Dating Challenges For People With Borderline Personality Disorder: "I’m soon obsessed"

Thea de Gallier BBC Three

Posted on 20221228 5:53 PM / Updated on 20221228 5:54 PM

Borderline personality disorder (BPD) can make romantic relationships intense and difficult (Image credit: Getty Images)

“When I was diagnosed with BPD I thought I would never have healthy relationships.”

Here’s how 21yearold Mae felt when she found out earlier this year that she has Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) — and that’s a sentiment echoed by many others with the same diagnosis on social media.

In Englishspeaking countries, videos with the hashtag #bpdisorder have collected more than 500,000 views on TikTok to date. They’re people sharing their own experiences, sometimes with a dash of humor, and a recurring theme that comes up is heartbreak and toxic relationships.

BPD is becoming more visible on social media, and Liana Romaniuk, a child psychiatrist and professor at the University of Edinburgh in Scotland, believes this is partly because young people view the diagnosis differently than previous generations.

“Some young people I work with ask me, ‘Can I have TPL?’ I think there is a growing awareness,” says Romaniuk.

Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) is a mental health problem that causes emotional instability and can affect how people manage their moods and interact with others. It is thought to affect about one in 100 people.

Getty Images “Honest conversations” are vital to a healthy relationship, says the expert

Many people with BPD have experienced childhood trauma or neglect, which can make relationships difficult as adults. Romaniuk points out that “trauma” doesn’t have to mean anything terrible or offensive — it could be a result of parents’ separation, emotional distance, or the death of one of them at a young age, for example.

Unfortunately, there can be a stigma associated with the diagnosis of TPL.

Romaniuk explains, “Many doctors have historically believed that TPL is untreatable or that people are manipulative.

There is also an “ongoing debate” in professional circles, says Romaniuk, as to whether BPD is actually a personality disorder or a reaction to a past trauma.

“I don’t like the term ‘personality disorder,'” she says. “It sounds like you’re saying something is fundamentally wrong [a pessoa], and that is not the case. I think more of survivors, they are adaptors.”

obsession in relationships

Mae began researching TPL because she noticed she was becoming “obsessive” and anxious in relationships.

“I realized that when I was in a relationship, my symptoms were much stronger and more dysfunctional,” says she, who was diagnosed in March 2021.

“I get obsessive very quickly. I will constantly want to call or text and isolate myself from other friends give up my hobbies and devote all my time to this person.”

Simple things for those who don’t have BPD can be huge for those living with the disorder.

“Once I was at a friend’s apartment when I got a text from her boyfriend and his tone of voice really freaked me out I literally grabbed all my stuff and said ‘I have to go’ and ran 15 minutes away to his apartment.

“I had a full blown panic attack. Everything turned out to be fine, so I went back to my girlfriend’s house. It must have been really bizarre for her, but I couldn’t have sat down and talked because the panic would continue to build.”

Fear of abandonment can also manifest as hostility.

“In the last few weeks of my last relationship, I broke up with my ex, said he was leaving a few times, and was very spiteful,” says Mae.

Getty Images TPL can strain relationships

“When he finally broke up with me, I was absolutely devastated. I called him crying and asked him to come back. The end of the relationship was directly related to my TPL.”

Since her diagnosis, Mae began a treatment called Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT), a type of talk therapy for people who have trouble regulating their emotions. He also started taking antidepressants.

“I feel a lot more positive,” she says. “When I was first diagnosed it felt like a death sentence and it would remain so for the rest of my life, but TCD is showing me a way out.”

It’s important to note that not everyone diagnosed with BPD behaves the same way, says Romaniuk: “You can’t judge an entire group of people by three letters.”

BPD Symptoms or Abusive Behavior?

Partners of people with BPD can also find it difficult at times — although many are able to form healthy relationships with the condition.

This was not the case with Ellen*.

The 32yearold woman dated a man diagnosed with BPD last year. “I don’t know how it could have been different if he hadn’t had a TPL,” he says. “I think I excused a lot of abusive behavior because I thought maybe that was part of the condition.”

Ellen explains that her expartner “felt guilty” about me leaving him alone, to the point that she started coming home from work early.

“If we had any disagreements, he would stop talking to me,” he adds. “I made a lot of compromises thinking it was TPL. He started leaving me every three days — he left in the middle of the night, then came back and told me I was the love of his life.”

She says some of his behavior was abusive. But is that a fair term for people with the condition?

“This is a really important question that gets to the heart of us as human beings,” says child psychiatrist Romaniuk.

“With TPL, you’re still yourself. It might predispose you to react in a certain way, but I think there’s still a certain level of accountability for what you’re doing at any given moment. Most of the time the behavior isn’t manipulative, but sometimes it can be.”

Getty Images Some people with BPD often want to call and text people

Most of the time, however, the behavior comes from the fear of being abandoned.

“From what other people with TPL have told me, there’s a tendency to push before you’re pushed,” says Romaniuk.

“You can come up with reasons to end a relationship or create tests to make sure your partner is really there for you. This is unconscious it is not an obvious manipulation. From your brain’s survival perspective, it’s always better to be on guard and wait and see what happens. “The worst.”

She encourages “honest conversations” between partners when a person has BPD, but also advises people without the condition “not to neglect their wellbeing.”

Romaniuk also points out that every person with BPD is different, and the label does not predispose anyone to certain behaviors.

“Some of the most lovable, dynamic and interesting people I know have TPL,” he concludes.

*Some names have been changed

This article was originally produced in English for BBC Three.

This text was published at https://www.bbc.com/portuguese/geral64107883