Comment on this storyCommentAdd to your saved storiesSave
Adapted for an online discussion.
Dear Carolyn: My husband and I have been going through a difficult phase for some time. I found out from our daughter “Erin” that he had cheated on me with the nanny, so I asked him to move out. We sought counseling and it took many months for him to stop blaming me. He kept saying it was my fault for “emasculating” him by riding out the pandemic while he cut his hours and that I basically wasn't a hot 22 year old like our ex-nanny. He even made fun of how thin I had become due to the stress of the affair.
This year he finally started owning up to his behavior and apologizing for everything he had done and we went on dates and had fun together. Erin was so happy that her father was moving back in and said she was relieved that he wouldn't be mad at her anymore. I kept reassuring her that he was never mad at her, but she didn't seem to believe me.
Do you like Carolyn Hax's advice? There's more where that came from. Sign up for her newsletter so you don't miss a column.
She finally confessed that during one of his first custody weekends, he had called her a snitch and said the breakup was entirely her fault. I'm heartbroken and torn between trying to process this new revelation and trying to cast it as the last straw. If he didn't want Erin to “snitch” on him, maybe he shouldn't have had sex in our house where his 12 year old daughter could hear. Am I overreacting?
Torn: Wow. Is “severe underreaction” one of my options?
First, if Erin doesn't have a therapist, it's time.
Secondly, I just want to inspire again. Either I welcome your husband “starting to own up to his behavior,” thereby ignoring the frightening abuse, or I point out the frightening abuse, thereby undermining the work that people like me demand of abusers.
I don't like my options.
I therefore strongly advise you to seek individual advice – because manipulating therapy is part of the abuser's playbook.
And “emasculate” is one of the worst words in the language. It measures value in masculinity (taken away from his wife's scary earning, boohoo!) and not just his humanity. The ideology is grotesque and reductionist for men and women alike. “Dehumanization” or “disempowerment” is a good way to describe a blow that affects our self-esteem, without the gender stereotype. If a fair term doesn't work for a particular situation, then the situation may not be fair and a rethink is needed.
Thehotline.org can help you get started. Just to underscore the change: you convinced yourself that he was “just” a cheater, but now you know he was abusive all along.
· He made fun of your appearance instead of trying to immediately own up to his behavior and atone for it? Is that common? Make fun of you? Blame you for his behavior? He blames his 12 year old!?! These are some deeply harmful actions, and I don't know that fun dates are enough to eliminate them. Take a close look at what you were willing to accept beforehand. Even if you decide that your husband won't move in now, please make sure your daughter doesn't think it's her fault. This assumption is easy to make, even without fear that her father will blame her again. Therapy, stat. And I'm sorry.
· Of course he apologizes now. He probably got dumped by the nanny and found out how much a divorce would cost him. This has to be the final straw that breaks the camel's back.
· Your daughter may be excited for her father to move back in, but the fact that she told you about being called a snitch suggests she may not be ready yet.