Zion Williamson on Wednesday signed a five-year contract extension with the New Orleans Pelicans, the maximum allowed under the league’s “Designated Rookie Player Extension” rule; Depending on the variables built into the contract, it could net him anywhere from $193 million to $231 million. If you’re thinking this might be a risky investment for the Pelicans in a phenomenally cube-shaped young player who missed his entire third pro season with foot problems and who has played a total of 85 (incredibly productive!) games over his NBA career so far, well yeah, that’s reasonable, if maybe a little dull GM-brainless for my tastes. If you’re thinking, “Boy, the Pelicans would certainly get a lot more value out of this contract if Zion traded some of the sick dunks that made him such a famous and cool basketball star for some sensible layups!” ” then I’m sorry to say you’re the biggest idiot that ever lived.
Or, well, you’ve leveled with the idiot who confronted Zion with this vaguely question-like request to the official press after the contract signing Wednesday night:
Here’s a transcript in case you can’t play videos everywhere:
So you’re talking about longevity, technically a dunk and a layup are worth the same number of points, but we know you love the dunk and the energy it can bring, I mean just curious if you use that as an example how you think about longevity.
holy smoke What a mind. I’ve just crouched down so that I’m now wearing my own sternum as a kerchief. The gist of this, which I’m going to call a question from now on for the sake of simplicity, is this: now that you’re serious about being a real NBA player, it’s not time to start with all that “slam-dunking” to quit ” Nonsense and play more like Kelly Olynyk? I like to imagine what would have happened if Zion had responded to that with something along the lines of, “Well, actually I’ve forgone all dunks from now on in favor of equally sensible, but much more sensible, two-handed layups.” I especially like to picture Pelicans General Manager Trajan Langdon and Executive Vice President David Griffin sitting on the podium to Zion’s right, greening and rushing when he said it. Nobody wants that! The Pelicans don’t sell tickets or Williamson jerseys from damn finger rolls! They don’t land coveted slots on national television on the promise that a newly sobered Zion Williamson will spend the rest of his career emulating Christian Laettner!
Would this compromise be even safer? I think the assumption here is that because layups are more conservative, less stylish, less cool, they must also be better for health. That’s vegetable reasoning. It’s deep and deep white. But does it last? Personally, I can’t think of many notable examples of players injuring themselves while throwing mega-dunks. Intuitively, I might even surmise that dipping is safer than putting the ball in, as far as the kind of knee and lower leg injuries that messed up Williamson’s early career in that both involve jumping, but only dipping involves the ability to short grip the rim to ensure a safe landing. More importantly, the waistband of my pants mysteriously moved up two feet when I typed that heel, and I’m suddenly wearing Coke glasses.
Personally, I really appreciate the nervous tremor in the interlocutor’s voice, as if he appreciates that he’s making the dumbest argument possible in the English language – hell, imagine saying out loud, ” Technically, a dunk and a layup are worth the same number of points I think my mouth would fall off – and gathers his determination to see it through to its dismal and embarrassing end. Pay tribute to this absolute Lord of Dorks! By smacking this pocket protector ass post to a high-visibility NBA press conference, he managed to provoke a lively, funny, animated reaction from Williamson —
I’m a competitor so I don’t think about it when I’m on the pitch: ‘Let me put that ball in, hopefully that’ll make me pass, my career will last longer.’ no I’m thinking about putting this person through the brink. So as far as my dunking goes, that’s always going to happen. It will stay that way. There are none – no matter what they are [gesturing at Pelicans honchos sitting beside him] Speaking of which, I always dip. Come on dude.
— even if it boiled down to “this is the nerdiest shit I’ve ever heard in my life” and included both Zion and Pelicans coach Willie Green laughing at the questioner, and lots of that face too:
When asked “Wouldn’t it be more responsible to wear a belt and suspenders?”
Forsaking one’s dignity to provoke such a reaction from a player is the highest tradition of journalistic integrity. What I have only now discovered, to my absolute horror, is something like an indictment. Oh God.