World Candle Lighting Day: A light goes around the world
Many families around the world commemorate their deceased children (stars) every year on the second Sunday of December (this year it is December 10th) by placing a candle in the window at 7pm (“Worldwide Candle Lighting”). The time difference creates a wave of light that travels across the Earth in 24 hours: after the candles burn for a few hours in one time zone, they go out and are lit again in the next time zone. “May their light shine forever” is the basic idea behind this wave of light. Each candle burns in memory of the soul of a child who left a mark on this world.
The initiative, founded in 1996, dates back to an association of orphaned parents and their families in the USA. Parents, grandparents, siblings and other loved ones remember all those who died too soon: before, during or after birth, when they were babies, young children, teenagers or adults.
On this day, we especially remember those children who were never able to know this world because they died in the womb, during or immediately after birth. The term “star children” is based on the idea that children who die prematurely shine like stars in the sky. They reached the sky before they were even allowed to see the light of day.
For relatives of children (stars), the light of a candle is both a reminder and a hope. Memory of a very short time with your son and hope that the darkness of pain will change. Light also represents community and cohesion. World Remembrance Day shows affected women, couples and families: “You are not alone – your children are not forgotten”.
Making space for mourning: memorial events and memorial sites across Upper Austria
It is important for the Catholic Church in Upper Austria to provide those affected with a space to grieve and to provide them with pastoral care and counseling. Throughout Upper Austria there are memorials in churches, chapels, hospitals and cemeteries to children who died before, during or shortly after birth. Around December 10th, but also on other dates, numerous celebrations take place to remember children who died prematurely.
Wartberg an der Krems Memorial
It may also be helpful at home to create a memorial for the deceased child (star) or celebrate a personal memory in silence.
Information about memorials and commemorations for famous children in Upper Austria and suggestions for personal commemorations at home can be found at:
www.dioezese-linz.at/sternenkinder
Current dates for support services, contacts with grief counselors, materials and book tips for parents and siblings can be found at www.dioezese-linz.at/trauerhilfe
Grief as a healing process that takes time
Doris Wierzbicki, head of the hospital pastoral team of the Diocese of Linz, describes the situation of affected parents: “The early death of a child often leaves parents completely unprepared. One moment they are filled with joy about their pregnancy – and suddenly they are faced with the fact that their child dies before they have even had the chance to know him properly. There will no longer be a shared future with your child – realizing and processing this hurts a lot. The result is feelings such as sadness, despair, and sometimes shame and guilt. A great void spreads. Outsiders often find it difficult to empathize with the pain of those affected. For them this means an additional injury; they feel left alone in their pain. They feel like parents, but they are not perceived as parents by the people around them. This lack of understanding can cause those affected to withdraw even more.” It is important that pastors give affected parents time and space to grieve so they can find their way back to everyday life. Because, says Wierzbicki: “Grief is a healing process. Each person grieves differently and needs different periods of mourning. Funeral services with their prayers, songs and rituals can help make room for grief and hope at the same time.”
The hospital chaplains in Upper Austria. Hospitals accompany people who mourn the loss of a stellar child. Contacts of pastors in hospitals.
Also Andrea Holzer-Breid, qualified marriage, family and life coach at BEZIEHUNGLEBEN.AT, Department of Relationships, Marriage and Family of the Diocese of Linz, knows from his counseling experience: “The death of a child during pregnancy or shortly after birth can place a great strain on a couple’s relationship because of relationship between the two mourning partners is usually very different. Some people actively grieve, allow their feelings and want to talk about them, others cannot talk about it.” If a child could not or was not allowed to live, it may also be that this topic is completely taboo and grief is suppressed. At Sometimes this pain only returns years later and only then can it be overcome, explains Holzer-Breid. There is therefore a need for offerings in which this grief is carefully discussed, as the counselor emphasizes: “My experience is that it is very beneficial for everyone have a protective space and language for your grief in family counseling, so that the soul can become easier again. Counselors are subject to legal confidentiality. Celebrations and services in memory of Star Children offer parents a good opportunity to express your pain.”
RELATIONSHIPLEBEN.AT offers counseling at 25 locations in Upper Austria (http://www.relationleben.at/beratung/vorort) as well as online counseling.
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