A top New York City lawyer has shared how he juggles a complicated home life with a millionaire screenwriter – while caring for his Alzheimer's-stricken wife at home.
Townsend Davis, 60, said in a heartfelt op-ed for The New York Times that eight years after his wife Bridget, an arts manager, was diagnosed, he is still struggling to cope with his reality.
With two sons, then aged 11 and 13, Bridget, then 51, pleaded with him to “please find someone else”, which led to him having a whirlwind romance with Emily in Paris writer Deborah Copaken, 57 , started.
Townsend shared her story to help others live their own lives while caring for a sick loved one, saying after he and his new lover enjoyed their first Thanksgiving with his wife and children, she was always still left with an amusing reaction.
“I can’t help but feel like an intruder.”
Top lawyer Townsend Davis gave his screenwriter girlfriend Deborah Copaken (pictured together) a candid insight into his life while his wife lives at home
Townsend's wife Bridget (right) was diagnosed with Alzheimer's disease eight years ago, which dramatically turned their lives upside down
Townsend said his wife's decline came quickly because she was a respected, high-ranking art manager at the Whitney Museum and the Museum of Modern Art.
As a successful woman, Bridget had refused to accept that her initial symptoms were serious and waited until she made dangerous mistakes before seeking help.
This included running stop signs, burning pots and even forgetting to show up to her own 50th birthday dinner.
But after her condition worsened, she found it hard to agree to his new relationship, leaving him in limbo with all he had to do was turn away from her early insistence that he find a new partner.
Townsend admitted that when he told his wife about Deborah and she said it was a “good idea,” he was sure she didn't understand what he was talking about.
Recalling how he slowly started dating his wife again at home, the father-of-two said he initially put it off for years because he was sure he would be wracked with guilt once he met someone else.
It took six years for him to even broach the subject, until he was set up on a day of surfing in Montauk by a mutual friend who feared he was lonely and Deborah lacked company after her divorce.
At that first meeting, he told the author bluntly, “It's okay for me to never get married again and to get different things from different people.”
At the time, he claimed that dating was out of the question. The duo then met up for bike rides and movies, all out of friendship rather than romance.
“After a few months, I began to ask myself, 'What exactly am I waiting for?'” he wrote.
“If for some reason it didn’t work out, I’d be back to square one: married but practically alone.”
Bridget had been a senior arts manager before her diagnosis, but realized something was wrong when she started running stop signs, burning pots and even forgetting to show up to her own 50th birthday dinner
However, after taking a leap of faith that he likened to jumping into a freezing ocean, Townsend said he kissed Deborah on a Friday night and “suddenly my life took on a new dimension.”
“Our romance did so many things at once,” he wrote.
“Help me regain hope, process loss, rediscover wonder and remember what it was like to be in a mutual relationship.”
The new romance has blown him away as he had previously looked after Bridget with the help of a carer and moved into a separate part of the house when her condition continued to deteriorate.
After years without his wife's usual helpfulness – which, before her diagnosis, led her to organize the budgets of the Museum of Modern Art and the Whitney Museum using Excel spreadsheets – he has been blown away by his new lover's attention.
“The first time she made me dinner, I practically fell out of my chair with gratitude.”
Although they felt some apprehension, they celebrated their first Thanksgiving as a couple with his family last year, hoping that it would have been like any other when his family gathered for their traditional meal.
“Turkey, potatoes, cranberry sauce, gravy and a mixture of mashed yams and mini marshmallows that we affectionately call “Glop,” he wrote.
But while others piled up their plates, Deborah sat with a tear in her eye, which he attributed to the fact that his wife barely recognized her own son just before dinner.
Townsend was spotted with his new girlfriend on a fundraising walk for his wife in Central Park
Despite feelings of guilt and confusion about his wife at home, Townsend said his relationship with Deborah “helped me regain hope, process loss, rediscover wonder and remember what it was like to be in a mutual relationship.”
Deborah was married for 25 years until she divorced in 2018, and her three children were celebrating with her ex-husband a few miles away.
But as the meal came to an end and they drove to her luxurious $2.9 million Brooklyn apartment, she revealed what had actually been troubling her.
“This is her vacation in her home and I'm taking her place, but she's still here,” she said.
“I know it's irrational, but I think she needs to feel this shift.”
The problem often arises when a loved one suffers from Alzheimer's, as Townsend had no intention of divorcing his wife or stopping caring for her, even though she barely knew who he was.
For others in a similar situation, Townsend's comments shared aspects that made Deborah the ideal partner to navigate the complex situation, as she gave him space to be with his wife without jealousy.
Although it was no longer possible to obtain his wife's permission, the couple still faced the daunting prospect of introducing their families into their romance.
He admitted that their two children were “understandably hesitant” to accept him until he proved he was serious, while his children were more open to the idea.
“My kids seemed grateful to have a woman in their life who understood the benefits of a mattress topper on a college bed,” he quipped.
The lawyer said he is happier than ever with his new relationship
He added that the crucial moment for the beginning of their relationship came when his wife's parents, understanding his predicament, gave him their blessing to continue seeing Deborah.
His wife's mother was even more candid as he recalled her declaring it was “time” to find someone else.