If you find yourself accepting invitations to do things you don’t really want to do, you’re not alone. It’s easier to commit to something you’re not sure about as long as it happens in the future, says Hal Hershfield, a professor of behavioral decisionmaking and psychology at the University of California, Los Angeles.
Hershfield found that we often agree to things we don’t want to do because we tend to hold on to a more ambitious version of our “future self”—we like to believe we have more time, interests, and generosity than we actually do . Then the event gets closer, the truth comes out (we are still the same person) and we get stuck in a feeling of regret.
Use the following strategies to set a more realistic schedule.
USE YOUR CURRENT PLAN AS A GUIDE
An empty schedule, says Hershfield, leads us to “believe that the future will be a magical land of leisure.” So before you commit to something that’s a few months away, take a look at the last two weeks of your schedule to get a clear idea of how much time you typically have in a week.
IMAGINE THAT ENGAGEMENT IS CLOSER
If an event is months away, Hershfield suggests, imagine it happening in the next week or two. Would you commit? If the answer is no, it probably won’t look attractive in a few months, he says.
Are you still hesitating? Think about the costs
If you’re still unsure about a commitment, evaluate the benefits by asking yourself a few questions. You can imagine that if you accept it, it will fit into your main goals, such as playing sports or making more friends. Or, says Hershfield, you can ask whether what you’re worried about is “a onetime event or something that will lead to further invitations”? Another good question: Will showing up not make a big difference to you, but will it make a big difference to someone else? In this case, the effort could be worth it.
TAKE CARE OF YOUR FUTURE
If you have your heart set on an event or know that life is going to get hectic or stressful, be kind to yourself by practicing “preparation.” This is what therapist Nedra Glover calls tawwab, the act of “developing practices that reduce future stress.”
“What can you do today to prepare for what’s to come?” says Tawwab. Maybe take time to be alone or spend more time with friends. What feels rewarding is different for everyone, Tawwab emphasizes, but “you should avoid anything that doesn’t feel very pleasant.”
Translation by Luiz Roberto M. Gonçalves