Do you like cold cuts, a small glass of white wine here, another glass of red wine there, staying up late and sometimes procrastinating? It's probably time to stop self-flagellation. Because happiness, true happiness, is perhaps there, very close: in those small and not necessarily good lifestyle habits, modest mistakes and other weaknesses that you have finally accepted.
Published at 1:12 am. Updated at 6:30 a.m.
If you haven't completed the alcohol-free challenge yet and have already given up on all other New Year's resolutions, read on. This is even more true if your plan to classify your papers strictly for tax purposes has obviously failed.
That's not what we're saying, but rather several psychologists interviewed, for whom striving for perfection and this constant desire to change oneself is not only utopian, unrealistic, but above all harmful. Let's stop comparing ourselves: self-acceptance would ultimately be a much wiser strategy.
It was a tasty article from the Guardian earlier this year that set us on this pleasant path, entitled “Wait a minute: Beer, vaping and scrolling: My bad habits make me feel good.” What do I do? (Free translation: Drinking, vaping, wasting time online: My bad habits are good for me, are you serious, doctor?)
Read the Guardian article here
We asked several specialists the question.
“Are we talking about problematic behavior for ourselves or problematic behavior for the morals of society? » asks psychologist Nicolas Chevrier, President of Séquoia Psychological Services, immediately on the other end of the line. “What is a vice? Here definition is an important element and we must come back to ourselves, to what we think is good for us and what, without excess, gives us a certain joy. »
The key terms: us and no deductible. “If I spend two hours a day on social media, will that do me any good? Are other areas of my life affected? Am I neglecting my family, my spiritual and familial life? My sleep, my sporting activities? » Maybe the hours you spend watching cat videos end up doing you more good than harm. We still need to ask ourselves the question and accept ourselves.
“It is important to take responsibility,” he says, “in order to develop kindness towards ourselves and not fall into extreme perfection.” »
PHOTO MARTIN CHAMBERLAND, LA PRESSE ARCHIVE
Nicolas Chevrier, psychologist and president of Séquoia Psychological Services
We all have our strengths and our weaknesses. And we have our joys.
Nicolas Chevrier, psychologist and president of Séquoia Psychological Services
Furthermore, we shouldn't compare ourselves, but let's compare anyway (!): On average, we all spend around 2.5 hours a day on the Snapchats, Instagrams and TikToks of the world, reveals a study published by numerous media at the beginning of the year. That's 876 hours per year or the equivalent of 36.5 days. In short, we are not alone in this virtual vortex.
Consult the study (in English)
Accept and know yourself
Psychologist and speaker Rose-Marie Charest is currently working on a book on acceptance, scheduled for publication next fall. Despite everything, we have more reasons to be happy (working title) is intended to be “a synthesis of what”. [son] clinical work [lui] brought knowledge of human nature,” she summarizes. Among other things: how important it is to stop “constantly wanting to change” and finally “accept yourself”. Note: “It not only feels good, but often we can also change something here!” »
Counterintuitive, you say? Not necessarily. “You have to stop being your opponent,” she says, “because if you tell yourself: (Insert here: I'll drink less, I'll exercise more, etc.), you'll lose your internal signals!” »
An example ? “Weight loss,” Rose-Marie Charest continues. When we focus on that, we lose sight of what we want to eat. » Self-esteem suffers. However, conversely, if we accept ourselves as we are, with our gluttony, we will have better self-esteem, “we will feel better and will probably have better eating habits”! The secret: accept yourself.
Please note: Accepting yourself does not mean wallowing in who you are, but rather knowing yourself, we understand that, and then eventually and little by little making realistic decisions.
Let's take cat videos as an example: if you know that's where you spend your evenings, and you realize how many days a year are wasted this way, you might naturally try to reduce your video time. A gentle change, more effective than repeatedly telling yourself: “I have to uninstall Instagram.”
Another eloquent example: movement. “We all want to move more,” the psychologist continued.
PHOTO OLIVIER JEAN, LA PRESSE ARCHIVE
Rose-Marie Charest, psychologist and speaker
For me, the year they gave me a training program was the year I did the least!
Rose-Marie Charest, psychologist and speaker
For what ? Because the program in question did not originate from the person who is “she”, Rose-Marie Charest. “He didn't take into account my schedule, who I was, what activities I enjoyed, and I lost sight of what I enjoyed doing!” »
You don't make your bed every morning and you're fine, thanks? “If it makes you feel good, then why should we change?” replies the psychologist. Usually it's about trying to find a pattern. “You have to take your own history into account, that suits us!” » Because the famous “model” is rarely an “intrinsic” motivation, but rather an “extrinsic” motivation, she continues.
In addition, Rose-Marie Charest has come to the following observation over the years: “The older I get, the happier I think the people who have accepted being imperfect become.” Throughout our lives there are things that are not suit us,” she adds. We have the impression that we eat too few vegetables, watch too much TV, read too little or, on the contrary, spend whole nights there. “But those who accept themselves generally have better relationships with others and a more positive self-image! »
Read “From Self-Flaggelation to Self-Compassion”
Update on the challenges
A month without sugar, without screens or without alcohol: there is no shortage of challenges on social networks. “But if we don't have a particular problem, I don't see the point in it,” says psychologist Nicolas Chevrier here. “What's the point of giving up a certain food that I consume in an unproblematic way? » If there is a problem, weaning or weaning for a month is probably not the best possible idea. “The best way to make change is to become aware of the problem,” he continues, “make a realistic plan with small, achievable goals, focus on one behavior at a time, and seek help if that doesn't happen “succeeds.” is not received. Not a social event! “, he said. Sorry: more of a virtual social event. The challenge then becomes a question of image management, and on social networks we know: “When we compare ourselves, we almost always lose”! Furthermore, “it is harmful to to compare with others”. So where is the happiness? “In balance”, concludes Nicolas Chevrier. Depending on my joys and interests. »