Sticky, tasteless and a vanity out of this world! MAUREEN CALLAHAN skewers Vogue’s foul-mouthed duo of Lauren Sanchez and Jeff Bezos – a pair of intergalactic egos who simply CAN’T read the room

Lauren Sanchez is ready for her close-up.

Not since David Geffen posted from his private yacht at the height of quarantine have we seen such an aggressively cheesy, tone-deaf display of wealth, this time in the pages of Vogue.

This isn’t just a flattering profile of Sánchez and his fiancé Jeff Bezos — it’s drooling, uncritical, and as superficial as their pneumatic bodies.

Here’s Sánchez, 53, on her wardrobe: “I’ve always found it interesting that people say, ‘Well, Lauren, you definitely dress more for men.’ Actually, I dress for myself.”

“But it works for Jeff,” Jeff says, using the most insufferable narcissistic tic by referring to himself in the third person.

There are clever observations everywhere, but otherwise this is an Anna Wintour special: questions without teeth, controversies ignored, scandals and extramarital affairs ignored.

Of course everything is gilded, with an old-fashioned portfolio by Annie Leibovitz, without irony or poignancy – just cliched idolatry that Leibovitz denounces.

Lauren Sanchez is ready for her close-up. Not since David Geffen posted from his private yacht at the height of quarantine have we seen such an aggressively cheesy, tone-deaf display of wealth, this time in the pages of Vogue.

This isn’t just a flattering portrait of Sánchez and his fiancé Jeff Bezos – it’s drooling, uncritical and as superficial as their pneumatic bodies. This is an Anna Wintour special: questions without teeth, ignored controversies, ignored scandals and extramarital affairs. Of course it’s all gilded, with an old-fashioned portfolio by Annie Leibovitz, no irony or poignancy – just cliched idolatry, Leibovitz calls it.

It’s Jeff and Lauren in costume: cowboy and cowgirl on their 400,000-acre ranch in Texas, Lauren in a white Levi’s tank top, chunky diamond earrings and her reportedly over 30-carat, $2.5 million engagement ring clinging to Jeff with his super -Tight black t-shirt, bulging biceps, cowboy hat and dead eyes.

“I really believe that I’m coming into who I am and knowing what feels good,” she says.

I have no idea what that means.

However, author Chloe Malle uses this moment to denounce Sánchez’s somewhat awkward aesthetic in a playful and elegant way.

“Call her effect exuberant luxury,” Malle writes, “a reminder that not every wealthy woman needs to wrap herself in The Row.”

This is really a real bummer.

Malle herself, the daughter of actress Candice Bergen and the late French film director Louis Malle, is no stranger to this world.

One wonders what she and Wintour really think of the future Mrs. Bezos, who, as noted here, has a fondness for the word “magical” and whose most recent favorite movie was “Barbie.”

Or what they think of Bezos himself, the nerd-turned-billionaire who gave Sánchez a coffee mug — bought on Amazon, of course — that said, “Wake up sexy as hell again.”

They’re some of the most powerful people on the planet, and they rave about their workout routines – “He’s a monster in the gym,” says Sánchez – their journaling habits and, not to mention, their commitment to the environment.

“I think Jeff and I are really focused on the long-term commitment to climate action,” Sánchez explains. ‘Ten billion [in donations] is just the beginning.’

Says the fiancée of the man who owns the world’s largest yacht, which cost $500 million and has a voluptuous, long-haired figurehead that some say resembles Sánchez – although she dismisses those rumors and suggests that a bust of her … would be bustier.

She may pilot her private helicopters in coffin nails and heels, she may plan her girls’ trip to space herself, but she insists that she remains on the ground.

They are some of the most powerful people on the planet and rave about their workout routines, their journaling habits, and, not to mention, their commitment to the environment. “I think Jeff and I are really focused on the long-term commitment to climate action,” Sánchez explains. ‘Ten billion [in donations] is just the beginning.’

Says the fiancée of the man who owns the world’s largest yacht, which cost $500 million and has a voluptuous, long-haired figurehead that some say resembles Sánchez – although she dismisses those rumors and suggests that a bust of her … would be bustier.

She may pilot her private helicopters in coffin nails and heels, she may plan her girls’ trip to space herself, but she insists that she remains on the ground.

On her newfound philanthropy: “This is the most important work I’ve ever done.”

Details don’t matter.

“She’s just a very good role model,” purrs Bezos. “She keeps in touch with people.” “I’ve never seen her do her makeup without calling anyone.”

Indeed, a woman to admire. Aspire.

America, let your daughters read that no professional or personal goal can compete with the “blackout” in the size of a vulgarist’s engagement ring.

When it comes to the wedding, Sánchez is modest. “Will it be big?” she asks. A cliffhanger for the ages.

The rest of the track consists entirely of Lauren squashed into designer clothes and contorting herself on the steps of a giant, diamond-cut underground clock that Bezos built — “It represents thinking about the future,” she says — or in ecstasy in an unnamed location – control tower, breasts out and head back, or lying in a Ferragamo minidress in one of Jeff’s space capsules, her crow’s feet seemingly unairbrushed.

This final detail is perhaps an attempt at authenticity amidst otherwise extremely polished photos.

“Our lives are pretty normal,” Sanchez says.

A world in turmoil strikes back. A selection from social media:

‘NOBODY CARES. Read the damn room.’

“With everything going on in the world, who do you want to promote?”

“Stop glorifying billionaires.”

In fact, this article has no meaning other than the 1 percent glorifying the 0.000000001 percent.

These include, in a sad sign of our ever-declining American culture, the Kardashians.

In fact, this article has no meaning other than the 1 percent glorifying the 0.000000001 percent. These include, in a sad sign of our ever-declining American culture, the Kardashians.

Yes, Lauren Sánchez—first married to an NFL tight end, then to Patrick Whitesell, one of Hollywood’s most powerful agents—knew she had made it when she went from local TV host and dance show judge to best friend Kris Jenner rose and Kim K.

Perhaps the best part of this epic hate read is the shared origin story of Sánchez and Jenner, who met in LA decades ago when neither was any good for the other.

Jenner, we’re told, first met Sánchez when she “and her then-husband were selling their Superfit with Kris and Bruce Jenner stair climbers,” and Sánchez was of even lesser importance.

A few years ago they met again at very different points in their lives, at a dinner at Bezos’ estate in Beverly Hills.

‘We know [Sánchez and Bezos] will be in our lives forever,” says Jenner – and I believe her. Who thinks Kris will let go of this golden goose?

Reading this drivel, you would never know that Bezos not only owns Amazon and the private space colonizer Blue Origin, but also Whole Foods, the Washington Post, Audible, Zappos, Ring Doorbell, the robotics company Kiva, the Hollywood database IMDB, MGM Studios and One Medical.

They also don’t know that Whole Foods reportedly used heat maps to spy on employees and detect pro-union sentiment, according to internal documents leaked in 2020. Or that Amazon employees should strictly monitor and schedule their bathroom breaks. Or that Alexa uses AI and its own human employees to eavesdrop on users, according to 2019 New York Times reports.

One wonders how safe anyone, even Sánchez, can feel around Bezos.

However, she insists, she has no qualms about taking his name: “One hundred percent… I’m looking forward to being Mrs. Bezos… everything is shared.”

Reading this drivel you would never know that Bezos not only owns Amazon and the private space colonizer Blue Origin, but also Whole Foods, the Washington Post, Audible, Zappos, Ring Doorbell, the robotics company Kiva, the Hollywood database IMDB, MGM Studios and One Medical.

One wonders how safe anyone, even Sánchez, can feel around Bezos. However, she insists, she has no qualms about taking his name: “One hundred percent… I’m looking forward to being Mrs. Bezos… everything is shared.”

There’s an astonishing vignette in which Bezos, mixing margaritas for Sánchez and Malle in his private room-style bar, laments the lack of salt – only for an employee to appear out of nowhere with a deli-sized amount.

“Wow,” says Bezos. “It’s like a salt ghost out there!”

Or perhaps a non-union, heat-mapped workforce of low-paid employees privy to Camp Bezos’s every need and desire.

Not that Jeff would ever do that. Not that he’s anything but full of goodwill and an Oprah-esque search for purpose.

“I think there is an interesting thing that you can try and do,” Bezos says at the end of the article, “and that is to look forward to the future and live in the present.” The whole future is created right here, in this moment.”

If our ego is built by these two intergalactically large egos – well, be careful.