They call it a “messaging system”, but in reality WhatsApp is now almost an additional dimension to our relationships, a channel in which communication is sometimes more fluid and affectionate than in person, and sometimes a source of warnings. It’s like this sometimes: you met someone charming, but he’s an idiot on WhatsApp. What happens when one of the parties is really bad at communicating in writing, and how do you distinguish whether you’ve found a conflicted personality or simply someone who is clumsy at communicating through typing?
Inma Brea, an expert in human behavior and corporate humanization, warns that instant messaging, as the name suggests, means “instant gratification.” The cell phone accompanies us everywhere, allowing us to receive constant stimulus or satisfaction.” This has made it an essential element of romantic relationships and in our age of digital intimacy. The problem, as with any era at the beginning, is that the codes and times are not yet the same for everyone. What may be excessive communication for one person may be the norm for another. What one person types and thinks is easy and confident (“okay”) may be perceived by another as cold and distant. What may be thoughtful and loving for one person may be excessive and overwhelming for another. These days, the use (or lack thereof) of the emoji can be a declaration of war. “How dry, right?”
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Psychologist Júlia Pascual emphasizes the importance of establishing communication laws and establishing boundaries and rules right from the beginning of a relationship. Above all, he points out “the need for education”. “When you read another person’s message, no matter how busy you are,” he recommends, “you need to let them know that you cannot respond at that moment and will do so later because you need to generate respect and education.” ” The expert points out that contrary to what one might think, “the rules for affairs and lovers must be stricter than for couples, there must be stronger regulations.” Because? By not knowing the other person so well, not recognizing their silences and not deciphering their reactions, as we can do with a partner we have been with for a long time, it is easier to let our imagination run wild and focus on episodes to let in the fear. The psychologist gives an example: “If he doesn’t respond, you don’t have to automatically think that he won’t in order to have power.”
Can two people with completely opposite attitudes to online communication have a relationship? The long answer is yes: “It is necessary to understand our partner’s love language,” says Inma Brea. “A relationship can survive these differences if both parties understand and respect how the other expresses love, communicates needs, and makes commitments.” In other words, it’s not about demanding an immediate response from the other person , but rather about understanding that sometimes she doesn’t do this and knowing that it is part of her personality without looking into the abyss of the double blue check (which in many cases… networks indicate that the other person received and read the message), which often tests a lover’s nerves.
“Taking a while to react to a message can be a control or power strategy to feel superior to the other person,” warns psychologist Judith March. “The tug-of-war technique, in which one takes time to respond to the other person, uses intermittent reinforcement: at certain times we show great interest in the person and at other times we show no interest or are absent. This strategy creates addiction in the long run.”
Antonio H., a 39-year-old data analyst who has been with his partner for seven years, answers such a small percentage of his messages that he often forgets what the question was when he answers. “If you’re not mentally prepared, it really affects you because you think you’re the problem.” As you get to know the other person over time, you no longer see it as something personal. I have lost my fear of this lack of response and when he doesn’t answer me, I insist again and again until he does. I don’t sit around and think about it like I did in the beginning. If there was an argument or anger, of course I know that it had something to do with her lack of reaction. In short: If you don’t feel good about getting into a relationship with someone like that, it has a big impact on you. You have to be strong to deal with it and try to transform it,” he explains.
On the other side of the scale are those who write constantly. So much so that they overwhelm the other. When conversational asymmetry is apparent, it is important to communicate it. “The rhythm in a WhatsApp conversation is set between the two people in the same way as when we have a conversation. Ideal would be symmetry and the initiation of possible topics of conversation that would help you get to know the other person better. Talking a lot shows interest in the other person and it’s not a bad thing if they also interact in a similar way. If there is a certain asymmetry in communication or the other person writes excessively, it is important that we let them know, because in the long run it could overwhelm us and cause us to lose interest,” says Judith Merch. Inma Brea points out that these warnings and requests can actually be the key to a satisfying relationship. “Relationships that work work because they have gone through awkward moments of adjustment. If things are going too easily, it’s likely that one of them is giving too much.”
The right emoji
We hadn’t talked about emojis, this way of expressing hundreds of feelings with a minimalist drawing. It’s important to note that emojis in reality have no set meaning, grammar, or syntax. However, we give them a semantics that, for some, delves into a kind of secret and intimate language. In the fifth season of the Netflix reality show Love is Blind, one of the contestants told her partner that if she felt uncomfortable talking to her ex, she should send him the gas can emoji on WhatsApp. “Actually, who uses it? “That’s why I suggested this: because then it wouldn’t arouse any suspicion when it was sent and only we would know what it meant,” he later explained.
“Emojis are symbols that allow us to avoid verbal language when communicating and avoid emotional stress. For example, sending a heart instead of “I love you” helps you avoid getting too involved or avoiding trouble,” explains Merch. But it also warns that “the overuse of emojis can prevent us from forming deeper and stronger bonds, as they often only provide superficial access to emotions and feelings.”
“Written communication lacks body language and emojis try to replace that body language, which is why they have been integrated so well into written communication,” adds Merch. “However, overuse of emojis can prevent us from forming deeper and stronger connections.” Sending a heart or an angry face is all well and good, but the way to a strong bond is to openly communicate that you love each other or feels angry.
Júlia Pascual recalls that Paul Watzlawick, considered one of the fathers of the theory of human communication and constructivism, pointed out that verbal communication cannot be thought of without the context in which it takes place. “Here lies the complication: the moment we communicate in a chat, people are divided because there are two contexts: digital and real life. Communication is not the same in person as it is digitally. It may happen that someone communicates lovingly and affectionately in real life, but resorts to monosyllabic communication when communicating on a digital level. In a personal context, it is recommended that you step away from your cell phone and focus on your reality. When making a connection, do everything you can to create a moment in which you can indulge in not being disrespectful without committing a lack of responsibility or respect,” recommends. In short, an “I’m busy, talk to you later” can avoid a rift.
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