This story is as old as Biden’s left hip.
When young, beautiful starlets marry handsome boy band types, we crave every detail of their imaginative fairytale and sip the sweet champagne of their effortlessly sexy story.
When they inevitably divorce, we wallow in their misery, lusting after cheesy tidbits and dirty laundry, desperate to spread the blame, say we saw it from the beginning, and a victor and villain in the sordid split saga appoint.
So it is with once-iconic brother Joe Jonas and his incredibly stunning, almost-former wife, Sophie Turner.
Anyone who doesn’t suffer from short-term memory loss knows Joe as the infamous rock hound who bedded and promptly discarded some of the world’s most desirable beauties.
He cavorted with fellow singers Demi Lovato and Taylor Swift – the latter of whom he dumped in a 27-second phone call – and even once “joked” on live TV that he had another ex-bae, the voluptuous leggy Gigi Hadid. would kill” if… Things got tough.
So excuse me for being a little suspicious, as Joe’s wife of four years and mother of his two young daughters has suffered some pretty catastrophic reputational damage lately.
When young, beautiful starlets marry handsome boy band dudes, we long for every detail of their imaginative fairy tale. When they inevitably divorce, we devour their misery, desperate for a victor and villain. (Pictured: Sophie Turner in Birmingham on Saturday).
So is it with once-iconic brother Joe Jonas and his almost-former wife Sophie Turner. Anyone who doesn’t suffer from short-term memory loss knows Joe as the infamous rock dog who bedded and promptly dumped some of the world’s most desirable beauties.
So excuse me for being a little suspicious, as Joe’s wife, to whom he was married for four years and the mother of his two young daughters, has had some pretty disastrous reputation damage of late. (Pictured: Joe and Sophie together in 2019).
Since the first whispered whispers earlier this week that 34-year-old Joe was about to file for divorce from 27-year-old Sophie, the Game of Thrones actress has endured a non-stop brawl, who is portrayed as a hard-partying, shitty mother, who is desperately trying to reclaim her stolen youth.
Here’s a “source with direct knowledge” told gossip site TMZ, Direct Tuesday: “She likes to party, he likes to stay home.” They have very different lifestyles.’
Footage showing Sophie sipping cheap cocktails and shots was cleverly interwoven with Wednesday’s snaps of Joe out and about in LA with their two daughters – implying he’s heroically looking after them alone, one The Jonas Brothers tour schedule is balanced and fabulous all round is Guy while Soph is at a sloppy hot girl summer binge fest in the UK.
And then came this absurd joke about the “ring camera”.
“Multiple sources that have direct contact with Joe” – who could that be? — reiterated to TMZ that he saw footage of Sophie “saiding and/or doing SOMETHING,” which confirmed his decision to leave her.
Who knows what the footage shows. Honestly, who cares?
As if navigating parenthood of a three-year-old and one-year-old through divorce wasn’t hard enough, imagine having the entrenched apparatus of a globally-loved boy band whose name is synonymous with the kind of sane All-American – Goodness is what you will find in a bag of Cracker Jack working against you.
Because that’s what it feels like, right?
Of course, if Sophie was inadvertently downing double vodka sodas with Mojito Hunters and leaving Dad with the two girls across the Atlantic, then there should be serious cause for concern.
Since the first faint rumors of divorce this week, Sophie has been pounded non-stop and portrayed as a hard-partying shitty mother desperate to reclaim her stolen youth. Footage showing Sophie sipping cheap cocktails and shots was cleverly complemented by snaps Wednesday of Joe out and about in LA with her two daughters.
But I’m going to put it lightly and say I’m not buying it – Sophie as that crazy, rum-soaked genie in the bottle that poor Joe couldn’t quite rub. And not least because she was apparently only in the UK for professional reasons and filming a new show.
I’ve also seen plenty of pictures of this once happy duo having harmless fun over a cocktail or two. And that’s not to mention the many pictures of Joe alone, clearly no stranger to drunkenness, with matted chest hair, chugging along.
Maybe Joe thought we would all forget this time during the Corona crisis when he said Sophie was the “homebody” in the relationship. Or the 2020 interview in which Sophie described Joe as a “social butterfly.”
“I’m an introvert…I leave the house about once a day…I have a hard time corralling him and getting him to just spend time with me,” she said.
But now it’s just Joe, the hard-working, loving father – and Sophie, the walking episode of Girls Gone Wild who stuffs tequila-stained dollar bills into a Magic Mike model’s thong.
“Sources” close to Joe may think they’re protecting his oh-so-cheesy-pure personality with these vulgar mudslinging, but they’re only hurting the one person he should be fighting to protect: the mother of his little girls.
Disowning them hurts them – and it also contradicts this absurd joint statement: “After four wonderful years of marriage, we have decided together to end our marriage amicably.” There are many speculative stories as to why, but it is true “This is indeed a collective decision, and we sincerely hope that everyone can respect our desire for privacy for ourselves and our children.”
I’m going to put it lightly and say I don’t buy it – Sophie as that crazy, rum-soaked genie in the bottle that poor Joe couldn’t quite rub. And not least because she was apparently only in the UK for professional reasons and filming a new show. I’ve also seen a lot of pictures of Joe, who seems no stranger to drunkenness, with matted chest hair sticking out and chugging along.
“Sources” close to Joe may think they’re protecting his oh-so-cheesy-pure personality with these vulgar mudslinging, but they’re only hurting the one person he should be fighting to protect: the mother of his little girls.
Oh, vomit in my mouth! How Under Siege Sophie must have gritted her teeth. How dignified her staid silence was.
It’s abundantly clear where these “speculative narratives” come from, a bunch of sleazy, sexist insults that reek like a fetid collection of cojonas.
Sophie’s fear of losing her children in a protracted international custody battle must be palpable. It’s every mother’s worst nightmare, short of being publicly dragged through a gossip quagmire while your hairy ex emerges looking fresher than an idiot advert.
But if we have to prepare for another awkward celebrity breakup – in this big summer of celebrity breakups – then let’s hope Sophie can inspire some “sources” of her own to flip the script and give us a happier ending, Where Mom Isn’t I’m not always the only one riddled with toxic briefing bullets.