After the Awful Emmys, the Crock of Choice Awards and the Gruesome Globes, the Grammys came to reboot music.
Sheltered from a storm-tossed Los Angeles at the Crypto.com Arena, it was a welcome night of cathartic crescendo bliss, sizzling senoritas, bad hair and bombastic secret poetry clubs.
Damn, it was the best awards show I've seen in years!
I was expecting the tiresome Trevor Noah to suck the oxygen out of the room with his pneumatic self-focus, but – the first shocking revelation of the evening – he was actually an effortlessly hilarious host, breathing life into an event that was certainly one of the… first began The worst red carpets in history. (What was Doja Cat – in that nipple peek-a-boo, that monstrosity on her forehead – thinking?)
Second shocking revelation: Meryl Streep is Musk Mark Ronson's mother-in-law… Who knew?!
Unlike the dismal torture of Jo Koy's Globes disaster, Noah didn't succumb to the ass, roasting celebrities and idiots alike, even highlighting Queen Taylor's late arrival (“As she walks across the room, the local economy improves”) and took a solid hit at disaster-stricken Boeing: “This show is live – anything could happen.” It's like flying in a Boeing plane. One moment there's a door, the next you're outside.'
After the Awful Emmys, the Crock of Choice Awards and the Gruesome Globes, the Grammys came to reboot music. Sheltered from storm-tossed Los Angeles at the Crypto.com Arena, it was a welcome evening of cathartic crescendo bliss, sizzling senoritas, bad hair and bombastic secret poetry clubs. (Pictured: Taylor Swift and Celine Dion backstage).
I was prepared for the annoying Trevor Noah (pictured with Beyoncé) to suck the oxygen out of the room with his pneumatic self-focus, but – the first shocking revelation of the evening – he was actually an effortlessly hilarious host.
What was Doja Cat – in that nipple peek-a-boo, that monstrosity on her forehead – thinking?
A star-studded musical medley began with the delicious Dua Lipa, dressed like a dominatrix Peloton instructor, dancing in the middle of a bondage jungle gym (yes, she can finally do it!) – a leather-clad appetizer for the even bigger night to come.
Then it was Mariah C's turn to put her assets to the test, strolling out of the fashion faux pas wilderness as a standing O and awarding a shocked and truly lion-coiffed Miley Cyrus with the gong for Best Pop Solo Performance.
It was Miley's first win (of two); first Swift nudge (of two); and second outfit (of four!).
Did she ride to the event on the hood of her car? Maybe Ed Sheeran rode shotgun; We're told he flew from Taiwan specifically to get there – probably didn't have time to shower.
Lizzo spoke of returning from the wilderness and marching out of the silence of rejection – obviously this girl is too big to fail.
The first emotional highlight of the evening – the musical equivalent of Elmo tweeting, “How is everyone?” – was a rousing “Fast Car” duet.
At first we only saw one hand playing those familiar chords – but when the crowd realized it was Tracy Chapman herself alongside Luke Combs, that was it.
If Tracy had been the only bombshell from the past, that would have been more than enough – but we were stuffed with Billy Joel, Annie “Ceasefire” Lennox (more on her later), Stevie Wonder with the holographic Tony Bennett from beyond the grave, Joni Mithcell, Celine Dion!
The headscarf-wearing and pseudo-modest Billie Eilish won Song of the Year alongside her crafty brother Finneas for their beautiful Barbie song “What Was I Made For.”
Finneas and Ferb more than deserved it, and why Billie felt the need to insist – now on her eighth Grammy – “I shouldn't be here” came across as a little… graphic.
A star-studded musical medley began with the delicious Dua Lipa, dressed like a dominatrix Peloton instructor, dancing in the middle of a bondage jungle gym (yes, she can finally do it!) – a leather-clad appetizer for the even bigger night to come .
Then it was Mariah C's turn to show off her skills, strolling into a standing O, out of the wilderness of fashion faux pas, and awarding the shocked and truly lion-coiffed Miley Cyrus her gong for Best Pop Solo Performance.
I really enjoyed Best New Artist winner Victoria Monet's speech, in which she began by thanking the real champions of the evening: the champagne waiters, who had apparently spent much of their time circling Taylor's table ( Was it a nudge from Celine on stage? Was it the tequila). ?).
Despite the blisters, Taylor – whose night was appropriately historic – knew every lyric to every song and enjoyed a karaoke concert… and even sang along to Olivia Rodrigo's “Vampire,” which may or may not have been about her – and who may or may not have been about not Have fun plundering Swift's songbook.
Hey, what does Taylor care? She has a Super Bowl commitment, her new album and probably the White House in her sights.
The ailing Celine's surprise appearance to present Taylor with the Album of the Year award was the lipstick icing on the sweetest cake.
“Those who were fortunate enough to be at the Grammy Awards should never take it for granted,” Celine said. “The tremendous love and joy that music brings to people around the world.”
I'm not crying ugly – it's you! We really don't deserve them.
It was a disgrace that Lennox decided to hijack the In Memoriam segment with her pro-Palestinian “Artists for Truce, Peace in the World” stunt.
Actually, we shouldn't expect anything more dignified from this tired stream.
Lizzo spoke of returning from the wilderness and marching out of the silence of rejection – obviously this girl is too big to fail.
Further thanks should be sent to:
Oprah, who gave Ozempic the “O” and paid a touching tribute to Tina Turner – although she couldn't help but remind viewers that she considered the late icon a “friend.”
And Chrissy Teigen's cosmetic dermatologist. Did Chrissy enjoy the night or hate it? Impossible to know – but it was the perfect poker face when Jay-Z won the GOAT (Gross, Obnoxious And Truculent) award, taking a swipe at the nominees (“some of you don't deserve to be in this category “). and he attacked the recording academy for not awarding a 33rd Grammy to the woman he cheated on.
We all could have done without Travis Scott's unnecessary chair getting smashed. And yes, at almost four hours the night was half too long.
But despite all the terrible ups and downs we've been through in politics and culture lately – and even though there wasn't a champagne serving set on my couch – the Grammys were a refreshing shot of steamy star power. Waiter, I want what Taylor's got!