Gran Turismo (12A, 135 mins)
Haunted Mansion (12A, 123 mins)
Meg 2: The Trench (12A, 116 mins)
There’s something very 2023-esque about this week’s two main releases, and not in a good way.
One is inspired by a video game, the other by an amusement park ride.
Sometimes I wonder if popular culture will soak up so much until there’s nothing left. I saw that a Love Island “star” has now signed up for Strictly. Maybe we’ll get the nonsense we deserve.
Gran Turismo isn’t nonsense, but it might have been more honest to just call it product placement. It tells the true story of Jann Mardenborough (Archie Madekwe), who in 2011 was able to turn his expertise in the driving simulation game of the same name into a career as a real racing driver.
Orlando Bloom plays, or rather outplays, a hyperactive Nissan marketing executive named Danny Moore, who comes up with the idea of hosting a competition for Gran Turismo players.
Gran Turismo tells the true story of Jann Mardenborough (Archie Madekwe), who was able to prove his expertise in the 2011 driving simulation game of the same name
Orlando Bloom plays, or rather exaggerates, a hyperactive Nissan marketing executive named Danny Moore
Geri Halliwell and Orlando Bloom attend the ‘Gran Turismo’ photocall at the 76th annual Cannes Film Festival in May
Gran Turismo isn’t nonsense, but it might have been more honest to just call it product placement
Archie Madekwe and David Harbor star
The world’s best players will attend the so-called GT Academy, where they’ll learn how to race real-world racing under the reluctant tutelage of cynical ex-driver Jack Salter (David Harbour). One of them then gets a place on the Nissan team and a chance for a big break.
GT Academy recruits are accommodatingly cinematic: male, female, mixed race, young, slim and attractive. None of these compulsive gamers have pebble-thick glasses and personal hygiene issues.
No, the only problem here is that Jann’s father (Djimon Hounsou), a former professional soccer player, thinks he’s wasting his life playing a “stupid” video game. This sets Neill Blomkamp’s film up for the inevitable moment when the old man realizes his boy was right all along about making his Sony PlayStation his best friend and the two end up lovingly hugging each other.
As for Jann’s inefficient mother, who tries to defuse domestic tensions by praising the lenses at dinner and understandably bursts into tears when she watches Jann crash on live TV, she’s played by Geri Halliwell Horner.
This is ironic because, in stark contrast to the whiny Mrs. Mardenborough, former Ginger Spice, wife of Formula 1 star Christian Horner, obviously knows her airbox from the elbow. Fittingly, she ended up in a totally formula-based movie.
In fairness, some of the action sequences are well executed as the narrative relentlessly moves us towards Jann’s ultimate challenge at the 24 Hours of Le Mans. And it’s a story worth telling, even as it makes us wonder why, after all his triumphs, against all odds, he never became a household name in real life.
But the repeated merging of video game imagery and live-action footage that felt far more imaginative and valid in the recent film, Tetris, just filled me with the feeling that I was being poked fun at here.
The Haunted Mansion ride at Disney theme parks first served as inspiration for a film starring Eddie Murphy in 2003.
Owen Wilson as Father Kent, Rosario Dawson as Gabbie, LaKeith Stanfield as Ben, Tiffany Haddish as Harriet and Danny DeVito as Bruce in Disney’s Haunted Mansion
This remake, with a star-studded, mostly African-American cast, does a pretty good job of fusing supernatural horror with comedy, and mostly targets kids. But as popcorn entertainment, it’s hit-and-miss stuff… mostly failure.
LaKeith Stanfield plays a former astrophysicist deeply mourning the loss of his wife, who agrees to help a doctor (Rosario Dawson) and her young son (Chase W. Dillon) rid their spooky new home of the many unfortunate ghosts lurking there.
Tiffany Haddish, Owen Wilson, Danny DeVito, and Jamie Lee Curtis play characters supporting the project, with Jared Leto as the source of all evil, a murderous 19th-century socialite named Crump (who does more than a few thinly-veiled Trump gags allowed).
There’s also a reason why Jason Statham’s character in Meg 2: The Trench is named Jonas, as he’s just one letter away from Jonas, who is the closest thing to an underwater hero in the Bible.
The film begins millions of years ago in the Cretaceous period, which is contrary to belief, before Statham started playing action heroes.
After proving the megalodon to be a work of art, as one would expect from a shark the size of a skyscraper, British director Ben Wheatley’s film takes us further into the present, where Jonas and his Team have to deal with some inconveniences on the sea floor, not all of which were created by the Megalodon community, which was once thought to be extinct.
It’s a relief to emerge for a breath of fresh air after almost two hours of this silliness.
By the way, as in the first film from 2018, many supporting actors in Meg 2 are also Chinese. Oddly enough, much of the co-production money flowed as well.
There’s also a reason why Jason Statham’s character in Meg 2: The Trench is named Jonas, as he’s just one letter away from Jonas, who is the closest thing to an underwater hero in the Bible
The film begins millions of years ago in the Cretaceous period, which is contrary to belief, before Statham started playing action heroes
Bad acting, questionable writing… yes, it’s a real royal mess
Uma Thurman plays the US President and Stephen Fry the British King in “Red, White and Royal Blue” (no certificate, 118 min, ★), a truly regal film adaptation of Casey McQuiston’s 2019 novel about a top secret gay love affair.
The handsome protagonists are the President’s son, Alex (Taylor Zakhar Perez), and the King’s grandson, Prince Henry (Nicholas Galitzine), whose mutual dislike quickly turns into anything but anything else.
Writer-director Matthew Lopez is American, which may be why Prince Henry uses US slang and yet makes painstaking attempts to teach Alex the differences between the two versions of English: “By the way, we call them trousers, not pants, My dear.” .’
But the many problems go much deeper. The extremely questionable lyrics also include a really lousy acting performance as the film, which aims to be both a comedy and a proud LGBTQ statement, falls between two thrones.
Taylor Zakhar Perez as Alex Claremont-Diaz and Nicholas Galitzine as Prince Henry in Prime Video’s Red, White & Royal Blue
In “Heart Of Stone” (12A, 122 min., ★★), Gal Gadot plays a top super agent named Rachel Stone, who works for a seedy but noble organization called Charter. So high-tech that it can “access trillions of data points,” whatever that means, and send important messages into your earbuds even as you’re hurtling down an alp and killing baddies, the charter was created to stop the chaos clean up left behind by governments.
Tom Harper’s film could only be a bigger rip-off from Mission Impossible if it were called Mission Unbelievable. It’s downright goofy, but there are some lively stunts (though not MI league) and an impressive cast that also includes Jamie Dornan, Sophie Okonedo and, fleetingly, Glenn Close.
You Hurt My Feelings (15.93 mins, ★★★) is a gripping drama about the lies we tell those we love to avoid hurting them or to boost their confidence.
Julia Louis-Dreyfus plays a happily married New York writer who overhears her psychotherapist husband (Tobias Menzies, Prince Philip in The Crown) criticizing her unpublished novel after he repeatedly tells her how much he admires him.
In fact, it’s a modern-mannered comedy, intelligently written and directed by Nicole Holofcener, whose impressive credits include the 2013 romantic comedy Enough Said, starring Louis-Dreyfus and James Gandolfini.
Red, White & Royal Blue and You Hurt My Feelings are available on Amazon Prime Video. Heart Of Stone is on Netflix.
In “Heart Of Stone” (12A, 122 min., ★★), Gal Gadot plays a top super agent named Rachel Stone
You Hurt My Feelings (15.93 mins, ★★★) is a gripping drama about the lies we tell those we love