I put my phone in a drawer, stopped talking for 48 hours, and learned a lesson about happiness.
Julia Sauer
I think a lot about happiness.
Specifically, I think about what is stopping me from being happy. These obstacles may include delayed trains, dry contacts, or the $28 ClassPass missed practice fee.
Most of the time it’s my harsh inner monologue. My generation grew up with the idea that happiness is a choice, so I get angry at myself for feeling different feelings. That’s why when I heard about the University of Pennsylvania’s “monk class” last spring, I wanted to try out their curriculum.
According to the university’s website, the course, officially titled “Conscious Living,” requires students to “adhere to a code of silence” and “abstain from all electronic communication” for a month. “Monks believe that silence clears brain space and makes one more amenable to religious revelation,” Justin McDaniel, the class’s professor, told me in June.
It’s not about curing or preventing sadness, McDaniel said. It’s about being less afraid of being sad and more confident in your ability to manage your emotions.
Thirty days would be hard: my job depends on my voice, my phone, and my laptop. So at the end of August, I took a 48-hour vow of silence and no technology use, which lasted from a Sunday afternoon to a Tuesday afternoon.
At one point, I accidentally said “sorry” to a neighbor who was doing laundry behind me — but otherwise I managed the entire two hours of the day without speaking or using technology. And I learned something that turned my happiness upside down and how to achieve it: Less is often more.
Here’s what that means.
When I’m feeling overwhelmed, I usually pick up the phone, turn on the TV, or listen to something. I’m not entirely sure why – maybe it’s the hope that if I distract myself long enough it will help me get over it.
Typically the opposite happens: my thoughts multiply and I go from overwhelmed to panicked.
I recently started seeing a new doctor who, while reviewing my medical records, paused when she saw that I was struggling with anxiety and mild depression.
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“That surprises me,” she said. “You’re so bubbly and confident.”
My sunny disposition obscures my inner monologue, usually unintentionally. But during my experiment, I found it easier to listen to my self-talk. Without access to Gilmore Girls, Instagram, or the Armchair Expert podcast, I noticed the intrusive thoughts and shook them off more easily.
It turns out that silence can be good for us. It can improve concentration, creativity and mindfulness and helps lower blood pressure, reduce cortisol and ease insomnia, studies show.
In the fall of 2020, I graduated college, ended a relationship, moved in with my parents, and found myself unemployed as the pandemic raged on.
It was a lot. Daily calls to a friend kept me going. We laughed and cried together on the phone for hours. This experience probably taught me the wrong lesson: Whenever I feel something negative, I have to go into crisis mode and tell someone how I feel.
“You have to learn … to sit with feelings of anger, sadness, or loneliness without sharing your feelings with your friends,” McDaniel said, adding that it often only takes “30 seconds of discomfort to deal with.”
During my time in “monk mode,” I still occasionally thought, “Woah. Does everyone I know secretly hate me?” Allowing myself to observe the thought without calling a friend to psychoanalyze it proved shockingly effective. I was able to figure out what was causing the feeling and look at my feelings objectively.
I don’t hate anyone who is a little loud, a little vain, or who cares what others think of them. So why should people think of me like that?
Celebrities, CEOs and monks swear meditation is life-changing. There’s even “moderate evidence” that it reduces anxiety, depression and physical pain, according to a 2014 meta-analysis from Johns Hopkins University.
But I, like many people, am bad at sitting still. I tried sitting in silence with my back against the wall and listening to recordings on a meditation app. After five minutes, I feel worse than before and am annoyed that I can’t control my wandering thoughts.
McDaniel suggested an alternative strategy: At home, he and his children spend 30 minutes each day sitting still or walking.
“In that half hour you can’t read, you can’t study, you can’t listen to music,” he said. “All you have to do is sit with your thoughts, breathe and look at your surroundings.”
Over the course of my two days, I walked in silence for well over 30 minutes. It didn’t convince me to stay away from TikTok forever – I don’t have the self-control for that – but I now find that going for walks without my AirPods can help me keep an eye on my fears.
McDaniel was right. I don’t have to feel good all the time. I just need to make taking care of myself less daunting and hopefully feel a little happier as a result.
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