has been repeated many, many times. Being married increases well-being for men, but does not provide the same boost for women. (There's no prize for guessing why: the women are still the ones doing the shopping, cooking, and cleaning.)
Other research has found that men benefit from marriage because it gives them peace of mind. They take fewer risks, earn more money at work, and live longer.
In contrast, women who have never married or had children are the healthiest and happiest population subgroup.
Why should men avoid commitment?
LIE FOUR: MEN ALWAYS CHEAT WHEN THEY HAVE HALF A CHANCE
I've asked many people this question throughout my career: How would you feel if you could cheat and get away with it, but didn't have to give your partner permission to do the same?
Almost everyone grins and says (not entirely seriously): “Sounds good to me!”
Everyone understands why even people in happy relationships feel the urge to sleep with someone new. People like variety: it's that simple.
Most of us don't do this because the short-term benefits – excitement and hot sex – don't outweigh the long-term benefits of fidelity. Security, love, contentment, having a great father/mother for your children.
Men love their wives, kids, couples, and Netflix-on-the-couch life just as much as women. Every person wants to feel loved, safe, secure and accepted.
Anyone who cheats knows that if they find out, everything could be lost.
The truth
Men still cheat more often than women, but the gap is narrowing.
Statistics vary, but the consensus is that about 20 percent of married men and 13 percent of married women will have sex with someone other than their spouse during their marriage.
But let's look at it another way: This means that 80 percent of men do NOT cheat on their wives.
If your partner does this, he is the exception rather than the norm.
So no, women don't have to put up with men cheating on us, just like they don't have to put up with our infidelity.
Thinking otherwise is self-defeating.
Tracey's two ranges, Tracey Cox Supersex (for women and couples) and Tracey Cox Edge (for men), are available in (and many other countries around the world).