Oh men, you precious, sweaty, hairy, grunting creatures. You may be good looking and good at building things with your bare hands, but sometimes you can go astray.
You see, there is an ancient sexual belief that you have always carried with you that is just wrong, wrong, wrong.
In fact, the sex industry has turned you on your head with all its ridiculous lotions and potions and many of you have spent a lot of money for nothing!
This became clear on Monday evening after another exciting edition of my Instagram questionnaire “Tell me a Saucy Secret”.
One man wrote: “I’m the proud owner of a big cock.” We’re talking huge!! “I married my high school sweetheart and my biggest regret is that more women don’t get to experience that.”
We women prefer the average off-the-shelf penis. So can we finally dispel the myth that women chase giants once and for all? It’s simply not true
Now, as someone who has seen one (okay, two!) particularly large specimen, I wasn’t exactly impressed by this confession. In fact, just thinking about it made me clench my thighs together.
That’s why I decided to include a poll that asked the question: Are the big guys overrated?
Over the next 24 hours, the votes came thick and fast. Many, many men demand that I show the final bill. Everyone was eagerly waiting for the result.
Drumroll please… A whopping 76 percent of people (mostly women) voted YES!
It turns out that we women prefer the average, off-the-shelf penis. So can we finally dispel the myth that women chase giants once and for all? It’s simply not true.
You see, what men seem to forget is that large specimens require a lot of preparation. First we need plenty of lube, then we have to deal with the friction, and let’s not even get started on the chafing. Ouch!
And if you expect us to reach the big O, you might have to distract us from our breathing exercises just to get the damn thing in.
I speak from experience. You know, the second guy I ever slept with had a huge one. Now I’d only seen one other before him, which, when I thought about it, was pretty big too – no wonder it took me so long to lose my virginity.
But the second thing – my God – I needed all the enthusiasm in the world to prepare for this. But I really liked this guy, so I accepted the challenge.
Unfortunately, Samantha Jones, our favorite member of Sex and the City, had led me to believe that it would be an earth-shattering, enjoyable experience. It was not. My mind was too busy trying to navigate this new terrain to not really sit back and enjoy it.
However, I persisted because as I said, the crush was real. Unfortunately, things never really got better. In the end I had to break it off because sex is an important element of my relationships and there was no improvement in sight.
One of my gay best friends had the same experience. He still gets sad when he thinks about his ex, who was a “top” and just way too tall. He said to me the other day, “Can you believe this is the reason we broke up?” Not because of cheating or too many fights, but just because of a throbbing member that was way too… well… throbbing!
And it’s not just the elongated items we wear on men that we prefer to wear medium length. According to a recent survey by online sex toy retailer Lovehoney, the preferred size for a dildo is 6 inches (15.24 cm). Hardly huge.
So for all the men out there who are constantly worried that they’re not packing enough downstairs: relax. You can stop buying flashy cars and waving your black Amex around to distract us. We don’t want them to be big. We want nice, normal-sized models.
If you expect us to reach the big O, you might have to distract us from our breathing exercises just to get the damn thing in
What we really care about is whether you know how to use it. Oh yes, and cleanliness. Always cleanliness.
Just like men have different tastes when it comes to women’s bodies – some like big butts, some like small ones. Others prefer huge breasts, others prefer smaller, stronger breasts. Women are exactly the same.
Therefore, BDE should be reserved for the mind, not the pants. Now go out there guys and enjoy your mediocre schlongs, because we definitely do.
READ MORE: War of the Willies! The data shows average penis sizes around the world