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Young Chinese are moving away from traditional decisions such as getting married and having children
November 26, 2023
Chen has gone on more than 20 blind dates, all organized by his mother.
Some of the dates were worse than others, she says, because she suffers from an illness that most of the men she’s dated can’t seem to cope with: She doesn’t want children.
“Having children is very stressful and I don’t like babies,” said Chen, who is in her late 20s and would only reveal her last name. “But it’s impossible to find a man who doesn’t want children. For a man who doesn’t have children… It’s like killing him.”
Despite the series of unsuccessful dates, the pressure to get married has not let up. That almost makes her “explode,” she says.
It’s not just Chen’s parents who want her to get married and have children.
As marriage and birth rates decline, the Chinese Communist Party is trying to encourage millions of young women and men to reverse the trend.
Last year, China’s population fell for the first time in 60 years and the country’s birth rate fell to an alltime low. The number of registered marriages has also been lower than ever before at 6.83 million in 1986.
Discouraged by the slowing economy and rising unemployment, young Chinese are turning away from the traditional choices made by their parents.
The result is a headache for the Communist Party, which is far from experiencing the “national renewal” demanded by President Xi Jinping.
Authorities “do not understand the suffering”
The concern reached President Xi Jinping, who recently gave a speech about the need to “cultivate a new culture of marriage and reproduction.” He also spoke of “strengthening counseling” to shape young people’s views on marriage, children and family.
It’s not that the Chinese authorities aren’t trying.
Across the country, bureaucrats have been mobilized to encourage young people to marry and couples to stay together and have children.
Earlier this year, a small town in the eastern province of Zhejiang said it would offer couples 1,000 yuan as a “reward” if the bride is 25 or younger.
This then surprised and angered local residents, who called the local government “clueless” for assuming that such a small amount of money could have an impact on such an important decision.
Elsewhere, authorities have insisted on a “30day coolingoff period” for couples seeking a separation or divorce. This has raised concerns about women experiencing domestic violence.
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The number of marriages in China fell to its lowest level on record last year
In rural areas where more single men are struggling to find a bride, authorities have ordered women to stop charging high bride prices an amount that a prospective groom or his parents pay to his future wife’s family in exchange for her Demonstrate commitment.
Like other “incentives,” this one won’t work, says economist Li Jingkui.
Even without bride prices, men still compete for a bride, he says. “There might be other ways to compete: houses, cars or just looking better.”
Experts say China’s predominantly male political elite cannot understand what drives the decisions of young people, particularly women.
China’s highest decisionmaking body, the sevenmember Standing Committee of the party’s Politburo, has been made up entirely of men for decades.
The executive level just below, which has more than 20 seats, has had a single woman for the past two decades, until last October. Now there are no more women in the group.
The efforts of these men, and all men beneath them, are often viewed as misplaced and even superficial, and are often the subject of jokes online.
“Basically all government officials have wives,” says Li. “They don’t feel this problem.”
Love is not a luxury
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Chinese women say having a child is no longer an obligation but a choice
Experts believe that China’s unique population consists of two main groups: urban women and rural men.
Rural men suffer from high bride prices and the search for stable employment that can support a family. And this, in turn, seems to allow women in rural areas to spend more time choosing a partner.
“When I came home for Chinese New Year, I felt great about being a woman in the marriage market in rural China,” says Cathy Tian, 28, who works in Shanghai.
She says she fears being seen as “a little old” in the northern province of Anhui, where women typically marry before age 22. But she found the opposite to be true.
“I don’t have to provide anything, but the man has to have a house, a car, an engagement ceremony and also pay the bride price. I felt like I was at the forefront of this marriage market.”
Urban women, on the other hand, say they are concerned about the growing gap between their view of marriage and the rest of society’s view of marriage.
“There is no fear in me,” says Chen. “My fear comes from outside.”
Unlike her parents’ generation, when life was a challenge and love was a luxury, now everyone has more options, she says.
“Our idea now is that it’s okay not to have kids and it’s no longer a chore that we have to do.”
Women also find that government campaigns focus on women and ignore men’s responsibilities as partners.
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Young single women say they bear the unequal burden of parenthood.
And unequal expectations keep young women from becoming parents.
Chen says this is also one of the reasons she doesn’t want children her friend becoming a mother. “Your second son is very naughty. I really feel like every time I go to her house it’s going to explode and the ceiling is going to come down.”
In China, it has become a common saying among young mothers to “raise children as if one’s spouse had died.” This means husbands do not do household chores or share parenting work.
“Every married man I know believes that his responsibility in the family is only to make money,” says a 33yearold data scientist who declined to reveal her name.
“Mothers feel guilty about not being with their children, they even think it’s not right to stay out late. But fathers have never been so guilty.”
But the party has given no indication that inequality and changing expectations are among the challenges it must address to boost marriage and birth rates.
And young Chinese women are making it clear that they are not easily wooed by the authorities.
When they talk about the social pressures they face, they often repeat a slogan popularized during the Covid19 pandemic lockdown in Shanghai.
With these words, a young man argued with the authorities against the harsh restrictions: “We are the last generation.”