Ferne McCann has revealed she struggled with “mother guilt” after missing her daughter’s fourth birthday on Sunday to film Celebrity SAS: Who Dares Wins in Jordan.
The former TOWIE star, 32, said she signed on to the show to be an “inspiration” for her daughter but questioned her decision after it forced her to cancel her little girl’s special day miss.
She said OK! : “Sonntag had her 4th birthday when I was doing the course. I was in Jordan, she was in the UK and it was really hard.’
Missing: ‘I felt like the worst mom’: Ferne McCann has revealed she struggled with ‘mother guilt’ after missing her daughter’s birthday on Sunday to film Celebrity SAS: Who Dares Wins in Jordan
Doting mother Ferne, who shares the child with ex-convict Arthur Collins, said her guilt left her confused as to whether or not she should do the show.
She continued, “The main reason I wanted to do it was also the main reason I wanted to quit. In my head I thought “I’m the worst mom, why did I leave her?”.
But Ferne – who is engaged to entrepreneur Lorri Haines – insisted she knew her mental toughness would see her through what she described as a “hellish” experience.
Loving mum: The former TOWIE star, who shares the tot with ex-con Arthur Collins, said her guilt left her confused as to whether or not she should do the show
“I wanted to prove to myself and others that I can do a lot more than I thought I could.
“I had this persistent labor work when I had Sunday so I know there is a light at the end of the tunnel when it comes to pain so I had that experience to draw on.”
The television personality also admitted that it was “really weird” to get yelled at by men because she “didn’t have a male figure” in her life following her parents’ divorce.
When asked why she wanted to do the show, Ferne confessed, “It’s always been one of those shows that I always thought I would love to do.
“But when I actually had to say yes, when I had the interviews and an interview and all that, it just felt like the right time in my life to get tested. I am very happy about a challenge.
All for you: “The reason I decided to say yes to the opportunity and the experience ultimately became the reason I really tried to rip my armband off,” Ferne admitted
Ferne also described her experience as the “ultimate therapy session” and explained how she found the directorial staff yelling at her “really weird” because her father Simon wasn’t there when she was a teenager.
The TOWIE star, who was raised by her mum Gilly, said: “It’s almost like the ultimate therapy session in a really screwed up way because the DS brings things from the subconscious to the surface and into the conscious state
“When I was a teenager, my parents got divorced. Despite being very close to my father, I never had a male figure in my life throughout my adolescence and teenage years.
“So I found it really weird that men would actually yell at me. I felt like a little girl.
Therapeutic: The TOWIE star, who was raised by her mum Gilly (pictured), said of Celebrity SAS: “It’s almost like the ultimate therapy session in a really screwed up way.”
“Everything I’m really proud of – being a mother and being an entrepreneur, running multiple companies, all the strengths I think I have in everyday life – I felt really inadequate.
“I felt like a kid. And it was really hard and I didn’t like it. I do not want it. I’m someone who needs praise!’
Ferne dealt more with being yelled at by the DI, continuing, “It took me a lot back to when I was at school and you get shouted at and you try to hold it back so desperately that your lower lip trembles and you say, ‘I don’t want to cry.’
“But yes, I cried. I also cried with meaning and reason. Every morning I woke up and thought, ‘It’s my time to go. I don’t want to do another day.’
The fourth series of Celebrity SAS: Who Dares Wins will air Sundays at 9pm on Channel 4 from September 4th.
Full Celebrity SAS Cast: (LR) Pete Wicks, Shannon Courtenay, Callum Best, Jennifer Ellison, Dwain Chambers, Ashley Cain, Curtis Pritchard, Fatima Whitbread, Ferne McCann, Amber Gill, Jonathan Broom-Edwards, Maisie Smith, and AJ Pritchard Jade Jones