dear Jane,
My wife and I gave birth to our first child together four years ago and have raised it vegan since birth. Her mother insisted we do this, although I had serious concerns that it would negatively impact her development.
I’ve always been a big meat eater – I love nothing more than a great steak – but my wife decided to switch to a plant-based diet when we were first trying to have a child and was convinced that it made a difference played that we could manage to understand.
When our daughter was born my wife insisted that we raise her vegan too, which to be honest I was very concerned about, but I agreed because at that point I wanted to give my child’s mother whatever she wanted!
After four years, my daughter is doing great. She loves food, has a big appetite just like her dad and I really enjoyed sharing it with her.
About a year ago I ate a burger for lunch – my wife wasn’t there – and my daughter was fascinated by my food. I figured it wouldn’t hurt to give her a little taste to see how she’s dealing with it, whether it’s causing a tummy ache or something, and she loved it.
Ever since then, I’ve been giving her small pieces of the meat I eat when my wife isn’t around. It was all great until recently I made a mistake and fed her some chicken at a picnic without even thinking about it.
My wife freaked out and yelled at me that I was “poisoning” our daughter and I had no idea how she would react to the meat. At this point, I had to admit that I had indeed been feeding her meat for some time, and this admission sparked another heated argument.
Now my wife is threatening divorce and says she doesn’t know if she can ever trust me with our daughter again. I understand that she’s upset that I kept this little secret from her – but I can’t help but think she’s overreacting?
The international best-selling author offers wise advice on the hottest topics of readers in her weekly column Dear Jane Agony Tante
From: Carnivore Confusion
Dear Carnivore Confusion,
I remember a musical called I Love You, You’re Perfect, Now Change that ran in New York for years. You married your wife who ate meat and suddenly she stopped and now expects your daughter to do the same.
While I can understand your wife going vegan to conceive, it seems damn selfish, not to say difficult, to ask your daughter to follow the same diet when she knows her husband continues to eat meat .
Of course your daughter wants to taste everything you eat. All children want to imitate their parents, especially when it comes to forbidden food.
In fact, the worst thing you can do — unless you’re allergic — is to ban a food group altogether. Oh you stupid new mom I was, I banned sugar for years. It wasn’t until much later that I discovered that whenever my kids visited someone’s house, they would single-handedly destroy the snack drawer and any sugar they could get their hands on.
Honestly I don’t think you did anything wrong and I agree that your wife is overreacting. This type of imposition of other people’s behavior can be a need for control, often masked by fear or anxiety. It’s worth getting to the bottom of.
First you have to have an honest conversation. I think it’s worth checking in with your pediatrician. Not least to make sure your daughter is getting all the nutrients she needs, but also to make sure your daughter’s meat-tasting behavior is normal. I suspect your pediatrician will confirm that there is nothing wrong with your daughter trying meat.
Living up to someone else’s standards of perfection is exhausting and unrealistic. It’s one thing to intend for your daughter to go vegan, but slip-ups, even those you unknowingly (or consciously) make, are bound to happen.
It’s far better if you, as a family, agree to a vegan diet while acknowledging that your daughter can try whatever foods she wants. Even meat.
The best diet advice I’ve ever heard comes from Michael Pollan, author of The Omnivore’s Dilemma and In Defense of Food, who famously says, “Eat food.” Not too much. Mainly plants.’
dear Jane,
Ten years ago I met a man. He was handsome, he was charming, and I truly thought he would be the man to make all my romance-style dreams come true.
But slowly things started to change between us. He cheated on me, he always controlled and he constantly criticized me.
He said I was a horrible person, I couldn’t cook, I couldn’t take a proper shower, I shouldn’t smile because my gums were too big… He once put a knife to my neck because I had to work in the case. He strangled me for boiling an egg. Then he finally beat me, locked me in a room, and left me there for hours without food, water, or even a chance to use the bathroom.
Finally I found the courage to escape. And I’ve never looked back.
But now, a decade later, I still can’t imagine letting anyone else into my life for fear I might end up in the same situation, or maybe even worse. I haven’t kissed a man or even been on a date since it happened. I’d love to find a way to keep going, but I just don’t know how I’m ever going to get past it.
Can you please help me?
From: Haunted by the Past
Rather haunted by the past
Dear Jane’s Sunday Service
I once read an interview with Russell Brand in which he expressed his disbelief in his relationship with his wife: “I sometimes feel like a refugee in my home with this woman, this quiet, beautiful woman who is in the most beautiful way way that is possible.” I don’t care what I do.
“She’s not interested, in the most delightful way.” “Oh, that sounds good.”
Would we all be able to leave our partners as they are instead of trying to change them into who we want them to be? Accepting people on their own terms is one of the greatest challenges, but it also brings with it the greatest gifts.
I’m so sorry you had such an abusive, horrible relationship. I’m also interested in your first comment on your expectations of a relationship – that it should be romance.
The strongest relationships I know are based on trust and friendship. In fact, I know there’s no happy ending to seeing a girlfriend go haywire in true romance whirlwind style.
Relationships that feel like a dream, like something out of a movie where you’re enchanted and treated like a princess are actually the most dangerous because you’re being “love bombarded.”
Love bombing is a form of psychological and emotional abuse where someone uses undue attention, flattery, and praise to manipulate you into a relationship with them. In the end, they invariably end up being either narcissists, abusers, or both, as you’ve sadly discovered.
Now that we have that settled, I suggest two things.
First, see a therapist so you can deal with the trauma you’ve been living with for ten years. Talking to friends isn’t enough – you need a completely safe place and someone who can give you the right tools to get you out of this situation and make sure you never get involved with someone like that again.
I encourage you to make some new male friends and once therapy has started going on some dates, this time being aware of the red flags and warning signs.
It has to be slow and steady, not flattery, romance, and flowers, however good they may feel at the moment.
I wish you all the best.