A breakup can be a tough experience for many different reasons: from fear of the end of a relationship to involving others, a beautiful love story filled with fond memories can be marred by a long, sloppy ending. Therefore, it is important to master the intricate art of not protracting the ending too much, and making sure that the necessary and painful goodbye does not turn into a “reunion without end”.
The split between Rauw Alejandro and Rosalía was as stormy as it was mysterious, because as soon as suspicions of third-party involvement arose, she quickly denied any indication of infidelity, sowing doubts among her supporters. The surprise came when the Puerto Rican released Hayami Hana, a song full of messages to his ex-partner, in which he tries to make a happy ending and prevent the relationship from becoming a bitter memory for her.
If the parting comes after an infidelity or foul play has been revealed, that parting will inevitably be damaged, although, as psychologist Daniel Blasco explains, there are many ways to witness a betrayal. “The main reason is anger, but some also feel sadness or disappointment. In any case, we can do things with courtesy as long as we accept responsibility for letting our emotions depend on ourselves and the way we express them. It can always be done with respect. Of course, respect and courtesy don’t mean submitting to the needs of others and suggesting that their actions, in this case betrayal, have no emotional consequences,” he says. “In my opinion, honesty has to be a fundamental value in a couple, even if it’s broken,” he adds.
The trap of prolonging the goodbye
Why is it so hard to leave a relationship even when it’s clear it’s past its expiration date? “For some people it has to do with the need to avoid loneliness at all costs, with the feeling of not being able to cope with everyday life alone. For others, it has more to do with the belief that love conquers all and that if we still love each other, we must be together even if the relationship is damaging, because love is more than enough. The truth is, love is necessary, but there are many other ingredients needed to make a relationship work. For others, it has to do with the sense of failure that comes with the relationship ending and not being able to sustain the concept of family that they envisioned,” explains Noemi Seva Vidal, a specialist in gender-based violence Social worker and transpersonal therapist and trainer.
“A breakup will always be painful and it means not only losing the person you shared part of your life with, but future projects, a social life, economic stability, a life you built together to give up who you were in that relationship. Accepting this change isn’t easy, it can emotionally destabilize us, and it’s easy to choose to hold on to a relationship that isn’t working to avoid all of that anxiety and change,” she says.
Psychologist Silvia Congost, an expert in emotional dependency, self-esteem and couples therapy, points out that it is always counterproductive to prolong something that is toxic, no longer satisfies us and consequently makes us feel bad. “It worsens our health and emotional state. It wears us down, stunts our growth, and often causes us to hurt each other even more through arguments and constant frustrating conflicts that get us nowhere. Without a doubt, it’s best to end the relationship as soon as possible when it’s already clear (at least to one of the parties) that it’s not going to go ahead,” she explains.
The last conversation
Many people try to have one last conversation at the end of a relationship to discuss unresolved issues and smooth things over so the goodbye doesn’t cloud the memory of the relationship. The trouble is, there’s still something to say, and sometimes that conversation takes an unexpected turn that makes saying goodbye even more bumpy. How can we not reflect on the fact that this conversation didn’t work, and how can we refrain from thinking that maybe it would be a good idea to have yet another conversation, dooming us to a never-ending goodbye?
“By accepting that the relationship wasn’t based on that conversation. There is certainly nothing you can do or say that will change the current situation. We have to accept that sometimes we expect the other person to be able to talk, show empathy, listen and also acknowledge our needs, and it turns out that if we’re being honest, we’re not as surprised as the person reacts with the situation because they may have acted that way more or less throughout the relationship. […] We need to understand that we don’t necessarily have to close the relationship with the other person at all; We can also tell each other everything we need and complete it ourselves,” explains Seva Vidal.
If third parties are involved, does it make sense to mention this or is it better to keep quiet? “Everyone has to judge for themselves. To find out, it’s a good idea to ask yourself, “Was dating someone else really the main reason I decided to leave the relationship, or were there other issues that didn’t work out between us?” Does my ex need to know this? Will this information help you? Will they be able to do anything with it? How will it affect them, will it hurt their self-esteem? Can they handle this information now? What impact is it supposed to have on them and why? Is there a part of me that wants to hurt her or make her react in some way? How will I feel if I confess? why do i have to do it What am I looking for with this confession? Sometimes deep down we want to stop feeling guilty. But we have to be careful and affectively responsible to the other, considering their personal circumstances and feelings to avoid a sincere murder. There will be instances where the other needs to know that someone else was involved in order to process the breakup and when they ask for it,” explains life coach Ainoa Espejo.
If the breakup was terrible and we want to process this uncomfortable feeling through a last talk for clarification, it is better to get the one who lied to confess, confront him with the truth or forget about the lies and try to cover them up keeping things friendly? “Being betrayed is heartbreaking and upsetting. It’s not uncommon to feel that in order to have inner peace, we need to confirm our suspicions, knowing that we’re not crazy and that we were right in our doubts. But we must be careful not to embark on this quest, suffering, obsessing, forcing the other to confess, putting our peace of mind in their hands and giving them a power they shouldn’t have. The fact that this unsettles you and that you suspect them of cheating is reason enough to walk away. That’s the only certainty you need: to know that you deserve the best and that you can trust yourself because you’re taking care of yourself and protecting yourself from what harms you. Give yourself the degree you deserve; don’t torture yourself,” says Mirror.
Congost believes that happy endings are possible, but both parties must be balanced, mature, and rational. “Both must be able to understand the other, to come to terms with their needs and their innocence, and to be aware of the lessons we have learned from that experience. When the relationship ends on mutual terms, that’s perfect, then the happy ending becomes easier, but that’s not always the case and we don’t always find two people who are able to handle things with elegance, education and maturity.” she warns.
As Daniel Blasco affirms, so that we are emotionally prepared to continue experiencing other relationships that can make us grow, both individually and as a couple, we must seek a peaceful ending that leaves no open problems. Try to do the right thing in the end, learn from it and stop obsessing over the perfect breakup because if we obsess too much about ending a relationship smoothly, we can get stuck in a forever goodbye.
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