Published at 1:18 am. Updated at 10:00 a.m.
Marie-Paule* is 70 years old and has never had fun with a man. She was also never happy in a relationship and always believed she had a “manufacturing defect.” Story (must be read to the end!).
“I was dissatisfied in all my relationships. A happy relationship with a man, I don't know. »
We're sitting in her quaint suburban apartment. Marie-Paule, very short, with her cropped hair and clearly defined eyes, clearly does not look her age. Above all, she exudes a fragility that characterizes the character well: she is at the same time shy and fragile, although she is driven by a strong desire to tell her story. “I hope other women recognize themselves…”
Even as a teenager she felt “alone”, had few friends and her parents were rarely present. Her mental health is faltering and she severely lacks self-confidence. “I was in a lot of pain. »
His first sexual encounter? “About 17 or 18,” she said, “with an older man. » He undoubtedly has more experience, but Marie-Paule is “unable” to tell him about her ignorance. “I knew nothing! I didn't know my body, I had never touched myself! So it was shameful and painful […]. But I wanted to know what it was! »
And then ? “He finally became my husband,” she continues, as did the father of her children, in a story that will last ten years.
Not only is she “mentally ill,” she says, the man is also “controlling.” “He was jealous […] and I came from a planet where I knew nothing about life and people and didn't know how to take my place! »
Neither in life nor in bed.
I suffered from his sexuality. Yours. And she was demanding. I had to give him blowjobs. I was forced.
Marie-Paule, 70 years old
“I had no choice, he was stronger than me! »
An equation that leaves little room for her own pleasure. “I hoped I waited, but my partner's sexuality was too overwhelming to give me space. » She can still hear him asking: “Did you come?” »
“But I didn’t even know what it was!” »
Once, and only once, after the birth of her children, during an oral sex activity, Marie-Paule remembers feeling a shiver. “I tried to rediscover that pleasure,” she says, “but it was complicated. […] He didn't help me with this process. »
But that's not all: over time the Lord becomes downright “violent”. “If the #metoo movement had existed…” she lets herself go.
She leaves her partner, leaves with the children, and although the following years are “difficult,” Marie-Paule still has one thing on her mind: her sexuality. “Maybe I have something worth living for and I’m missing out on something? So I went to a sexologist. »
You can't make this up: “After five or six sessions,” our interlocutor continues, “I was lying in his bed… That wouldn't be acceptable today either…”
At the time, she adds with amusement, she didn't question the matter too much. “My desire to have joy kept me from asking myself too many questions! »
No, this “therapy” doesn’t really help him. “All he wanted in bed was blowjobs!” I don't think he ever penetrated me. » Actually, not too touched either… “The only thing he advised me was to try toys. » Which is ultimately no small detail, because Marie-Paule finally dares to go “exploring”. Result ? “I liked the sensations,” she replies. But that isn't a revelation either. “No,” she clarifies. But I feel a wave, like a wave. »
She ends the chapter with the sexologist and then continues her search by consulting a gynecologist. “Maybe it’s my anatomy, a problem with physical function? »
I have a girlfriend, barely penetrated, she tells me she squirts! Do you think I don't feel abnormal on the other hand?
Marie-Paule, 70 years old
“Do I have a defective clitoris? In any case, I didn't find my anomaly…”
In the years that followed, Marie-Paule, now separated, met a handful of men, one-night stands and just as many disappointments. It has to be said that the conditions are anything but profitable, she knows. “I can't express my needs and no one cares about me! » The scenarios follow one another and repeat themselves: “The man comes, he gets hard, he penetrates, he comes, then: Hello, good evening, that's all!” Nobody said to me: “Is there anything that makes you happy would do?” No one has ever asked me that! Not even! »
Is it ignorance? Marie-Paule sees this above all as a kind of “fear”. “As if men were afraid of a woman's penis.” As if my genitals weren't attractive enough for a man to want to touch them…”
In her mid-30s she met another man with whom she spent ten years. A guy she finds “sexy” but with whom things don’t go any better in bed. “He always had his ex on his mind. He even compared my vulva to his sexually! »
It will also be his last life partner. Last lover? Not exactly. In her mid-40s, Marie-Paule was alone again and spent a few years seeing a “boyfriend,” “everyone at home,” she explains. Another disappointment: “For him, a woman is someone you protect, not someone you let come.”
Out of ? Marie-Paule hasn't seen anyone for more than 10 years. “I’m a little parched,” she said, laughing. Then last year, without warning, a man who she called her “lurer” showed up in her life. This story about sleeping outside visibly invigorated her. “I met him in the building. I thought he was handsome, that's for sure, but I never thought about it sexually, never, never, ever! ” she says, blushing. For good reason: his “Lurer” is not yet 30 years old!
But quite “unexpectedly,” as she says, he offered her a “hug.” “Could I refuse? I wasn't able to do that. […] Without physical contact for many years, when a man held me in his arms, I was almost in ecstasy! »
One thing led to another and he found himself in his bed. No, Marie-Paule didn't come. “But that doesn’t matter,” she beams. Let's just say my drifter awakened something in me! […] As if my sexuality had been awakened! » And she wants to take advantage of it. Even though she knows that this adventure has no future, she has had her eye on dating applications ever since. After a lifetime of “frustrations” and “heartaches,” she concludes: “It is certain that I will move forward if I have an opportunity.” […] I don't have any more time to waste! »
* Fictitious first name to maintain anonymity