The Brazilian Karla Tenório, 40, already regretted being a mother during birth: “When my daughter's head came out of me.” She defines this moment, in which there were complications, as “a shock” and assures that “ “It is compatible to love your daughter and regret being a mother,” because, she explains, her conflict is with the stresses that motherhood brings, and not with her daughter, 13 years old. At first she felt like “a monster,” then she realized that what she was experiencing was shared by more people. According to the Las Invisibles report, prepared by the Yo No Renuncio Association and the Malasmadres Club after surveying 94,000 women, 12% of mothers question the choice. The idealization of motherhood and social pressures influence decision-making, which is not always compatible with work and social life. Although his daughter is now the most important person in his life, Tenório is clear: “If I could go back, I wouldn’t get pregnant.”
His words are echoed by Barcelona fans Laura Cava, 36, and Ana, 38, who prefers not to reveal her last name. The latter was surprised when she found out about her pregnancy. “I had breast cancer and the doctors told me that it was virtually impossible to get pregnant because of the treatments I received,” she explains. He decided to move on: “We were the only ones outside the family pattern.” She always heard that motherhood was the best thing that could have happened to her in life, although she now thinks otherwise. She admits that she loves her one-year-old son “crazy,” but her feelings for him don't justify her new reality with “constant stress,” which she considers unhealthy.
Tenório decided to give birth to her daughter because of “the preconceived notion of idealized motherhood.” She suffered from depression for nine years since birth. “I was obsessed with perfect parenting, I wanted to do everything without delegating anything, I never rested and began to lose my memory and sense of time,” he describes. He still remembers these moments clearly: “It seemed as if life was ending, as if a mother was born and a woman died.” He currently feels good because he has built “a beautiful relationship” with his daughter. But if I could go back in time, I wouldn't choose the path of motherhood. He believes his professional and personal life would get better.
“I don’t like this routine of washing bottles or going to daycare,” says Ana. Nevertheless, she always does it with the best attitude. His self-entitlement makes it difficult for him to separate from his son for a second. “You lose a little of your identity, there is no freedom. It’s virtually impossible to go to the toilet alone,” she explains. Cava also regrets being a mother, but attaches great importance to the education of her little ones, ages six and eight. “I have to balance my personal frustration at making the wrong decision with the responsibility of wanting to do it right,” he explains.
The head of Madrid psychologists, Montserrat Cabello, reveals that maternal regret is a reality that emerged in consultations about ten years ago, but the frequency of patients coming to the clinic for this problem is increasing. He believes that this situation has always been present, although it was not visible before. The social pressure to have children remains, she observes. Also remember that in the past, society didn't ask so much of mothers. “Not only do you need to grow, but you also need to grow personally and professionally. “The tasks have multiplied,” he explains.
Cava had to put his professional ambitions on hold, and that saddens him. The wage inequality compared to his partner led him to reduce his working hours to care for his children. In her youth, she did not feel the desire to become a mother, but with a stable life and the hope of becoming a father, she had two children. She realized that she was sorry when the little ones stopped being babies and began to resume their former lives, without success. She is frustrated because the social system does not support her: “You are fighting to get back to the way you were before, but you come up against many walls and at the same time the demands of two children who need you.”
Cabello also notes in her advice that women now feel more alone in parenting because previously there was a social environment that was more supportive of mothers. “There was a tribe, everyone raised their children,” he says. Additionally, while it is assumed that the couple will work together to provide care, this is not always the case, he says. “There are people who realize that they don't want to have children alone, but then they realize that what was supposed to be a joint project is not because the contract was broken,” she clarifies. For the psychologist, social pressure, idealization and inequality often influence later regret: “Go to the door of a school and compare the mothers and fathers who pick up their children.”
Realizing that there were more people in her situation, Tenório created the Instagram account “Mãe Arrependida” (Repentant Mother, in Portuguese) in 2020 to promote her piece addressing this issue. Six months later, she shared her opinion on motherhood on this social network: “I was stoned until many people realized that I loved my daughter and a movement of empathy arose,” she admits. She has more than half a million followers on her profile who also share their experiences. “The liberation of a repentant mother is the liberation of a daughter,” he says. Her goal is to deconstruct what she believes is the imposed myth of motherhood. “Coelho Neto, a Brazilian poet, wrote that being a mother means suffering in paradise. “Would his wife, with whom he had 14 children, say the same thing?” he thinks.
Karla Tenório, actress and creator of the Instagram account “Mãe Arrependida”.Leonardo Carrato
Cava admits that motherhood came not to complete the life she was happy with, but to take away her independence. “Friday comes and often you don't have the energy, before you go to work you have already worked and then you have to keep working until you go to bed,” he says. Although she hates going to the park, she refuses to fill her children's afternoons with extracurricular activities: “So why do we have kids? “I don’t like the job of being a mother, but I will try to give them a good life.”
The psychologist explains that postpartum depression can initially be confused with regret because the symptoms are similar: depression, anxiety, mood swings, fatigue, restlessness and social isolation. But “the difference lies in a philosophical question, in the why: who I am and how I want to position myself in the world,” he clarifies. In the first case, there are no regrets about being a mother.
misunderstood women
These women feel misunderstood and persecuted by a taboo. “I don’t like WhatsApp groups for school parents or going out with my friends to talk about kids. When I say that I already want them to leave the house, people laugh and think it's a joke, or they don't know how to respond because it's not something that's naturally spoken about,” says Cava. On the other hand, Ana appreciates her partner's unconditional support, but is sometimes overwhelmed by guilt because she considers her son to be very good.
Cabello emphasizes the importance of letting go of this feeling because these women are “not selfish” because they care and love their children. Furthermore, she insists that regret will not dominate their lives because they will learn to deal with it and build a tailored motherhood that is not in service of societal constraints.
The paradoxical ambivalence between hatred of motherhood and love for a child For these women it is possible. They are mothers who now face the present with responsibility, but if they could go back to the past, they would make a different choice that they consider more appropriate based on their experience. Tenório has already addressed this issue with her teenage daughter: “I told her that it was her mother’s problem with society, not with her.”
– What did he answer?
— Being a repentant mother is a reality, but you love me and care for me, so for me it is just a word.
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