A young mother has revealed how she is left with crippling uncertainty and anxiety after a three-year relationship with a narcissist who uses her vulnerability against her at every turn.
Sarah *, whose name has been changed to protect her identity, said she missed the red flags and “ignored her insides” after being overwhelmed by wild romantic gestures.
Until she realized that she had been trapped in a toxic relationship, she did not know how to escape and was too “emotionally engaged to separate properly.”
A young mother reveals how she is left with crippling insecurity and anxiety after a three-year relationship with a narcissist who uses her vulnerability to her at every turn
“He would cry and I would remember how much he had to sacrifice to be with me, and I would let him stay,” she told FEMAIL.
It wasn’t until her first child was born that she realized she had to get away forever.
He was this good-looking, wonderful, successful man. He had a nice car, he spoke well and he adored me.
“I just knew I had to protect my baby from this monster,” she said.
The young woman was 24 when she briefly met her ex at a party, they connected on Facebook, where “they will talk from time to time.”
“He had a girlfriend at the time, it wasn’t romantic, we just said hello from time to time, touch the base,” she said.
Six months later, she was bombarded with messages in which the man said he had broken up with his partner and wanted to be with her.
“He complimented me and was really nice. He was this good-looking, wonderful, successful man. He had a nice car, he spoke well and he adored me, “she said.
“It was a dream come true for a 25-year-old girl.”
Within weeks of texting, the man decided he desperately needed to see Sarah, so he “took her to heaven” for a luxurious 30-hour vacation.
“When he offered it, I told him no. “I couldn’t afford it and it was too much,” she said.
What are the red flags you need to watch out for to avoid a narcissist?
1- Difficult and fast communication – you don’t know them properly, but they keep insisting on moving things – there is a level of lust here, confused as love. Relationships need to be built over time – this is the biggest red flag.
2- They don’t take no for an answer – they do it in a way that encourages them to say yes. Cross the boundaries slowly, you have no boundaries left.
3- I would look at their social circle – do they have good relationships and a healthy social life? If you don’t have anyone out of the relationship, you need to worry instead of feeling bad about them.
4- Fierce battles – the little subconscious digs in during disputes that make you doubt – how you look or think or your family’s love for you. The battle for laundry should never make you focus on how you drive or your weight.
5- How they treat people who “just go through” their lives – like the old man, the waiters, the garbage. Little things that you don’t like and that are rejected when they are mentioned.
“He insisted that this would be an amazing first meeting and that he liked me and wanted our first meeting to be memorable, so he bought me tickets and sent them to my mailbox. I wish I knew about the love bombings then and could see him manipulate me to say yes.
Looking back now, Sarah realizes that this is the first of the main red flags – his ability to effortlessly change “no” to “yes” without her feeling overwhelmed.
“If someone puts tickets in my inbox now, I would be offended to death, I can pay for myself and I’ve always stood by it, but I was caught right now,” she admits.
“It had to be a red flag that he was using money, his only strength at the time, to get me to do what he wanted.”
After the whirlwind journey, the man decided to change his tickets to fly back to Sarah’s town, where they could continue to get to know each other.
I thought, oh my God, how romantic that is. He changed all his plans just to be with me. He must be my soulmate, this is destiny.
A week later, Sarah took him to the airport, where he returned home to his normal life.
She says she felt a wave of relief flooding her because she finally regained her life after a few weeks of chaos and would not have to share her space.
The mother hopes to use her voice to help other women avoid the “seven years of hell”
“It was supposed to be another big red flag for me, but I didn’t know any better, so I just ignored it.”
Weeks later, the man revealed that he was selling his house and moving to be closer to it because “he can’t stand the separation.”
Four months after their first meeting, he stepped on her doorstep in a single suitcase and “promised to find his own place,” but never left.
“He will complain that everything is too far from me or does not suit his style,” she said. “I felt bad for him because he had uprooted his whole life for me, so I invited him to stay with me. After all, we were in love.
I remember one day he stopped next to an old man at a traffic light and just started harassing him by saying horrible, age-old things.
Two months later, he suggested, and despite the awful feeling she told Sarah was “too early,” she said yes.
“He fell to his knees in front of many people after taking me on holiday and I was too embarrassed to say no, I didn’t want to upset him,” she said.
After the engagement party, her partner’s glow began to fade, and she began to see “the real him.”
“I remember one day he stopped next to an old man at a traffic light and just started abusing him, saying horrible, old things.
“It was so disturbing for me, and when I mentioned it, he shrugged. I remember thinking that his reaction scared me, it just wasn’t normal. The old man had done nothing wrong.
This behavior towards transitional people, those who will probably never see the couple again, continued.
“He’ll throw the trash under his car instead of walking ten meters to the bin because it wasn’t his problem.” “But these are small things, so you don’t notice their real impact right now,” she said.
Then he started hitting Sarah, using her vulnerabilities to attack her in subtle ways every day.
“He knew enough about me at the time to know what would hurt the most.”
“We were going to have a normal argument between the couple over food, and he was going to say that I’m getting fat or I have bad teeth, or I’m not good at my job.
“He told me that my family and friends didn’t like me. And these little swings would bruise. They would stay with me long after the battle was over.
PRODUCT IMAGE: Sarah said her ex-partner moved fast and “swept her off her feet” before slowly making her believe she needed him to survive
Sarah said that when she talked about the quarrels with her family, they did not understand why she was so upset because she could not express what had happened.
“They would be confused because I was devastated after a fight over laundry,” she said.
“But it wasn’t about the laundry.” It was about self-doubt and the hours when I wondered if I should work out more in the gym or brush my teeth to make this man happy.
“I wish I knew that the battles that end with you being different in appearance or personality, instead of thinking about the problem you’re arguing about, are a huge red flag.”
Sarah wanted to end the relationship, but the man had taken root in her life, lived without rent in her apartment, and cried every time she made him leave.
“Hearing a man cry is awful, I’ll end up being so upset and tell him I love him and he can stay because we can handle it.”
Another red flag appeared after Sarah spoke to family and friends about her partner and his hurtful, manipulative behavior.
I knew he would do nothing to anyone because he feared that his charismatic personality and charming fake face would be seen.
“Narcissists hate to be seen, so when he found out I was complaining about him, he cursed me for talking behind his back and destroying his image,” she said.
“She decided she didn’t like them anymore and would avoid being around them. He would tell me that they were not good or that they were fake and did not love me.
This leads to the fact that she is separated from her closest and dearest.
“That’s exactly what he wanted, because then I lost my support system,” she said. It would hurt my brain to broadcast a battle, but no one could fully comprehend the depth of my disappointment with sadness.
When Sarah became pregnant, she was excited but confused after her instinctive instinct was to leave her partner to protect the baby.
Then she realized that she had neglected too many red flags and was in trouble.
The man who told her he loved her and once spent hours telling her she was beautiful, and buying her lavish gifts now pushed her.
His kind words turned into criticism, he was emotionally detached, physically detached and would financially harass her.
“I knew he would do nothing in front of anyone because he was afraid that his charismatic personality and charming fake face would be seen.
“So I made sure I had someone with me the last time I kicked him out. And every time I talked to him or he picked things up after that, I made sure I wasn’t alone.
It made everything different.
He smiled, said well, and returned the keys to me. There were no crocodile tears or drama, “she said.
Now her child is four years older than the relationship, which lasted three years.
But her ex still has “his nails in it”, she says he “refuses to let go”.
“He drags things to court in a slow motion so that he can have an excuse to talk to me. Therefore, the trauma will not stop. Not only that, but each time is a new wound. “Every email she sends calls me a stupid, bad mother or ugly,” she said.
It was seven years of absolute hell.
Sarah would like to get everything back, to shout at her younger self to see the early red flags, but for one thing – her child.
“If I got everything back, I wouldn’t have my baby. So instead, I want other women to know the signs so they can avoid being trapped, as I was. As I am.
Sarah says people who live with a narcissist and struggle with the opportunity to escape need to make sure they do everything in company.
She says their nature makes it impossible for them to be terrible in company because their strength relies on being seen as heroes and their victim as crazy.
“It was such a relief that I was able to open up to my loved ones about everything. When I finally left, everyone was on my side because the veil had been lifted.
“The worst thing about this abuse is that there are few outward signs. If a man punches you in the face, you will have a black eye and your friends will want you to leave.
“Narcissists are smart because they leave bigger bruises, but they’re all inside.”
“The more I know about this personality disorder, the more it makes sense. They move fast, so when they slip and show up, it’s too late.
Women who have been subjected to domestic violence can call 1800RESPECT on 1800 737 732.
Men can call Mensline on 1300 789 978.