Middle age – between about 40 and 60 – is a crucial period of continuous adaptation to change, which one may or may not embrace. In this phase, contradictory feelings coexist: the satisfaction of having completed personal projects, the feeling that expectations have not been met, or the uncertainty of a future that is still evolving or in transition. It is considered the lowest period of life satisfaction because, as Ignacio Peyró said in one of his recent columns: “Time changes the magnitude of happiness until it consists in not having anything terrible happen to you.”
This period of life is a sensitive time for unwanted loneliness. Experts like Weiss or Cacioppo define it as a psychological condition characterized by a deep feeling of emptiness, uselessness, lack of control and personal threat. The emotional impact of unwanted loneliness depends on whether it is a frequent, even chronic, or sporadic feeling. In Spain, a state observatory was funded for their study (soledades.es). According to their calculations, this would affect 13.4% of the total population and 12% of the middle-aged population. In The Century of Solitude, economist Noreena Hertz points to several social and cultural changes associated with these figures: the emergence of social networks that reduce the number of personal contacts, the rise of individualism over deep connection with others , teleworking, changes in the family model, geographical dispersion, the increase in people living alone, low engagement in community activities and the loss of social rituals.
The feeling of loneliness varies from person to person as it has a subjective component. It would therefore be more convenient to speak of loneliness rather than solitude. However, there is some consensus in categorizing three types: the social, the existential and the emotional. Social loneliness is more likely to characterize people with difficulties in social skills, a tendency to isolate, and a lack of support networks. It is linked to types of attachment and trauma. It is influenced by social and economic inequalities and is linked to social exclusion, according to psychogerontology expert Feliciano Villar.
Existential loneliness is characterized by a separation from oneself and others. Feelings of isolation, alienation, emptiness, abandonment or fear predominate. There is a lack of meaning or vital project. It is more common in people dealing with losses such as separations and divorces, unemployment and difficulties coping (which particularly affects men), early widowhood, change of residence or health problems. There is another profile that, although it has not suffered any losses, feels that its life project has not been fulfilled in its relationship, family or career. These people constantly compare the life they lead with the life they want.
Finally, those who carry an overload of responsibilities in various areas experience emotional loneliness. For example, caregivers who feel like they are not achieving everything suffer because their personal well-being depends on the well-being of others (children, friends, parents). This creates the feeling of being trapped. It is also related to the feeling of feeling alone despite being accompanied.
When this feeling of unwanted loneliness becomes chronic in middle age, it can lead to a lack of full enjoyment of old age and compromised health and well-being. The book “Loneliness: Understand it and deal with it so you don't feel alone” by Giorgio Nardone gives some recommendations. The first would be to recognize and accept loneliness. The second is to understand why you feel this way and think about the behaviors that are perpetuating the problem. The third option is to promote experiences of connection, attachment, belonging, closeness and intimacy.
For people who experience greater social loneliness, it may be advisable to learn social skills or change maladaptive cognitive patterns (“No one will talk to me”). For those who suffer from existential loneliness, the solution lies not only in cultivating relationships, but also in being able to live better with one's own loneliness or in strengthening oneself through new life projects. This means transforming it into a more serene experience, as Francesc Torralba points out in The Art of Being Alone. It is also helpful to offer support to others and feel useful. The best way to cope with emotional loneliness is to reconsider family, work, or community projects and commitments.
But dealing better with loneliness doesn't just depend on individual will. This includes promoting community architecture and engaging public and social organizations that transform society with initiatives that strengthen social bonds and promote a sense of belonging. Loneliness is neither a tsunami nor a disease, but something that we all feel throughout our lives and that is linked to our state as vulnerable beings, as psychologist Javier Yanguas says. Perhaps the biggest challenge is accepting your own vulnerability.
Patricia Fernandez Martin She is a clinical psychologist at the Ramón y Cajal Hospital in Madrid.
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