Childhood plays a huge role in how we behave in adulthood, but not every child in the same family will have the same traits.
Dysfunctional family roles is a psychological theory that suggests that the role you played in your family will continue throughout your life, shaping how you behave as an adult.
The theory was developed by an American psychotherapist Virginia A satirist who studies the dynamics of families in the 1960s.
For example, child “heroes” who have been over-praised for their success as children are likely to be more successful now, but feel a deep need to impress and fear irrational failure. Meanwhile, “guardians” can quietly carry stress while being afraid to burden others.
While many of these roles mean positive things like problem-solving ability or focusing on goals, some roles mean that you are more likely to attract a toxic partner or suffer from anxiety and depression.
UK-based experts spoke to FEMAIL about how different family roles can affect your development for decades to come and explained how you can find out which one best suits your experience …
UK-based experts spoke to FEMAIL about how different family roles can affect your development for decades to come. Stock image
The hero or the perfect child
Most likely: To be the first-born child, especially the first-born woman
The role of “hero” is applied to children with excessive achievements, who are given a lot of praise and positive attention for their success.
However, the child “Hero” risks becoming dependent on future success, which means that there is a huge risk of failure and may bear more responsibility than necessary.
As an adult, the “hero” is often organized and focused; serious, reliable and good leaders. However, you may lack playfulness and creativity, feel lonely, and feel in need of control.
“Usually the first child born, studies show that they tend to have higher IQs and high incomes,” said Nora Tolenaar-Szanto, an emotional freedom practitioner (EFT) practitioner. “They have an excessive sense of responsibility and can sometimes bear the brunt of their weaker siblings in terms of family responsibilities.”
Why your age can dictate which of the family roles you will play
Enright explains: “Alfred Alder, an Austrian psychotherapist since the early 20th century, believes that first-born children are neurotic, obedient and conservative, middle-aged children are more emotionally stable, and young children are ambitious and rebellious.
“American psychologist Frank Sloway supported Adler with his own research and came up with similar trends. Alder’s position was that firstborns did not have to compete for their parents’ attention, and this made them conformists, and the last born children stopped working, fighting for their place in the family hierarchy.
“Sloway’s theory was that every child has their own position in the family and must come up with their own strategies to deal with their position, hence the differences. He also reaffirmed Alder’s view that first-born children have less reason to question the status quo.
“These roles are played by children as part of their survival strategies for where they are in the order of the bite, but because they have been playing these roles for so long, they stop wondering why they are behaving this way. They also have habits and thought patterns built around this behavior and it becomes their conditioned behavior in adulthood.
To get out of these family roles and models as adults, one has to realize, as Slowway said, that they were in group dynamics as children and had to “come up with coping strategies,” but as adults they don’t. . must continue to play this role. Once they acquire this awareness, then each time they see themselves in one of these patterns of behavior, they can choose different behaviors for different outcomes.
As Gifty Enright, author of the self-help book Octopus on the Treadmill, explains, this child aims to achieve great success and wants to please his parents, but is usually not intrinsically motivated.
“They are often labeled as ‘good’ and ‘responsible’ children. This role is often taken over by first-born children, even more likely by first-born women.
Behavioral psychologist Glenn Baru added: “The ideal child can do things to be accepted into a job, such as not saying no to applications, staying up late, procrastinating when it comes to decisions, and being resistant to change.
“In relationships, they may have unhealthy boundaries to be loved and accepted.”
The peacemaker or the guard
Most likely: To be a middle child
The “peacemaker” is a child who takes on the role of an adult, acting as a mediator between other family members, staying calm when others are angry and helping to run the household.
In adulthood, these children can often become people-friendly, putting the needs of others above their own and avoiding conflicts at all costs, while often experiencing chronic stress.
“Usually the average child, they ensure that warring factions are kept at bay,” Enright said. “Middle-aged children tend to be emotionally stable.
“They are not under the glare of the responsibility that parents give to the eldest, and they are not the baby of the family, so they occupy this ‘no man’s land’ and their role as peacekeepers gives them function.”
Baru explained that these children often become “guardians of their own safety”, which means that they can become “the child with parents” and feel overly responsible for avoiding conflicts.
“When it comes to relationships, they take more responsibility to ensure peace, because their trust in others to protect them has eroded,” she said.
“Ironically, they avoid conflict because they do not want to feel involved in the conflict. They feel that if they get into a conflict, they must be doing something wrong. This contradicts the role they took on.
The atoning sacrifice
Most likely: To be the youngest or secondborn
In contrast to the child “hero”, the scapegoat of the family finds it difficult to fit in or connect with other family members and can often be blamed for problems that have nothing to do with them.
As an adult, the scapegoat may have developed positive traits, such as being very conscientious and resilient.
However, their childhood may mean that they tend to attract toxic friendships or violent relationships, fight the impostor syndrome, and may be more likely to self-sabotage or injure themselves.
Enright explained: “Younger children are usually seen as troublemakers, disobedient. Parents usually do not keep them to the higher expectations that older siblings have.
“This gives them the freedom to be side thinkers, and they are the ones who become destroyers and inventors.”
Tolenaar-Szanto added: “They are the rebels of the family who are fighting against the rules.
“They tend to be against family values and tend not to hinder inappropriate behavior. They are often second in the family.
The agreed / lost child
The “malleable” or “lost” child is neglected or ignored by his family, withdraws from conflicts and often spends a lot of time alone or making deep connections with pets. Stock image
Most likely: To be a middle child
The “malleable” or “lost” child is neglected or ignored by his family, withdraws from conflicts and often spends a lot of time alone or making deep connections with pets.
So, can you break the cycle?
“Many adults are trying to get out of these roles, but they are failing,” Tolenaar-Szanto said.
“The main reason is that these roles become part of their subconscious, which controls 95% of their actions, decisions, emotions and behavior. The roles they played as children lead to limiting beliefs and become entrenched in the brain.
“Although cognitive therapies are definitely useful, they often take a long time or do not lead to the desired transformation.
“The most effective way to recover from these dysfunctional roles is to reprogram the subconscious. There are various methods that are supported by empirical evidence. Although there are many more techniques, I have personally tried these and I can guarantee them:
· Emotional freedom technique (also known as patting)
· Hypnotherapy
· Matrix reprint
· PSYCH-K
As adults, they are likely to be highly independent and good at solving problems, but they lack decent social skills because they have never learned how to get along with others.
Those who have been “lost” as children also tend to have a higher chance of mental health problems such as anxiety or depression.
“The compliant child doesn’t see much choice,” Baru said.
“They see the world as black and white – good / bad, right / wrong. They learn that their needs are not as important as others, as they think they are less important to others.
“It can also lead to unhealthy addictions and attachment problems.
“In relationships, they feel that the other’s needs are more important than their own needs.
“Over time, they see their needs as secondary, which has negative consequences for their work and personal lives.”
Tolenaar-Szanto added: “They are used to not being noticed by anyone and are learning how to stay in the background.”
“They want to avoid conflict situations. They are flexible and easy to handle, but they struggle with decision making. Often their best friends are pets. This role is typical for average children.
The mascot
Most likely: To be the youngest child
The child “mascot” is seen as fun and carefree, often jokes about serious situations and is seen as relief from difficult situations in the family.
As an adult, the family joker is usually very popular, with people looking for their company because of the “positive atmosphere around them,” Tolenaar-Szanto said.
However, as adults, the “mascot” focuses on himself, choosing to take care of their needs instead of helping others, and uses humor to cover serious unresolved issues.
Tolenaar-Szanto explained: “They have a good sense of humor and are usually the clowns of the family. Like the Lost Child, they can be easily released. The role is often taken over by the youngest child in the family.