James Harden Photo: Getty Images
James Harden made his long-awaited home debut for Philadelphia on Wednesday after defeating the unfortunate Knicks. He gave random 26, 9 and 9 and could be seen smiling and giggling like a sociopath who had just stepped on several children to get to the front of the ice cream line.
After the match, he expressed his love for Philly fans and his new “home”.
“Love, fans, I feel at home. Only love, support, man, from looking around, hearing, “We love you, James,” Harden said afterward.
My lord, speak of a lack of self-awareness. Playing with one of the greatest players in NBA history was not enough. His name needs to scream like caricatures fainted over Frank Sinatra’s cock. Happiness is not enough, it requires euphoria!
This is outrageous on so many levels that it is difficult to track everyone. Besides, this goes without saying, but I will say it anyway, because it’s a pleasant thought: If Harden ever forcibly escapes Philly, he won’t be allowed into this city. He will need so much security to return there even as a guest that it is probably better to just miss this hypothetical game.
If you find it difficult to keep track of all the people he has offended by calling Philly, a place he has been to for less than many people’s summer vacations, “home,” you’re not alone. After all, I am the writer and my job is to do the research. So let’s take a look…
Rocket fans
Harden spent eight and a half seasons – and probably $ 8 million in strip clubs – in Houston. He flourished as an All-Star and then an MVP, he entered the NBA Finals game, winning titles with goals. Calling Philly home after unbearable Rockets fans have defended his style of playing in the doorway for almost a decade is incredibly disrespectful.
I can’t imagine it was fun trying to justify bad hunting and bad playoffs. This is similar to the 76ers fans who have been shouting for The Process for consecutive seasons with overall teen victories. The man who yelled at me on Twitter about the validity of Sam Hinkey’s methods is probably toasting right now, but let’s see how he feels when Embid strains his knee a week before the playoffs and Harden melts into the useless puddle that makes everyone year when the clock struck the postseason.
Nets fans
Fans who boarded the Brooklyn Express when Harden forcibly escaped from Houston like a swollen pig struggling to get out of the robe door are furious. You can bet they are as angry as anyone who has ever loved a team for 13 months can be. Do you know how much a Biggie-themed Brooklyn T-shirt costs? These trustees had to drink Keurig coffee for about two days to save money for Bed-Stuy.
Do you know what Keurig coffee tastes like after a daily diet with macchiato from Barista and Baker? It tastes of poverty and there is no reproduction of Skyy foam art at home. The sacrifices that several violent brothers had to make to support Harden cannot be ignored. He’d better be careful when he returns to Barclay’s Center, because he’ll hear the loudest boos that a player who gives up two teams has ever experienced.
NBA fans
I do not understand why this should be celebrated. The team shook to a record high, fucked up Markel Fultz’s career by selecting him, becoming one of the most entertaining players in the league for most of the season because they infuriated him irretrievably and were rewarded for their own incompetence just because Harden didn’t he could play without his GM blanket.
People who said that Daryl Mori played this wonderfully are right, because life in Brooklyn was too hard for poor James. Kyrie Irving doesn’t want to be vaccinated. Durant cannot wear the team all season. God forbid he has to strain to the point of sweating. Doc Rivers is better off praying there are no hurdles in the playoffs this year, because if he thought Ben Simmons was soft, wait until he has to deal with Harden after a while.
The trial was a fake strategy and fans in general should not learn that gargling with vomit for years is the only way to fight for the title.
The whole human race
There should be no reward for whining. Usually, when your parents finally click and let you put the toy in the shopping cart, you know better than to put the toy in the shopping cart. What behavior do we encourage?
Do you feel at home? Really? Does Philly feel at home? It feels like home. That. It feels. Like. At home.
Hey guys, Jimmy Harden has finally found a home. Let’s go around the room and say something nice about Jimmy. It was a difficult time for him. But now he has found a home as a refugee crossing the Mediterranean on an inflatable raft, only if that raft is a mega yacht and the other refugees clinging to expensive life have been strippers.
Fuck you, James Harden. Sincerely, fuck you.