Dear Jane,
I've been married for six months now – and so far it's been quite up and down due to an unforeseen conflict between me and my new husband.
Before we got married, we had all of these “big” discussions that everyone guesses we should have – shared finances, kids, political affiliation… all that stuff. But we left one topic completely undiscussed, I think mainly because none of us thought it would be a problem: the name change.
As silly as it may sound, I really like my name and feel like I've worked hard to make that name known in my industry. When people asked if I would change him, I immediately answered: always “no”. This is exactly what I told my husband when he asked a few days after the wedding.
The thing is, he wasn't asking “if” but “when”… which, as you can imagine, made my answer a little awkward.
In the weeks that followed, the topic became more and more of an issue in our relationship. It turns out that my husband is a firm believer that a woman should take her partner's name after marriage – an idea that I think is completely outdated and, frankly, a bit sexist.
But to him, my refusal to change my name apparently means I don't love him enough?
Several friends told me to just give in, that a name wasn't worth jeopardizing my relationship, and that I could just keep using my maiden name professionally.
Which…I see. To a certain degree. But I think I'm doing myself and my marriage a disservice if we just sweep this issue under the rug?
What do you think I should do?
Out of,
Newlyweds upset
Dear newlywed annoyance,
The practice of changing names dates back to a time when women were literally considered “movable property” or “personal property” of men. Back then, women had very few rights and were forbidden from owning property or having control over their personal finances.
Remarkably, this was the case until the early 20th century, but fortunately we have come a long way since then. Unlike generations before us, we women enjoy full and equal rights and do not have to belong to anyone to leave our parents' house and build an independent life of our own.
Whether bowing to or embracing a centuries-old tradition, many women often choose to adopt their husband's family name as a sign of their love and devotion and/or to share the same last name as their future children.
International bestselling author Jane Green offers sage advice on readers' most pressing issues in her Dear Jane Agony Auntie column
For many, if not most, it comes naturally and is something they enjoy doing. Interestingly, in some cultures it is men who take their wives' surnames.
The bottom line here is that this is a personal decision for women. Meeting and getting married, especially when we are older, can make it more difficult to find a man's name.
While hindsight is a wonderful thing, and something you both would have talked about along with the prescient list of topics you so carefully explored before taking the plunge, I imagine you had no idea how hurt he would be if he expected you to continue your work life with the name you've always had.
According to a Pew Research survey, eight out of 10 women still use their husband's name, while five percent hyphenate their name to integrate the two, and others still change their name legally but keep their maiden name professionally (which I have done and have some). concerns given how much confusion it sometimes causes).
I love my husband very much and love being his wife and have reflexively taken his family name to celebrate our life together as a married couple. And later I realized that my personal and professional identity was more important to me than I had thought.
Although I officially go by his family name, for most I happily remain Jane Green.
For you, your name is an important part of your identity and only you can decide what you want to do with it. You might think about pouring yourself and your husband a drink, putting on something cozy and getting comfortable with him, telling him how much you love him, how much you love the couple that you are, and letting him know , why it is so important to you to keep your name.
You can reassure him that this has nothing to do with your love for him, and perhaps dig a little deeper to find out why he believes this to be the case. If your relationship is as good as it otherwise sounds, you'll probably find a way forward that takes into account the wants and needs of both of you.
Dear Jane,
I've been a bit of a loner all my life. I moved around a lot as a child, never really had a “home base,” and therefore never really formed a core friendship group growing up.
To be honest, I'm pretty good at spending time alone and I don't mind being alone at all, but as I got older I realized that making friends is a life skill that I Should have at least tried and tested over the years?
The thing is, I have no idea how to do this. And ironically, I don't have any friends to ask. I can't stand the thought of asking people at work how to make friends (can you imagine the looks and whispers) and my family would just make it a “project” where every single relative would make suggestions for people sends that I should hang out with.
Where on earth do I even begin? It seems strange to track people down on the internet, but, similar to dating, is there another way?
Out of,
Clueless loner
Dear clueless loner,
I applaud you for writing in this column to ask this question. I'm also so glad that you enjoy your own company and are comfortable being alone – it's a rare gift that shows real well-being on your skin and eases loneliness as you grow older.
Dear Jane's Sunday service
We often feel like we are our own little celebrities in our heads, with our fan followers on Instagram, but online is where we communicate, not where we socialize.
Human connections can only happen when we go out into the world willing to be honest, vulnerable, and open, and these connections can bring us more joy than anything else.
But as you may be beginning to realize, the true joy and beauty of life comes from human connection. Finding people who share the same views, the same sense of humor, or inspire you with different opinions is the glue that helps us stay healthy and sane.
If you don't have any hobbies or interests, now is the time to get some. Most public libraries offer classes where you can find others with similar interests, as do community colleges. You'll always find good people to volunteer with – volunteering with local organizations will put you in a hectic situation.
Go to a class or workshop with an open heart and mind and a friendly attitude, and people will want to talk to you. And remember to smile!
Some of my best and most beloved friendships have started with me complimenting someone – they're wearing a coat I love or they have a great haircut. This led to a lively conversation and suggestions of having tea sometime.
Cultivating warmth and curiosity is a good start. If you see someone who looks interesting, tell them. Ask questions. Most people love talking about themselves, especially with someone who really wants to know more.
The Internet may not be your first choice, but it is a good one. Just as there are dating sites, there are now friendship sites aimed at people, many of whom I suspect are just like you. A few suggestions are friendsmatch.com and freedommatchmaker.com.
There is also a highly recommended app called Friended – a social platform specifically designed to not only meet friends but also boost your self-confidence in the process.
Curiosity, kindness and warmth will attract people to you, and real friendships are the next logical step. Not everyone will be a friend, but we just need a few. I wish you lots of joy and fun in your search!