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The first election-year episode of Saturday Night Live began with James Austin Johnson's Donald Trump bragging that he was “more cognitive than ever” and that his campaign had “had a lot of success saying things that didn't happen.” .
The Republican front-runner spoke to the press outside a New York courthouse where he is facing a defamation lawsuit from E. Jean Carroll, a woman a jury has already found he sexually abused and whom he cannot stop. to attack.
After being introduced by his lawyer Alina Habba (Chloe Fineman), Trump commented, “You’re great on TV. Maybe the worst lawyer I’ve ever had, which is quite an achievement.”
And as for the rest of his legal team standing in the background: “This is the bottom of the barrel, folks. This is the one who said yes. I'm in the running for president, and this is the best I can get. Feels like a red flag, doesn’t it?”
Trump then praised Vivek Ramaswamy, the biotech entrepreneur who withdrew from the race this week. Ramaswamy “has agreed to live in my suit pocket,” Trump said proudly, patting his jacket. “I love my little ratatouille.”
“As you can see, I’m doing very well cognitively. Copes well with cognitive skills. I think I'm doing well in the cognitive area. I'm more cognitive than I've ever been,” he continued, a day after Trump – who repeatedly mentions that he aced a cognitive test – mistook Nikki Haley for Nancy Pelosi at a campaign stop in New Hampshire.
“The doctors said, 'Sir, you have to be in the top 99% of people with concussions and dementia that we give this test to,'” Trump continued. “I said, 'Wow, I guess I'm really good at spotting elephants. Who knew?' And now we are here. And that's the campaign, folks. That’s all: I’m screaming in a courthouse lobby, standing behind a barricade like a Guatemalan family picking up passengers at JFK.”
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“I'm back in general. I'm back like Mean Girls,” Trump continued, referring to the film that came out earlier this month and whose co-star Reneé Rapp was the musical host of SNL.
Trump then outlined his campaign strategy for the coming months.
“We've seen a lot of success with saying things that didn't happen. I think we will continue to do that. It is an innovation that I am particularly proud of. Seems to work very well,” he said. “That's why I don't hold debates and hardly any elections. I don’t have to.”
“My people love me. I have the old people. “They wait two hours in the snow to vote for Trump,” he continued, before alluding to his comments to Iowans before the caucuses last Monday.
“We just need them to stay alive until November. Stay alive until November. Just pull the lever and drop dead. Why? Because I was sent by God and God has a plan for me or whatever.”
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The next twelve months, Trump concluded, “will be a very exciting year.”
“I’m either going to go to prison, become president or, frankly, do the purge,” he said. “Maybe all three. Let’s rotate the chamber.”