In “The Couple’s Dilemma”, relationship therapist Esther Perel analyzes the lights and shadows of infidelity, and when we talk about “lights” it is because, in her opinion, regardless of what contemporary discourse defends, there are some. “Infidelity says a lot about marriage – not just your marriage, but marriage as an institution. “We find people who care deeply about the well-being of their partners even when they are lied to, just as many of those who have been cheated on continue to love those who have lied to them and want to find a way to stay together,” writes The Author , which offers a more compassionate look at infidelity than usual.
Lara Ferreiro, psychologist and contributor to the extramarital dating platform Ashley Madison, assures that we are facing a paradigm shift in our understanding of relationships and that for many people, happiness does not necessarily have to be linked to monogamy. “More and more couples are choosing an open relationship. They know that falling in love takes on average one to two years and then they get bored with each partner. Instead of changing the couple, they change the way of understanding relationships. For many, sex and love are different things, they are more rational and know how to separate them. Just as we fall in love several times in our lives, we can also be attracted to new people; It is normal that we have new needs as the years go by. For many, this does not mean that we are dissatisfied with our partner, but simply that we want to have fun, have new experiences and adventures. For example, Ashley Madison users engage in a wide range of emotional behaviors, such as sharing secrets, gift-giving, online technology-related behaviors, sexting, etc.,” he says.
While in the past many people had affairs because marriage was not the cradle of debauchery and passion, today many understand that this passion must be part of the marital pact. But as Esther Perel makes clear in The Atlantic, “It is not our desires that are different today, but the fact that we feel authorized and even obligated to pursue them.”
Happy and cuckolded marriages
But why do those who have happy marriages sometimes cheat? “This also happens because of the high expectations of marriage. When they reach the stage of marriage, many realize that the happiness they have longed for is not perfect. At this time extramarital affairs occur. Searching for a different version of yourself can also be one of the most powerful reasons and is often associated with exploring practices that have never been tried or that have been repressed in your partner. Ultimately, people get bored when they see the same stimulus every day. We need variety,” says Ferreiro. “Infidelity can help the couple evolve into something more real and new ideas emerge. This helps us open our minds and get to know ourselves a little better,” adds psychologist Ferreiro.
There are several reasons why happy people cheat:
– Self-exploration and self-discovery
“Infidelity leads to self-discovery because you cross moral boundaries, and that makes you rethink things,” says sexologist Mariona Gabarra, Gleeden consultant. Esther Perel points out that many of her unfaithful patients, although happy with their partners, talk about romantic relationships “as a form of self-discovery.”
–sexual problems
“When someone commits infidelity, it is usually because sex fails or because there is a lack of desire and passion. The process is always the same: sexuality fails and therefore the person wonders why it fails and has a hard time. There is a widespread and erroneous conclusion that it is normal for something like this to happen to couples who have been together for a while, as if it has to be endured. People often come to this conclusion because they assume that love, affection and routine are the most important things in a couple, when in reality sexuality is the most intimate part. The next step is that over time this person thinks that he cannot live without these sexual experiences and takes the step of infidelity. This is because as a couple we don’t have the tools to resolve our sexuality,” says Lara Ferreiro.
– Feel new or banished emotions
Happy people who cheat may be unfaithful to experience new emotions. “Through a sexual adventure, a person can discover desires, have new intimate experiences, feel alive and desired, and discover a new version of themselves.” There are those who feel young again or rekindle the lost passion within themselves. An adventure is very appealing because it increases self-esteem and gets your hormones soaring. When we have a romantic relationship, we live in a bubble full of adrenaline,” says Lara Ferreiro.
Although it is important to explain the reasons why there are people who are happy with their partner and still be unfaithful, this is by no means an ode to infidelity. As Mariona Gabarra points out, it is very difficult to rebuild a couple after non-consensual infidelity. “Infidelity is a betrayal that has a lot of emotional impact and can greatly impact the security of the person being cheated on. Extramarital affairs can be positive, but when it is viewed as infidelity because of the rules or marking within the couple, it is no longer the case. The couple has to sit down and set new boundaries, which is complicated,” he explains.
Finally, let’s remember that it is not necessary that there is a problem in the relationship for an affair to occur. As Esther Perel tells journalist Natasha Lunn, author of “Let’s Talk About Love: Lovers, Desire, Breakups, Family, Solitude and Friendship,” “Even happy people do it.” You can have a very good relationship with someone and your love life together, but it may happen that someone with whom you have a lot of connection has nothing to do with something bad happening in the main relationship. However, it has something to do with the past, the desires and the lost parts of who you were back then.”