DEAR AMY: My parents died within the last three years after leading wonderful, full and very long lives.
My five adult siblings, all in their 70s, talk about visiting my parents' graves as if they were still alive – as in, “I was at Mom and Dad's today” or, “I'm going to visit Mom and Dad.” ” on Christmas day.”
That annoys me.
They seem to deny the fact that our parents are no longer here and left us a beautiful legacy.
Saying they will see mom and dad seems disrespectful.
They will think, think, smile, cry…but they won't come to visit.
This little thing gets on my nerves.
Does anyone else find this strange?
– Annoyed
DEAR ANNOYED: I welcome feedback from readers, but I feel that while this may seem strange to you, it doesn't really seem strange or disrespectful to me.
People who visit gravesites know that their family members are dead. It is an inescapable fact.
But no two people deal with loss in the same way. Many people long for contact and find comfort in visiting gravesites. Your siblings may actually believe they are communicating with the spirits of your parents. More likely, they're not quite ready to use words like “grave,” “cemetery,” or “grave.”
And as tempting as it is to apply rational nomenclature to your deceased parents, you can't really determine how your siblings process this loss or how they perceive your parents' existence.
However, you have the right to be upset.
It might be a good idea to ask them to explain what they think when they refer to your people in this way. I doubt any of them will tell you that they believe your people are actually alive, but when they visit their gravesites they remember and rekindle the relationship that may be very much alive to them.
***
DEAR AMY: Over 50 years ago, at the end of our senior year of college, a friend told me she was pregnant and asked me to be her baby's godmother.
I was young, immature and didn't think about the responsibility, but I agreed.
I should never have done that. Aside from briefly babysitting and attending the formal Catholic baptism, I didn't have much contact with the child. The college friend married the baby's father and they had a seemingly happy, successful family life.
After I got married a few years later, my husband and I moved to another state. The friend and I had no contact other than exchanging Christmas cards.
Every year she sends a Christmas card with a short note about family news.
I am sorry for not fulfilling my duties as a godparent and I would like to send a letter of apology saying that it is long overdue that I am sincerely sorry for letting the family down, and that I am sure they are hurt.
I don't expect forgiveness or an attempt to build a deeper relationship from them.
I just want to admit my failure, apologize and leave it at that.
I would rather give up the relationship.
Is that advisable? Or is there a reason why I should just leave things as they are?
I don't want to make things worse or cause more damage.
– Wonderful godmother
DEAR GODMOTHER: My instinct is that your embarrassment about this has led you to exaggerate the impact of your neglect on this family. Some sponsors take the role very seriously; many don't.
You were close to this family for a while, then parted ways.
The child's parents largely determine how the sponsorship relationship will proceed by inviting, incorporating, and paving the way for their own expectations.
To answer your question: Yes – you could contact us and acknowledge that this is on your mind, but don't exaggerate the impact of your failure.
You could write something like: “I really regret that I wasn't a more involved sponsor; Looking back, I definitely wish I had moved up. I wish I had been the godfather your child deserved, and I’m sorry that wasn’t the case.”
***
DEAR AMY: Thank you for encouraging “Already Grieving” to celebrate a birthday with her terminally ill cousin.
We did this in our family with my father, and although it was very difficult, it truly became a celebration of his wonderful life.
– Grateful son
DEAR GRATEFUL: Beautiful.
(You can email Amy Dickinson at [email protected] or send a letter to Ask Amy, PO Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. You can also follow her on Twitter @askingamy or Facebook.)
©2023 Amy Dickinson. Distributed by Tribune Content Agency, LLC.
(You can email Amy Dickinson at [email protected] or send a letter to Ask Amy, PO Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. You can also follow her on Twitter @askingamy or Facebook.)