Each week in Célib, people of all genders tell us about the joys and questions of their celibacy, whether it is chosen or endured. Today, Pauline, who has been single since last year, is discovering the freedom to live for herself without compromise.
- first name or nickname : Pauline*
- Old : 42 years old
- place of life : border town in eastern France
- Sexual and/or romantic orientation : heterosexual
How long have you been single?
It will be in June I’ve been single for a year. I had enough strength and courage to face the fear of loneliness after 13 years of an off/on relationship.
It was a relationship that goes against all my values and principles. I was very unhappy inside because I was living in denial. I hate alcohol and my ex-partner was very into it. He was a heavy drinker and not violent, but his entire social life revolved around alcohol. He used to go to the bar all day for drinks… I thought I could help him with his alcoholism but I left feathers there. He pulled me down with him.
When our relationship ended we were opposites and had nothing in common because I had been working on myself a lot in the meantime. I didn’t like the person I was becoming anymore and most of all I was wasting my time with it a toxic and codependent relationship. I had the courage to face the breakup and be truly alone without a man in my life (flirt, relationship…). It was A complicated time, but I mastered it and I got out stronger and more confident.
How would you describe your singleness?
This period of celibacy is the best thing that has ever happened to me. I really did a personal development work to understand my mistakes and to repair all my wounds and mistakes. I have read many books and II was finally one on one with myself. I never had the strength to be alone. I was looking for love on the outside but how could a man love me if I didn’t love myself? It’s a long and painful process, but then it’s just luck.
This period of celibacy allowed me to regain my confidence.. I am solely responsible for my happiness. A man is just the icing on the cake.
I’ve never really been alone emotionally or physically since I was 15. I’ve always been in relationships where I had a man on hand. I couldn’t be alone and unhappy: that’s what I thought at the time, but luckily I’ve evolved into it. I threw myself on the first comer who was interested in me. I didn’t know myself, so I didn’t know what kind of men I wanted for myself.
Now, I have non-negotiable criteria : a sporty man, with a healthy lifestyle, without addictions (alcohol, cigarettes…).
I recently had an affair and it turned into a tragedy. In a moment of vulnerability, I let my guard down. This confirms my principles: you really have to take your time before commenting on a new romance.
Does being single affect your daily morale?
Celibacy sometimes affects my morals, but it doesn’t last forever. I’m currently on a sabbatical in Southeast Asia and seeing all the couples on vacation reminds me that I’m single. Dinner at sunset, it is more pleasant for two.
Sometimes I feel the lack of touch, of kisses and of intimacy, but it’s only temporary. It’s like I’m a virgin again and today my vagina is a diamond. I’m in pause mode and it’s relaxing. I’m recovering from all the bad experiences I’ve had. Finding a man for sex in 2023 is easy, but finding a good and free man for a serious relationship takes time.
Do you think being single allows you to do things that you couldn’t do as a couple?
Celibacy is an undeniable freedom. I’m the only one who matters. I do what I enjoy whenever I want. Everything is easier because there are no compromises to be made. I have always been an independent person and enjoy having my own activities and hobbies.
Conversely, do you think that being single prevents you from doing things that you could do if you were in a relationship?
As a single I already do a lot of things: travel alone, possess, invest, play sports… But sometimes there are limits. For example, organized excursions or clichés like restaurants with a romantic atmosphere, snorkeling days together…
In fact, I don’t feel comfortable knowing it will only be couples or families. It sends me back to my celibacy.
When I was renovating my apartment, a man’s support would have been appreciated. As a woman, dealing with craftsmen was not easy.
The opposite, When I do activities on my own, it boosts my confidence and self-esteem. I try to do what I want, even if I’m doing it alone. These are small goals that need to be achieved. In Thailand, I went to a party alone and was the first on the dance floor with an empty stomach. I was too proud because I was free from the gaze of others.
Are you actively looking for a romantic relationship?
In the moment not. I’m still traveling so it’s no use as I’m going back in June. When I come home my eyes are open and I’m ready for the opportunities that come my way. I’m old fashioned so I’m not into dating apps. I believe in destiny and timing.
Does being single and in love affect your sex life?
I am no longer looking for sexual partners. I had my period and I don’t care anymore. It’s a waste of time and energy and often a total disappointment.
Do you feel some sort of imperative to be in a relationship?
No, because I’m happy and true to my values. I shine even when I’m alone.
Sometimes I fluctuate like the stock market, but without crashing.
Do you think being single affects your finances?
is celibate a positive impact on my finances because I can save more money.
There are no more superfluous and unnecessary exits. Since I’m an ant, having a cicada as a partner doesn’t work.
Do you have a dating budget?
No, because I’m not doing it at the moment. I prefer to spend this money on myself by doing something good for myself (massage, travel, sport…).
What are your plans for the future?
I am willing and open to meet men without being desperate. I enjoy what life has to offer me, whether I’m alone or with a companion.
Do you have an anecdote about being single that you’d like to tell?
I played in a tennis tournament last year and it was a revelation. Thanks to this job I have faced my fears and stepped out of my comfort zone (elitist environment, crowd…) because basically I am not a tennis fan. Well, I’ve never seen so many handsome guys per m2 in my life. Since I was 100% focused on being smiling and friendly, Despite jogging and a t-shirt with the name of the event on it, I was successful.
Since then, I’ve found that when I’m comfortable in my sneakers and confident in myself, I radiate happiness. And Men feel it and are attracted to it.
Thanks to Pauline* for answering our questions!
*Name has been changed.
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