Dear Jane,
Five years ago I had a pretty brutal conflict with both of my parents. It was about money, terrible things were said on both sides, and it pretty much destroyed our relationship that I didn’t speak to either of my parents for two years.
To this day, my mother and I are still estranged and only speak to each other when absolutely necessary. However, my father and I began making amends about two years ago when he reached out to me about finding out he had cancer.
We didn’t really talk about my mother… I think we both knew that if we were doing our best to get over it, it wasn’t worth pushing it or bringing up the whole story. And despite the cloud hanging over our heads, we repaired our relationship pretty well. We talked about twice a week and did our best to see each other once a month for a while.
But then my father’s health deteriorated and he ended up in the hospital. My mother sent me an email – an email! – to let me know, and I rushed as quickly as I could to be at his side, only to find that my mother had barred me from his hospital room.
Dear Jane, My mother has forbidden me from attending my own father’s funeral – and I am absolutely heartbroken
I confronted her and tried to explain that my father and I were okay and that I knew he wanted to see me, but she refused to listen. She said he didn’t need the stress of seeing such an ungrateful daughter even though he felt so uncomfortable.
He died less than two weeks later. And I never had the chance to say goodbye in person.
As if that wasn’t devastating enough, when I approached my mother about arrangements for his funeral, she said I wasn’t welcome. That she couldn’t bear to think about me being there even though I had caused so much excitement for her and my father.
I was speechless. Despite everything we’ve been through, I never thought she would be so cruel as to deny me my last chance to say goodbye to a man who meant too much to me. And honestly, I hate her for it.
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I managed to get the details for the funeral from one of my cousins and I’m thinking about just showing up. I don’t want to make a scene, I’ll stand at the back of the room and avoid my mother at all costs, but surely I deserve the chance to be there and honor the great man my father was?
Even if that means I have to cut ties with my mother forever?
Out of,
Grieving daughter
Dear grieving daughter,
I am so very sorry for your loss and your ongoing pain.
Funerals are a way to acknowledge someone’s life and come together to support each other as living mourners.
You deserve all of these things and also the opportunity to say goodbye to your father. But considering how adamant your mother has been in insisting that you don’t want to attend, I fear that your presence could cause major drama that will impact your ability to get the closure you need.
You don’t want to make a scene, but I’m not sure there’s a way to avoid that if you show up at the funeral. As much as you need to say goodbye, I think the stress of being seen and your mother’s possible resulting behavior will make it difficult for you to say the peaceful goodbye you want.
I’m really sad about your mother’s behavior. I wish things were different, I wish she wasn’t so punishing, I wish she could learn to forgive. But the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result. Your mother won’t welcome you when she sees you at his funeral, and you’ll probably be even more hurt than you already are.
For these reasons, I think you should not attend his funeral. In my opinion, you should celebrate your father’s life with your own ceremony instead. Gather people you love who knew him, tell stories about him, and honor him appropriately with a prayer of your choice. Say goodbye to him in your own way, knowing that there will be no bankruptcy in the family.
I send you lots of love and hope for a peaceful conclusion.
Dear Jane,
I have a wonderful relationship with my son – and daughter-in-law – except for one crucial sticking point. My daughter-in-law doesn’t seem to be able to clean her home at all and it’s dirty.
We’re not just talking about a few piles of dirty laundry, we’re talking about dirty dishes piling up in the sink for days (if not weeks), dust balls the size of cats, and sticky residue on every surface, old food, that slid down the sides of the couch…the list goes on.
You have three small children who always seem to be getting sick and I don’t think being surrounded by dirt and germs can do them any good?
My son has a full-time job and my daughter-in-law is home with the children every day and takes care of them. Which I guess is a full-time job in and of itself – but surely it wouldn’t be too much to ask her to run an antibacterial wipe over the kitchen countertops every now and then?
I tried everything to express my feelings gently and even offered to give them a cleaning lady once a week for a few months as a Christmas present, but my daughter-in-law said she didn’t feel comfortable with a stranger near her be the children, because “who knows what germs they could bring into the house”. What an irony.
I feel so uncomfortable every time I go there and I try to clean as much as possible when I’m there, but of course I want to spend time with my grandchildren and not clean up after the whole family.
I really don’t want to be rude or make them feel bad, but this can’t continue.
What can I say?
Out of,
Dirt-hating grandma
Dear dirt-hating grandma,
Your house actually sounds pretty disgusting – that old food that slid down the side of the sofa might be for the best. I’m praying it’s cookies or chips rather than burgers or macaroni and cheese, but either way it doesn’t sound good.
Dear Jane’s Sunday service
Our families are our foundation, and yet they often cause us so much strife. We are still conditioned to return to the well even when it has only brought us pain – the triumph of hope over experience.
To live a successful life, it is paramount to let go, set boundaries, and confront our toxic families.
However, do you have other concerns? Is it just the house that is dirty or are the children’s clothes unclean? Are the children bathed and cared for? Is it just the house or have you noticed other problems?
You need to sit down with your son and express your concern that the children’s environment is unhealthy. Maybe then you can sit with your son and daughter-in-law.
If conditions persist and you are genuinely and legitimately concerned about the welfare of the children, you must contact the authorities. If law enforcement determines that the environment is unsafe and there is cause for it, the children may be placed with a family member until the situation is resolved.
Once the authorities become involved, it is likely that your son and daughter-in-law will be forced to attend parenting classes that teach hygiene practices and household safety measures. Few parents intentionally create a dirty environment for their children; They honestly don’t know how to do it better, and learning new skills will only benefit their family.
I’m sorry it’s come to this and some sort of intervention needs to be done to ensure the safety of the children.