Poor Brooklyn Beckham can't catch a break. David and Victoria Beckham's influencer son, who has been criticized as a Nepo baby, has been mocked for his photography, footballing skills and, most importantly, his cooking skills.
But at least he's trying to figure out where his talents lie instead of lying around living off his mother, father and heiress' millions.
And tonight he's trying the culinary route again: His new pop-up restaurant, Uber Eats Hosts Brooklyn Beckham, just launched on the food delivery platform.
Could this new venture rehabilitate him in the eyes of the greater British public? I was just about to find out.
But there was a catch: Uber Eats Hosts Brooklyn Beckham only delivers within a five-mile radius of Cambridge Heath – a trendy multicultural part of East London near Bethnal Green.
Ariane Sherine tried out the Brooklyn Beckham pop-up restaurant. Pictured is his Wagyu Bolognese slow-cooked for 12 hours
Now Google Maps says my house is within a five-mile radius of Brooklyn's pop-up shop, but Uber Eats insists otherwise.
So, desperate to try out his food and find out whether it was worthy of praise or scorn, I hopped in an Uber car to Cambridge Heath station and ordered the food on the way. To do this I had to sign up to the Uber Eats subscription service Uber One, which costs £5.99 per month.
The menu featured just five dishes from four different countries: chicken tikka masala (£15), buffalo cauliflower (£10), pork and prawn dumplings (£10), pasta bolognese (£15) and an English breakfast sandwich from his grandma in Brooklyn brought (£12).
Unfortunately, the English breakfast sandwich was sold out in the taxi on the way and was taken off the menu. I'm a bit at a loss as to who would want a sarnie full of eggs, sausage and bacon at 6pm, but I guess we're in the East End. I quickly ordered the other four dishes, costing a total of £50.
But then I had a problem: If my taxi didn't get there quickly enough, I would miss the delivery, so I asked the confused taxi driver to drive faster. Then I texted my soccer-loving ex-boyfriend to tell him I was going to try Brooklyn cuisine. “Maybe you’ll get to know David Beckham!” he was thrilled. I had to disappoint him and explain that despite the pop-up launching in East London, David – and indeed Brooklyn itself – were still across the pond in America. Unless, of course, David now works part-time as a delivery driver for Uber Eats.
Buffalo cauliflower with Brooklyn's “secret” hot sauce, pictured
The Chicken Tikka Masala, pictured, is also one of the five dishes on the menu
Ariane said she didn't want to stop eating the Brooklyn's Pork and Prawn Dumplings pictured
The Chicken Tikka Masala is served with naan bread (see picture).
Luckily, my taxi arrived at the station seven minutes before the food arrived – and I was in for a shock when it arrived. Instead of the usual Tupperware takeout bags, Brooklyn's food came in incredibly chic, shiny black bags with woven fabric handles and a glamorous logo that read “Uber Eats Hosts Brooklyn Beckham” in white font.
I felt like I'd been shopping at Selfridges rather than ordering takeaway in a slightly dodgy part of the East End. As if acknowledging that I was rising up in the world, I took an Uber home in a brand new Tesla.
I rushed back to my house and texted my adoptive grandpa to come over because I wanted to get his opinion on the dishes too. We opened the elegant black boxes on the dining room table and both ate every meal.
They were delivered in inserted plastic containers – and as a climate-friendly bonus, I think all the packaging can be recycled. Grandpa estimated that the fancy packaging must have cost three quarters of the meal.
Could this new venture rehabilitate him in the eyes of the wider British public, asked Ariane (pictured).
The takeaway was delivered in these lush bags and Ariane remarked: “I felt like I was shopping in Selfridges rather than ordering a takeaway in a slightly dodgy part of the East End.”
Here are our verdicts:
Buffalo cauliflower
First of all, the buffalo cauliflower was very fatty but extremely flavorful, with a real spicy kick. There was also a rather sour milk dip in a separate small tub and garnished with spring onions.
These were small, tender pieces of cauliflower that had been fried in a little too much oil and fell apart in your mouth. They reminded me of onion bhajis, but were unexpectedly spicy – the spiciness was a bit too strong for my palate, and I'm Asian!
Grandpa also said that the dish was too spicy for him and that the more you ate, the more spicy it became. You didn't get much for the money – this was definitely a “small plate”, more of an appetizer.
But it was also a taste explosion on your taste buds – you certainly can't call this dish boring. Grandpa wanted to know where the buffalo was – he doesn't like vegetables and would have been happier if the cauliflower had been real buffalo.
My rating: 7/10. Grandfather's Rating: 7.5/10.
CHICKEN TIKKA MASALA
The second dish was Chicken Tikka Masala. This was also garnished with cilantro and bacon bits on a bed of fluffy rice.
The sauce was sweet, creamy and reminiscent of korma, but was a bit heavy – definitely a savory meal that would stick to the ribs.
Grandpa wasn't too keen and found the chicken not particularly tender, while I thought the rice was a bit dry.
We both agreed that we would be perfectly happy if we had gotten this from an everyday curry house in East London, but it didn't seem to justify the £15 price tag.
My rating: 7/10. Grandfather Rating: 6.75/10.
NAAN BREAD
The chicken tikka masala came with a soft naan bread, which I tried next. It was perfectly serviceable, if not remarkable in any way.
It was sprinkled with coriander and was pleasantly tender and filling, with a touch of salt that was a little too strong. It wasn't anything special, but I honestly could have polished off a whole plate of it – it was a real feel-good carb.
My rating: 6.5/10. Grandfather's Rating: 6/10.
Pork and shrimp dumplings
Next was pork and shrimp dumplings, a sort of “siu mai” for dim sum fans. They were garnished with coriander and sesame seeds and served in a small tub with a spicy and sour sesame soy sauce.
I didn't want to stop eating them because they were so tasty and juicy and the sauce had a delicious taste. I love Chinese food, it's my absolute favorite in any cuisine, and while these dumplings couldn't quite compete with the best dim sum, they could compete with any traditional Chinese takeout. Grandpa loved her and described her filling as “wonderful.”
My rating: 8/10. Grandfather's Rating: 9/10.
BOLOGNESE
Last but not least was the Pasta Bolognese – wide, thick ribbons of pasta with a sweet, slow-cooked Wagyu beef ragout with tomatoes, carrots and spinach.
Apparently it took 12 hours to prepare, and it really showed: the beef fell apart beautifully in my mouth, the carrots were juicy, and the tomato was rich.
This was my favorite dish and was apparently taught to Brooklyn by his father. There was a generous tub of parmesan cheese. Grandpa wasn't that impressed with this dish and said there was too much pasta and not enough sauce.
My rating: 9/10. Grandfather's Rating: 7/10.