Having a child can come with some complications, but achieving it is even more complicated for people who are part of the LGBTQ2S+ community. Despite everything, many people manage to achieve their dream of starting a family, such as Pierre-Luc Delisle, a Quebec entrepreneur who, thanks to a mother carrier, became the single parent of a little girl named Jadore, born in August 2021.
You should know that the law allows you to use a surrogate, but it is illegal to pay her and the agreement made with her has no legal value. So she can choose to keep the baby, just as the plaintiffs can choose not to have the child at any time. Note, however, that if the applicant’s sperm is used, he is the father of the child with all the rights and obligations incumbent on him.
Pierre-Luc Delisle indulged in narcity throughout his journey, and the least we can say is that he was riddled with several pitfalls.
When and why did you decide to become a single father?
“I worked very hard in my early twenties. […] I worked like never before, then I achieved my professional goals, which I really enjoy. I managed to start my agency called Delisoft. At first I always wanted to have children, then I got into work because I loved my job, but my main goal in life was to make money. […] I started, I would say around the age of 26-27, and I told myself that if this was going to be my life, I wouldn’t be happy, it wouldn’t be enough. […] My friends started having kids, then I started realizing, seeing happiness differently, seeing life from a different angle. […]
“You also know that when you’re gay and a single man, telling yourself you want a family is another challenge. […] At some point I said to myself: “I’ll do that”. […] I got to an age where I analyzed my mother’s life, I analyzed her happiness, then I said to myself that my mother, she had four children, she calls us, she sees us, she is full of happiness. I began to convince myself that my mother had set a goal, that she was successful in life because she has four healthy children who she loves and has a good relationship with. […] That’s why I decided to embark on this adventure. »
How did your loved ones react when you told them you wanted to be a single parent?
“When I made the decision, I’d been in a relationship for about eight years, with almost my first real boyfriend. […] I always told him I wanted children, he always said he didn’t want any, but he never went further. He was ten years older than me, so I think he told himself that wasn’t going to happen because it’s too difficult to have kids when you’re with two boys. Even when I started the process and told him I would do it, he later revealed to me that he didn’t think I would make it, so he decided to stay and move on. Then when she got pregnant, he told himself I’m definitely going to lose him and it wouldn’t work out, so he stayed. Basically, from the start he nurtured the wish that it wouldn’t work out so as not to lose me. […] Today we are still very good friends but the reason we are no longer together is because I wanted a child.
” […] He left a weekend ago, then I waited for him. It was Saint-Jean, I expected it. He told me that he was coming with fireworks and everything, made me wait for him with my friends, then at some point I called him and said “it’s when are you coming? It’s been a long time”, then I have that in his voice felt He had a funny answer. It was weird, then he told me he wasn’t coming, then he was leaving me, he was going away, etc. I got in my car there and drove home because I thought it was weird. When I returned two months before the baby was born, all the furniture in the apartment was gone and there was nothing left. […] I had to buy everything because in less than two months I welcomed a child there and even had no bed. »
” […] I knew it could end badly, but it was always on my mind, MY child. […] In my head it was always “this will be my daughter”, then he would be there as a co-parent or as a stepfather because he didn’t want to commit himself. He never wanted to sign the birth certificate as the second father anyway. It was my project. […] »
“It’s not that people didn’t support me, everyone was there, everyone was excited, she’s the first child in my family. So my parents, everyone was excited. […] When I made the announcement, the worry was always, ‘Is this kid really going to come into my arms? Will the surrogate change her mind? Everyone will have expectations and then get excited, then after all I wouldn’t have the child? “The stress of the surrogate leaving with the child was there for my parents from start to finish.
” […] It really seems like the day I had the baby in my arms was when people started getting excited and excited and excited. Everyone had a hard time believing that, a surrogate mother who is going to carry your child and that she is going to give it to you. Even today it is not a reality that people see so easily, so easily at that time. »
delisoft.de | decency
What are the steps to take to find a surrogate? It’s hard?
“The procedures are so different because actually in Quebec it’s not legal to hire a surrogate, she has to do it as a gift, you can’t be a surrogate and then get paid for it, it’s illegal. Surrogacy contracts are inherently illegal. So you have to really trust the person. Of course, we still made a contract, then it was stipulated above all that the chosen place of residence for this child should always be in Longueuil, then it should grow up and develop in Longueuil, then, if there is a conflict, she should still be in Longueuil would go to school, then these applications are legal.
” […] I was lucky because the surrogate I found, who is really nice, she, she was from Lac Saint-Jean, she already had three children, inevitably the clause I put on her meant that the child go would grow up in Longueuil, well we agree she would have had to leave her whole family if she wanted to keep him.
“It was basically like a friend on the internet, then she said, ‘I’ll do it, I’ll do you a favor, I’ll do it.’ […] One thing led to another, we talked about the project and it happened naturally, then instinctively. I think that’s what it takes, you have to find someone you trust, someone you get along with […] because after that you have to answer to a child.
” […] She was in a band [Facebook] Surrogate mother, she already asked about it, then I joined the group and saw that I had a mutual friend who knew her. So I started talking to him and one thing led to another, well, that’s how it ended. »
How long did the whole process take before you were able to get to know your child?
“I decided I wanted to do this, I spoke to her, then she said I’ll carry it to you, then I honestly wasn’t ready, it was COVID-19, but on the band I was almost see five ads a day from people desperate to become parents and recruiting people. I saw people, it was three years, five years ago, that they asked, that they searched, then that they didn’t find an answer and still didn’t have a child. When she told me, on a whim, I’ll bring it to you, I thought to myself, “Oh my god, maybe it’s now or never”. […] So when she said that to me, I said “well, let’s go”.
“In less than three months she was pregnant. It worked the first time we tried it. She came to our house with her children, to our house with her boyfriend […] then we laughed and made it at home. We had made the contracts, everything was signed. Did it herself at home, she inseminated herself, then we laughed because she was lying upside down in bed, legs up because she said it supposedly increases the chances of fertilization of the egg, then we watched a film in the living room upstairs laughing the same way, then she actually got pregnant. Nine months later I had a child. »
How much did you spend to have your child?
“You have no right to pay them in Quebec [NDLR: la mère porteuse], but you can cover all his expenses. You can give him gifts, you can do that, but you don’t have the right to give him a salary. Lawyer contracts cost about ten or fifteen thousand, of course. We gave birth in Ontario because it’s a lot easier legally, so of course you have to budget for the hotel, the accommodation, the month before the birth. It is certain that you can pay for a surrogate elsewhere in the world, but it is currently illegal in Quebec. »
delisoft.de | decency
Is your child still in contact with her?
“They see each other two or three times a year, then I often talk to her. She takes messages, I send her photos, […] but i will tell him the story dad he wanted a child more than anything in the world then there is a lady named valérie who agreed to be his cottage for nine months so she can come into the world and have life. That when she was born, dad was very happy to have his little girl and that he will always thank Valérie for wanting to be his home for nine months. […] We, at the moment, their children, I was introduced as an uncle, so we will say that my daughter Jadore is their children’s cousin.
“At one point her kids said at school that their mother was pregnant with her uncle, so with little complication she had appointments with teachers (laughs). I introduce her as her cousin I think it’s a healthy thing for him to understand yes she is family but they don’t live with them they are not siblings but that yes they have a connection. »
How do you cope with your everyday life as a single parent? Is it difficult to do everything alone?
“When she was born I didn’t take maternity leave because I had to mind my business because my clients, my co-workers, my work family, couldn’t have for nine months. The little one was in the office, at work, in her bed from day one. […] She was in my office every day until daycare. The staff they came to see her when I was on a date they came to give her her bottle when I was in trouble it was quite a strange adventure.
“You can’t bring a child into the world alone, then it’s a challenge. Normally people are two parents, we’ve always known that, that’s the norm. Me, my daughter, she only has one father, then she doesn’t have a mother as such, but I mean, she has people who are there for her. She has a grandmother and a grandfather, she has uncles, aunts, she has everyone at Delisoft, in my agency, all the people who are there, I love them very much. Every member of my team has been as there for my daughter as they are for me when she is around. Then my daughter, she has a godmother, then a godfather, then she has a godfather, makes sure she has two more women in her life to take care of her [….] They helped me in the beginning when it was difficult when she was sick […] Yes, I’m alone, but I’m not that alone.
” […] I don’t think it’s healthy for one person to represent everything. I had already thought about this stage where she would trust people who would be very close to her in return. […] She has other attachments, then internally she will cultivate her independence, her dependence on good people that I will have chosen. […] I had already coordinated a world where it would be fulfilled.
“I also met someone in my story, so today she has a stepfather who already has two children […] then he really loves her like his daughter, he takes care of her and he helps me. »
delisoft.de | decency
How do people react when you explain to them that you are a single parent?
“Honestly it’s always case by case, people have some barrier now to remain respectful, but if I gather at a party or at a party where there’s a lot of people, a lot of parents, a lot of people, if each other someone trusts To ask me the question, all people magically gather around me. […] Because it’s not the norm, it doesn’t happen often. The oldest people, people in their forties, fifties who have experienced a very different reality, [c’est] those who want to hear me speak and want to know why. There are also some who have brothers, sisters who are LGBTQ gay, who know they would have liked to have had a life like mine, who have met with people who haven’t had that experience, who think it’s wonderful that it happened and they want to hear my story. There are people who sometimes go against their values, against their default attitude that he must have a man and a woman.
“What I hope most is that my daughter’s parents will never ask that question when she gets old, especially when she’s three, four, six years old, you don’t want a kid to be told it’s not like the other is asking the same questions, you don’t want her to feel any different. […]
“There are so many people with bad backgrounds, people getting divorced, bad couples, bad stories, parents fighting or doing drugs, the kid is on the corner. I am not ashamed to have had my daughter all alone because everyone who is in her life loves her, then everyone who has been there, it was built in a world of happiness, then fulfillment for her. »
You mentioned outside of this interview that you want to write a book, what will it be and what are your other future projects?
“The story of having a surrogate mother, all of that, I’m going to cover it because I’m often asked[…] but I think it’s something that will eventually become mainstream. […] Above all, I want to show that today it really is the top priority to start a family, if you want it, then with happiness. We have to bring children into the world in a context in which we want them, that they feel comfortable, desired. […] Whether you are two men, women or one woman, it doesn’t matter if you give birth to happy children who have all the necessary resources, childcare, money, love, that is the real priority. […] That’s what I want to cover in my case. I really want to show that the norm was a man and a woman having children, but the norm should have just been families loving each other, couples being happy and raising their children happily.
” […] my contract [avec la mère porteuse], really, I’ll explain everything. I will show, I will tell everything in the book. What to do to protect yourself? What to do to make sure you have your child etc. All the legal fees I paid I know like the back of my hand. I managed this facility the way I manage all my projects and my business, I thought of all the details, I analyzed everything. I know how it works, I know the benefits of having a birth in Quebec, having a birth in Ontario and having an international birth. I’ll summarize everything so people know what the best situation is for them. I want it to be like a resource for that too.
“It’s not just about gay, lesbian and surrogate mothers, it’s just that families are different today, they’re not what they were anymore, then multicultural, multiethnic parents, that needs to take more space and into my society if I pay special attention I let more files pass. »
Note that when writing our articles, inclusive writing is used. Visit the Government of Canada website for more information on this topic.