The term “quiet quitting” has recently become famous to define professionals who are the least willing to get fired in their work environment. It didn’t take long for the phrase to reach the relationship realm as well—in this case, to talk about partners who stop trying to be in a good relationship but don’t.
The couple stays there and cooks up the crises without investing in order for this courtship or marriage to last. The term is new, the behavior is not. “This is more likely to happen in men, who tend to be the majority who break up in a relationship. They do not separate and continue to push with their abdomen. Women, for example, see marriage as a loving relationship. a family . And for them, breaking up a ‘family’ is harder than ending a love,” says the clinical psychologist and cognitive therapist, citing a 2017 study from Stanford University in the US that showed women are responsible for filing for divorce in 69% of heterosexual relationships.
According to psychologist Alessandra Augusto, when the relationship stops investing in what the couple has together, partnering “quiets quietly” begins. “You see that when your desires for the relationship don’t matter, when you don’t have a place to talk in this relationship and you’re overwhelmed by his problems,” she explains. If you’re not doing something you like so as not to displease him, you need attention.
Digital influencer and journalist Natália Macedo, 27, had this experience. They had a twostage relationship, one less serious and another ten months later in a more solid way. And as much as his partner insisted they date, he suddenly called it quits. “In the beginning it was great. He really showed that he wanted something serious. But I joke that he put one person to sleep and woke up another. Out of nowhere he started having attitudes that didn’t suit our relationship,” he remembers.
The boyfriend, who previously insisted they were in a serious relationship, didn’t want to see her anymore and told her lies she would only discover months later. “He said he was traveling for work but he was going with friends. He said he couldn’t travel with me because of family obstacles, he even suggested getting the money back but actually it was without me. He even lied that he had a motorcycle accident,” he says.
However, when Natalia confronted her boyfriend, he ran away from the talks. “I lost faith in this relationship, there was a feeling of not being able to have peace. I demanded and said it wasn’t right. But it didn’t end,” he recalls.
“Had to end by message”
“I started going to therapy because it made me anxious. I couldn’t finish it, I felt guilty. I worked it on myself and managed to end the relationship. But we didn’t sit down to talk , untag… I had to finish it via text message. I’m calm, but these days any instability I sense in a partner gets in my way,” says Natália.
Putting an end to this is not easy, but psychologist Alessandra Augusto emphasizes that the person bothered by this situation must take affective responsibility for their own feelings. “There are several reasons that lead to this behavior: a toxic relationship, need to start over, unwillingness to meet other people? emotional dependency,” asks the specialist.
Natalia noticed it and sought help, but many women do not have the same vision. “If the other person ends, you have no choice but to accept it. So wait until it’s done. For example, some women remain in the marriage and live in partial happiness because ending that relationship is very painful,” says Lala.
Anyone who goes through a “quiet exit” in relationships is faced with a person who not only doesn’t honor their desires, but who also distances themselves from their partner. “Despite his best efforts, he doesn’t want to talk anymore. With every failed attempt to talk about the relationship, the hope of improvement dwindles,” says Lala. In her opinion, a lot of people get stuck in the first two good years in 20year relationships. It could also be that the partnership does not want to be responsible for the pain in the end.
Natalia also felt this in their relationship. “I was incredulous. After all, he was the one asking to come back and have a serious relationship. I was in limbo watching things happen and couldn’t finish either. The whole relationship was in his hands: we saw each other, we went out if he wanted. if he wanted? He didn’t try less,” he said.
“This end can last for years and in the process the other loses all energy. Those who try again and again think that the more they invest in this relationship, the greater the chances of waking the other up. But changes only come about if both sides want to,” says Alessandra. For the specialist, it is necessary to pay attention to whether the desire for the relationship is balanced.