For almost an hour I ranted and raved, accused and justified myself in the counselor’s room. I cried a lot too.
In contrast, my then-husband didn’t shed a tear, but held himself rigid, head and neck rigid, as he coldly, almost robotically, delivered his crushing blows to our relationship.
The therapist would have known that we were both in pain. It was only our third session, but also our last as my partner of 23 was about to go on sabbatical – a spiritual journey to South and Central America to “find himself”.
I think we both realized that our marriage was really over, but as we silently walked to the train station together, each deep in thought, a sudden wave of relief washed over me.
It would continue to hurt, I knew it, but with that low came the realization that the agony of the past two years, when our marriage first began to fall apart, would begin to ease from now on. It would never feel this bad again. That episode came back to me as I read a new scientific report this month that strongly found that living with a partner is linked to healthier blood sugar levels.
LINDA KELSEY: “Not only have I seen a bad marriage and suffered when it ended, but as you get older you see it in friends.”
“Here’s what I went through leading up to our breakup. Insomnia. panic attacks. Anxiety affecting my balance and breathing. tension headache. hair loss scaly skin’
Based on a study of 3,335 adults in England aged 50 to 85, the research built on many previous reports that also identified health benefits of living together, including a reduced risk of stroke and depression.
On the other hand, a change in relationship status, such as divorce, leads to harmful increases in blood sugar levels, which in turn can lead to diabetes and heart disease, the study’s authors, from the Universities of Ottawa and Luxembourg, said.
So far so interesting. And yet this study said something very surprising — that the health benefits existed regardless of whether the relationship was happy or not. This confuses me, because surely a bad marriage damages your health on every level.
Not only did I live and suffer through one as it ended, but as you get older you see them again and again with friends.
Here’s what I went through leading up to our breakup. Insomnia. panic attacks. Anxiety affecting my balance and breathing. tension headache. hair loss scaly skin
Oh yeah, and weight loss too, because unlike some who eat for convenience and gain pounds — which no doubt increases their risk of diabetes, no matter what the researchers say — I lose my appetite when I’m desperate. Since I’m initially skinny, I don’t welcome that.
My partner didn’t tell me all of his symptoms—we were past the sharing stage—but I did witness him tossing and turning at night when I lay awake staring at the ceiling. And I noticed his perpetual frown and a previously nonexistent belly fueled by devouring entire packets of Haribo candy at one time. Again, this will not have helped reduce his chances of getting diabetes.
During this time he also developed tinnitus, which various studies have linked to stress.
“If divorce can be harmful, staying can take a terrible toll. I look around at people I know and I see it in some of their relationships – and also in their health issues.
The truth is that marriage is perhaps the most important thing to health because it keeps you from feeling lonely, and we have proven beyond a reasonable doubt that loneliness is harmful.
It leads to increases in stress hormones like cortisol, obesity, heart problems and cognitive decline. Some scientists say it’s as bad for you as smoking a pack of cigarettes a day.
But here’s the catch. Anyone who’s lived through a bad marriage knows there’s nowhere lonelier.
For 18 months before we separated, my husband and I continued to share the same bed, with no intimacy, and the same home office, hours passing in complete silence.
My sense of loneliness was much more acute than after he packed up and left.
If divorce can be damaging, staying can take a terrible toll. I look around at people I know and I see it in some of their relationships – and also in their health issues.
An acquaintance, Dawn, says she hasn’t loved her husband in the 40+ years they’ve been married. She has no intention of leaving him, but when I ask her to describe the impact her marriage is having on her health, there’s no stopping her.
“Well, there’s irritable bowel syndrome – it literally started on the honeymoon; breast cancer, which came much later, and high blood pressure. And the never-ending depression.
“It may not be very scientific to blame my marriage, but there is no history of any of this in my family.”
“For many people, especially women, a bad marriage is undoubtedly bad for health”
Dawn says she mostly blames herself. “I knew before we walked down the aisle that Robert was probably a bad choice,” she says. “But he was what I wanted: he was a successful businessman, cocky and confident.
“He was tall and broad-shouldered, and even his physical presence seemed to convey security. All the things I longed for after witnessing my own parents’ divorce as a young girl and watching my mother drift in and out of relationships and never settle down.
The problems started almost immediately after the wedding, Dawn admits. “Nowadays,” she continues, “I guess you’d call it coercive control. The small review started on our honeymoon.
‘You look fine,’ he said as I dressed for a day of sightseeing in Venice, ‘but I’m not sure the color red suits you.’
“He’s cooked him thousands of dishes over the years and pointed out the one thing that wasn’t right, like ‘zucchini is a bit overcooked,’ rather than praising the rest of the meal.
“And when we were out with friends, he would interrupt him and say, ‘Well, Dawn, you can’t possibly mean that.’ ‘
Over the years, Dawn continued to play her role as a contented mother, but it came at a huge price. “Shortly after my second child was born, I couldn’t stop crying,” she says. “I went to the doctor and he put me on antidepressants and I’ve been on them ever since.
“I tried to pretend life was okay. Our homes grew in size and status, which didn’t bother me, and my children were my world.”
Robert wasn’t around much as he was often abroad on business. “I suspect he’s had affairs,” adds Dawn, “but when I thought about him with other women, I didn’t feel much and never confronted him.
The conclusion of diabetes research that it might somehow be healthier to stay in a bad relationship than to leave it is certainly preposterous and contradicted by other research as well
“Whenever he was around, he would criticize my ‘sloppy’ parenting skills in front of the kids and scold them too. But I still thought it would be better for her to have a full-time father than for us to break up.
After the children left home, Dawn once again tried to gather the courage to leave the marriage. However, she was diagnosed with breast cancer, which was successfully treated, and stayed.
“I’m a coward because I like my comfort and my beautiful home—my safe haven—and I’m afraid no one else will want me,” she says.
“I look in the mirror and despite botox and fillers, which I’ve drunk copiously, I see an old woman bitter to the core.”
That’s not how I see Dawn at all. She has never been less than kind, but she is filled with aching regrets and a sense of hopelessness.
“Now Robert is retired and it’s agony. Without the anti-depressants I don’t know what I would do. We have nothing in common, nothing to talk about except the kids.”
She adds: “In a weird way, he’s a little less critical now, but he’s still in control. Ever since he retired he’s always wanted to know where I am. If I go out with a girlfriend, when will I be home? If I go shopping, what do I get?
‘He’s getting forgetful. I’m afraid he has the beginnings of dementia. It sounds awful, but I don’t want to have to deal with him – the thought terrifies me.”
Dawn is determined it’s all her fault for not getting out sooner, so she keeps on taking the pills, has next to no energy and is aware that time is running out.
“My blood pressure has exploded,” she says, “and I continue to live with a man who doesn’t know I’ve been living a lie for 40 years.”
“The truth is, perhaps the most important thing about health is marriage because it keeps you from feeling lonely, and we’ve proven beyond a reasonable doubt that loneliness is harmful.”
One of the benefits of marriage, some studies claim, is that a “nagging” other half encourages healthier habits. But here, a bad marriage can be worse than none at all.
In a public health briefing, the Tavistock Center for Couple Relationships cited two studies that found women tend to drink more than men in response to relationship difficulties and low intimacy.
Another study that followed couples for nine years found that husbands were more likely than wives to drink more in response to marital discord. Whatever the case, the conclusion is that marital problems lead to more and more harmful alcohol use.
While researching this article, I spoke to a woman named Alice, 52. For the mother of four, the physical and mental toll of one of the most significant relationships of her life has been enormous, including a 5 st weight gain.
An early relationship resulted in the birth of their first child, but it was the disintegration of her later marriage to “vibrant, charismatic, spontaneous Simon,” whom she met in her late 20s, that took the heavier toll.
“Right from the start he had a lot of attention from other women,” says Alice. “I loved the family aspect because I was a wife and a mother, but he had so many affairs. I’ve had women show up at the door and write me letters to say they were having an affair with my husband.
“Maybe they thought I was going to leave him if they told me.”
Every time Alice confronted Simon, he either defended himself or said nothing. “The rejection was terrible,” she explains. “It happened again and again. He was happy to have his affairs and to stay with me.
“I’ve gained a lot of weight – almost 5 hrs. I was only in my 30s and was in a lot of pain and had to have my gallbladder removed due to the weight gain. It’s surprising that I didn’t get diabetes. I had this general feeling of being unhealthy and trapped at the same time.
“I expected to be loved, valued and respected. I hid my fear and lost many friends because I didn’t speak up.
“The humiliation was appalling. Whenever I tried to finish it, he asked for forgiveness and I wanted it to work. But if I didn’t finish it, I felt like I was going to lose my mind.
When the relationship finally ended, Simon moved out and then stopped paying the mortgage. For a while, Alice and her children had to live in a hostel.
But her unwavering determination, the support of her mother and sister, and eventually her friendship with her ex-husband gave her the courage to start a new life.
The conclusion of diabetes research that it might somehow be healthier to stay in a bad relationship than to leave it is certainly preposterous and contradicted by other research as well.
People who live alone, and men in particular, I would suggest, tend to collapse in health when there is no one to get them to get checks. After the divorce, they may lead less healthy lives, making them vulnerable to diabetes. But for many people, especially women, a bad marriage is undoubtedly bad for health.
“I felt overwhelmed and so tired,” says Alice. “But I also realized that an unhealthy relationship makes you unhealthy.
“I hadn’t taken care of myself physically, but after becoming single, I finally got excited about taking good care of myself.”