The Royal Borough: Kensington & Chelsea (Chapter 5)
Andrew Tate: The Man Who Cared for the World (BBC3)
Finally someone has the courage and common sense to say what an entire generation is thinking: the fashion for neck-to-kneecap tattoos is disgusting.
Millionaire party planner Johnny Roxburgh admired the temporary tattoo of a waiter in The Royal Borough: Kensington & Chelsea (Chapter 5), the series about the characters who live and work there, and chastised him angrily when the young man announced that he would like one Permanent employment would have inking.
“Oh, don’t,” pleaded Johnny, 73. “When you get old, you’ll look like a public toilet wall.”
He’s too nice. The blue-black charring over every available inch of skin, favored by David Beckham wannabes and TOWIE has-beens, looks like a fire outbreak.
What is incomprehensible is that these are supposed to be symbols of individuality and rebellion and yet they are all the same – roses, butterflies, skulls and artfully misspelled inscriptions of hackneyed mottos.
The Royal Borough: Kensington & Chelsea (Chapter 5) gives us a glimpse into the lives of the characters who live and work there
How “unique” is it to get drunk and get “Crape Diem” tattooed on your shoulders?
Not long ago, Lydia, the tattooed lady, was a funny character in a Groucho Marx song: “On her back is the battle of Waterloo, and next to it is the wreck of the Hesperus.”
DIY SOS OF THE NIGHT
In Screw (Chapter 4), the prisoners at Long Marsh Prison were busy painting and decorating the place after senior officer Leigh (Nina Sosanya) decided to put her skills to use. Why not? It is virtually impossible to get a craftsman to appear any other way.
Nowadays Lydia is more of a footballer.
The car she drives could have come from the Chelsea Truck Showrooms, where a converted Land Rover with pink seats and six wheels takes pride of place. It looks like a life-sized Thunderbirds toy and costs half a million pounds.
“The perfect city car,” the seller assured us, and he’s probably right if you plan on shutting down all the Ulez cameras.
We took a quick tour of the more exclusive Hooray Hangouts, including Richard Ward’s supersalon Hair & Metrospa, where the Princess of Wales used to get her signature blow-dry hair.
Then it was on to Brinkley’s Restaurant, where Charles celebrated his 39th birthday party in 1987 – “hosted by Fergie,” noted owner John Brinkley. “I remember he actually looked pretty bored with Diana.”
You didn’t get a chargeback, did you John?
Back at the Chelsea Physic Garden, in the marquee, Johnny R reminisced about Prince William’s 21st birthday party. “It was a jungle theme and we had a giant vodka toboggan made in the shape of an elephant’s head.” A toboggan for those who rarely partake in royal bacchanalia is a partially hollowed-out ice sculpture with vodka squirting out of it. On this table a servant sat like a mahout on his elephant and poured the alcohol.
“Her Majesty looked at me and said, ‘What is that?’” Johnny recalled. “And I said, ‘Ma’am, it’s a vodka toboggan.’ She just said, ‘Mmm.'”
Andrew Tate: The Man Who Groomed The World (BBC3) was a failed attempt to profile this deeply unpleasant man
Vodka drinks and full-body tattoos are the highlight of the class for “social media influencer” Andrew Tate, who is currently facing charges in Romania of rape, human trafficking and forming a criminal gang to sexually exploit women.
Andrew Tate: The Man Who Groomed The World (BBC3) was a failed attempt to profile this deeply unpleasant man, whose public image was based on his contempt for all women. The documentary revealed what was already widely known: Tate is the public face of an organized network that sells online courses on coercive control and bullying.
But for those who only know him as an unsuccessful contestant on Big Brother in 2016, it provided little background or insight. Investigative reporter Matt Shea was more concerned with striking poses by shoving microphones in the faces of men who refused to answer his questions.
Meanwhile, Tate hides out on an estate in Eastern Europe and offers to teach young men to live a life similar to his. This is what success looks like on social media.