Conventional wisdom holds that friendships between grown men are a cold, inhospitable place without nurturing or emotional support.
However, researchers from the University of Sydney in Australia and the University of Westminster in the UK report that changing cultural norms are leading to a rise in ‘bromance’.
They also say that the crisis of loneliness among men is grossly exaggerated, despite receiving widespread media coverage.
Perceived signs of aggression, such as abusive comments and derisive banter, may actually be signs of genuine closeness, according to Sydney sociologist Alex Broom and his co-author Damien Ridge, a practicing psychotherapist in Westminster.
“Guys only talk when there’s beer on board, you know,” one subject told researchers, “when the guard’s down.” (Above) Jason Segel, Paul Rudd and Rashida Jones in the legendary bromantic comedy I Love You, Man” from 2009
“It’s true that men often treat others differently than women,” they write.
“By focusing on the relative lack of verbal expression to suggest that male friendships are not close,” they argue, “we then fail to see how men show their closeness in less obvious, coded ways, or even tacitly.”
In movies and on TV, a quick joke between friends can be seen as a distraction: men avoid serious things by taking them lightly. But Broom and Ridge have found that the truth is often quite the opposite.
They set out their theory in an essay for The Conversation after reviewing peer-reviewed scholarly literature on male retention over the past two decades.
They cite in-depth interviews with a sample of 30 Israeli military personnel, conducted by a behavioral scientist at Tel Aviv University, which found that humor – even insults – is often used to promote a sense of togetherness.
The vets described “humorous interactions involving idioms, nicknames, curses, nonsense, aggressive gestures and hugs” that were “publicly staged under the guise of instrumental action,” according to the study.
But all of these unclear messages on duty, according to the researchers, were like a hoax aimed at engaging their comrades and helping them become closer to real friendships.
“Maybe over time you get so close that you start attacking each other,” said one male participant in another study he cited, which was published in the journal Psychology of Men and Masculinity.
“I think when people hear you talk to other guys like that,” said the contestant, “then they definitely know you’re good buddies.”
Having a beer is a classic excuse for men to open up and express themselves, and the researchers found that it was one of several moves that helped men get their bromantic partners to open up.
They referred to a study of 15 young Irish men (all aged 19 to 30) who had been dealing with the loss of a close male friend to suicide over the past five years.
“Guys only talk when there’s beer on board, you know,” one subject told researchers, “when the guard’s down.”
But the pub wasn’t the only option. In fact, Broom and Ridge found that men can build emotional intimacy anywhere, from volunteer organizations to home improvement and hobby groups.
“We believe that creating more of these safe zones for young men is crucial,” they write.
John Beckenbach, program director for counselor education and supervision at Adler University in Chicago, whose work was used by Broom and Ridge, tells that academics should engage men directly on these issues.
“I agree with this article,” says Beckenbach, “but just creating the space has to deal with the reality that there’s a male discourse that says, ‘Don’t do that.’
“Rather than us deciding what to do for men,” advises Beckenbach, “ask them.” “How would you like a space to be created where you have that opportunity? What would that look like?”
Beckenbach’s own research suggests that men often question their natural instincts in forming close friendships because of their formative experiences with intimacy.
“That blew my mind at the time,” he told , “they all learned about intimacy from their mothers, their sisters and their first girlfriends.” That’s what they say — and they all got the message that they did wrong.”
For Broom and Ridge, the trend toward greater male intimacy can be attributed in part to changing generational attitudes toward gender identity and male intimacy, and to a broader societal acceptance of homosexuality.
But Beckenbach adds that giving men the opportunity to connect in their own way is most important.
“Any version of trying to improve ‘Bromance’,” says Beckenbach, “that term makes me wince, by the way, has to include the men you’re trying to influence.”
“You have to involve them in the process. They have to have a say.’