Published at 1:01 am. Updated at 8:00 a.m.
No more dreams of Prince Charming, Sarah* now wants to have more lovers. She aims for five “sensual friendships”, and at the same time bluntly. A desire formulated as a resolution that is actually the result of a long, individual, feminist and, above all, accepted reflection. There she is.
“I felt really guilty about the sexuality in my family,” begins our interviewee, in her early forties, who only recently met due to COVID. She grew up in France, as you might have guessed, and says she was constantly called a “fuck” by her father and grandmother from a young age. “I was pretty, I was attractive,” she remembers, “and instead of making others feel guilty, they made me feel guilty.” »
An example ? “I walked, people looked at me and said to me: Stop rolling your butt! » And this is undoubtedly where her feminist streak and her current project – sorry: her “experiment”, as she says – was born. “That's where the idea of fucking five guys at the same time comes from,” she confirms in a statement shared at high speed in just an hour, like a long-thought-out story, certainly more theoretical than practical. although visibly ripe.
I want to find the key to satisfying relationships in a heteronormative society when we weren't raised for it.
Sarah
Allow me a little digression. You should know that before it got to this point, Sarah also “wasted” a long time in bed. Take a dump? “I never learned heteronormative codes,” she explains. So “the man who takes charge and the girl who has to be more passive” very little for her. On the contrary: “I have always been more voluntary […], but I felt guilty in bed. “Again? Sarah doesn't really go into detail here, but we understand that the men she knew were always a little surprised when she took certain initiatives and that it killed her momentum.
“Wow!” What are you doing? “, he was often told. “And if I had any wishes, they were never heard. » What kind of requests? We won't really know, just basically: “We didn't have our wishes fulfilled,” she summarizes. So I stopped sleeping with him. » And so, slowly but surely, his couple's sexuality died. From all his couples, from his youth to his entire thirties. Til today. “I've been in a relationship many times […], and all my relationships have developed this way. »
Sarah was even married for 10 years and nothing changed. Nothing ? “I, I want an exchange, a growing desire. But right in front of me a guy comes and wants to spread me out on a table to fuck me doggy style, without foreplay, without exchange, without play! », she illustrates.
Has she already spoken to her partners about it? “There are people you can’t talk to. »
And then there were times when I might not have been ready to discuss it either.
Sarah
But now, today, she is ready. Actually more than finished. In her 40s, Sarah, who had been divorced for several years, began dating, as they say in Tinder language. And she decided that all she wanted was “satisfying sex with men.” Surely she found some. But not necessarily “long term”.
“So I learned to accept seducers with their positive and negative sides. » And this acceptance is crucial: These guys who are actually “super good at connection and sensual games” are also “unsustainable in the long term,” she noted. Hence my idea of having five at a time! » Are you following the argument? “Okay, maybe five is a lot,” she admits with a laugh, “let’s say three guys who are afraid of commitment but are really good at socializing!” »
There are also plenty of such “seducers” on dating apps, she continues. “You see a lot of people saying: I'm looking for a strong connection. And in general they are very good! But you can't know whether it will last one night, a week or two weeks. They want a connection and then they panic. The idea is to keep three or four! »
Because only one, she knows that, and she risks falling into the trap of the “dominated-dominant connection”. No thanks, she said: “Heteronormative domination reflexes no longer appeal to me,” she confirmed. I want something friendly and sensual so that I don't end up with a couple where you're each other's mom or dad. I don't want a man telling me what to do and I don't want to be his mother either. »
Sarah obviously knows what she wants now. Or rather, what she no longer wants. “I want a respectful relationship […] where we make an effort to grow and where sex is the fun! »
But I feel like I wouldn't have that with a man in today's society because we're too hardwired to do things a certain way.
Sarah
How specifically? : “Not listening to a partner from a rhythmic perspective,” she illustrates. As proof of this, Sarah, whose tongue finally loosens up here, has seen men “dissolve when you're on top,” or even “pretend to do cunnilingus,” she giggles. They know it's good, but they don't like it! »
“And that,” she intellectualizes, “is a lack of connection when you are in a consumer dynamic.” »
And if his search was a standard task, do we dare? Does Sarah want to juggle multiple “sensual” relationships without having had a healthy and balanced relationship? Negative. “I’m trying to create the life I want,” she replies. Even if it doesn't correspond to what society wants. »
Certainly easier said than done. When Sarah has virtual conversations with a few men these days, she hasn't yet found the handful of “seducers” she'd like to continue the adventure with. “It’s not easy to meet people who are open and make good contacts,” she says. I have demands! I want the boys to bring me something, I want to grow with it! » “Experimentation” therefore follows.
* Fictitious first name to maintain anonymity