How can you be a happy, fulfilled parent instead of a parent who constantly doubts your abilities and often feels guilty? How do you find the right balance between permissiveness and authoritarianism? In his new book published by Édito, psychologist and best-selling author Marc Pistorio takes stock of the different attachment styles and parenting practices that enable parents and children to thrive. Safe parent, safe child.
To write this book intended for the general public, Marc Pistorio examined the latest psychological and neuropsychological studies on attachment bonding and parent-child bonding and popularized the results of all this research.
“It’s primarily a book to relieve parents of guilt and tell them that there are things to do and things that are possible,” he said in an interview from Los Angeles.
Safe Parent, Safe Child | Marc Pistorio, Éditions Édito, 280 pages Photo provided by Éditions Édito, Ron Norrish
“Instead of telling myself: Do this, do that, and stick to some new model other than helicopter, free-range, or permissive, I tell people what I wish I had told them to reassure them. Parents are not stupid: why don’t we rely on their judgment, on their intelligence, and tell them what we know, what we observe? »
“My message is: choose your education for your specific child. Start with him, go from there, rather than bringing a model into the family that may not even be compatible with your personality, attachment style, or parenting style. »
The psychologist and speaker has read extensively on this topic over the past three years.
“I explain what the research says, how a child develops, what stages of development the child has, so that parents can better understand that at a certain age they can no longer ask for a certain thing.” »
Attachment style
Marc Pistorio wanted parents to be able to recognize their attachment style.
“Are you quite worried?” Rather avoidant? You can categorize yourself and say to yourself: I am safe. We know that the parent’s attachment style has a big influence on the child’s attachment style. If the parent is anxious, the child is at great risk of developing an anxious attachment style and having a relationship that involves the challenges of anxiety. »
He also wanted to enable parents to reflect on their parenting style.
“As parents, we oscillate between permissiveness and authority and are constantly looking for the happy medium. I wanted to tell parents what the research says. If a parent is very authoritarian, they are missing a certain dimension, and if they are too permissive, they are also missing another dimension. »
“responsiveness”
In education, we call these two dimensions “responsiveness,” explains Marc Pistorio.
“It is a word borrowed from English that cannot be translated. Responsibility means how warm and supportive the parents are and how they support the child in his daily challenges and difficulties. »
The other dimension is a requirements dimension.
“How does the parent make wishes, is he able to control certain behaviors of the child, is he able to exercise a certain benevolent authority? »
These two dimensions are necessary, he adds.
“We know that a child without boundaries is a child who will not function well socially. And on the other hand, a child who is with over-controlling parents, as in parenting helicopter parents, does not feel loved. He is performance-oriented and has great social difficulties. »
EXTRACT
“ Children who have developed secure attachments in early childhood benefit from this right from the start of their school years: they show perseverance, sufficient control of impulses and emotions, and concentration appropriate to school requirements. Stress, fear and anger never become an obstacle to learning and development. They therefore have the freedom to devote their life energy and mental space to the enjoyment of social gatherings and the satisfaction of their intellectual curiosity. »
- Marc Pistorio is a psychologist and mediator.
- He has a doctorate in clinical psychology and is a member of the Order of Psychologists of Quebec.
- His book “Tell me who you love, I’ll tell you who you are” (Editorial, 2015) has sold more than 40,000 copies.
- He will moderate two conferences at the Théâtre Le Gesù in Montreal on September 27th and October 4th.