Dear Jane,
I am the mother of two amazing children – and have always done everything in my power to ensure that they are healthy, happy and prepared for incredible success in life.
This system worked perfectly for my 10 year old. He speaks Chinese after school thanks to a tutor, he plays instruments, is active and loves sports, and he does very well in school.
But my six-year-old daughter found it increasingly difficult to achieve the high standards we set for our two children. She’s struggling in school, shows no interest in the extracurricular activities we enroll her in – and now she’s starting to binge eat.
I don’t want to deprive a child of their need for food, but my daughter has been secretly sneaking candy when she thinks we aren’t looking, and at dinner she uncontrollably shovels food into her mouth. The housekeeper told me yesterday that she always finds food packaging under her bed and that it is always junk food.
These unhealthy eating habits have caused her to gain a lot of weight – and every time we try to restrict her or put her on a diet, she screams, cries and throws violent tantrums. She looks unhealthy and I’ve noticed that other people start giving us judgmental looks when we’re out in public.
Dear Jane, My six-year-old daughter has developed some unhealthy eating habits that have caused her to gain weight – I want to send her to a weight-loss camp, but my husband won’t let me
I did some research and came across a treatment facility for young children who have feeding and impulse control issues. It’s basically like summer camp, but they teach nutrition and portion restriction, and I think it might help her to be around other kids who have similar issues as her.
But when I told my husband, he freaked out and told me that even thinking about sending our daughter to “fat camp” was cruel and that it would cause her permanent damage. He said I was obsessed with having the “perfect” daughter and that it was “superficial” of me to be so focused on her looks.
I am so hurt by his accusations. I’m only focused on my daughter’s health and happiness – and while her health may have an impact on her appearance, that’s not the reason I want to send her to this camp.
I only care about my daughter’s well-being and I don’t know what I can do to make that clear to my husband?
It feels like he’s trying to close his eyes to what’s obviously a big problem… So how do I open his eyes?
Out of,
Mother’s love
Dear mother love,
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but I’m afraid your husband is right about that.
I don’t know if you work or have something that keeps you busy, but it feels like you’re living vicariously through your children, putting enormous pressure on them to excel in all areas of life, and telling yourself that it’s for them because you want them to succeed, but really it’s about your children being a reflection of you.
International bestselling author Jane Green offers sage advice on readers’ most pressing issues in her Dear Jane Agony Auntie column
I live in a city where I see this every day: women who left their high-powered jobs to work as “full-time stay-at-home moms,” and then raise children the same way they worked focused on raising perfect children who will attend the best schools and hopefully lead extraordinary lives.
They too tell themselves that they are doing this for their children, and yet I see numerous examples of these children – like your daughter – having eating disorders and severe anxiety and being sent to therapy to solve these problems without knowing that this is all due to the pressure placed on these children by none other than their parents.
That’s why I ask you to stop doing this. Stop worrying about your daughter’s weight and nutritional problems. Stop worrying that if she isn’t the perfect size, she won’t achieve what you want for her in life. Stop putting pressure on your two children to be the best, the slimmest and the prettiest.
Your job as a mother is to provide love, security and boundaries. It’s about raising children who are happy and confident in their own skin and know how to navigate the world with clarity of vision and kindness. Whether they go to Harvard or Yale doesn’t matter.
You need to support them in what is best for them and give them advice when needed, rather than forcing them to pursue a path that may not be right for them.
When it comes to food, the absolute worst thing you can do is judge them, restrict them, or put them on a diet. Sending them to the “fat camp” will shame them in a way that will last a lifetime.
However, I suggest that you find your daughter a local therapist who specializes in eating disorders and then leave it to the professionals. I would also like you and your husband to meet with your daughter’s therapist and ask how you should behave around her while eating.
I’m sure she’ll advise you to hold back judgmental comments and stares and to stay quiet when your daughter reaches for a second or third helping.
Your daughter is going her own way. It may not be the path you would choose, but your job is to help them find a life that works for them.
I would also recommend that you find a purpose other than being a “tiger mom” to your children. Whether it’s getting a job, getting involved with a charity, volunteering, or taking classes, focusing on yourself and finding fulfillment in your own life can help you shift your focus to healthier ones Fix things.
Dear Jane,
Over the past few months, I have become increasingly uncomfortable around my son’s male teacher because he repeatedly makes lewd comments to me – even in front of my husband.
He’s a great teacher and has helped my son come out of his shell since the start of the school year – which is why I’ve been hesitant to say anything.
But we had a meeting with him recently and some of the things he said to me were just horrible and inappropriate. He even winked at me when he knew my husband was in sight.
I could tell my husband was trying his best not to say anything in front of him, but when we got home he turned around. He was angry that I had “allowed” this behavior and even commented that I “liked” it for not immediately silencing this man.
Dear Jane’s Sunday service
What a trap we fall into as parents when we want our beloved offspring to have everything we did not have, to have strength and glory where we had our mistakes, and to achieve everything in life that we dreamed of .
The pressure children feel today is causing untold harm.
By the time they reach their teenage years, 18 percent of children in the United States have experienced symptoms of clinical anxiety disorder.
Parents? Press the pause button. Support your children to do the things they love, not the things you think they should love. Take the pressure off, let them be kids, and limit their time in front of screens.
We had a big argument about it and now I’m terrified to go anywhere near the school in case this man tries to say something again.
I don’t want my son’s education to suffer here, but now it has reached the point where my marriage is suffering and it is too painful to bear.
Please help.
Out of,
The teacher’s pet
Dear teacher’s pet,
What a strange situation to find yourself in. I’m a little confused as to why none of you have been able to say anything, but it’s time to speak up.
To know exactly where you stand, I would first contact an ENOUGH advocate – these are equal rights advocates (found at equalrights.org) who work with students who are sexually harassed.
Although this doesn’t apply exactly to you, I imagine one of their volunteer attorneys can advise you of your rights and the steps to take.
Please do this with your husband so he can hear the whole story and discuss how to deal with it with you. I’m worried that your husband was angry with you for something that you clearly have no control over.
The two of you need to discuss this to find out what you are both afraid of if you say something and what you think might happen.
Both of you need to find agreement and unity in dealing with this. If you cannot do this on your own, I recommend you both speak to a couples therapist to discuss this and see if there are any larger issues that need to be addressed.
As for harming your child, know that children are extremely resilient. If your son is transferred to another class, he will get through it.
At the end of the school year he would have had to deal with moving on, and that would only bring that date forward.