Aparna Nancherla is different from what you expect from most comedians. You might expect her to be the loudest person in the room, someone always looking for a laugh, but instead Nancherla is quiet, sensitive and, above all, very centered, but also funny in a way that surprises you. Not at all the fraudster she calls herself in her new memoir, “Unreliable Narrator.”
However, the “Bojack Horseman” actress’ experiences as a comedian of color with anxiety and depression feature heavily throughout the memoir. Nancherla explained on a recent “Salon Talks” that she discovered comedy as an outlet when she realized her predominantly white upbringing in Virginia was detrimental to her mental health. She began to use her difficulties and all her experience in writing comedy and as a stand-up comedian: “When I discovered comedy and became more creative, it actually felt like a kind of relief, really dealing with all the things things I’ve been struggling with.”
One of the few mainstream comics by women of color, Nancherla’s journey into the deepest fears, failures and successes of her life and brain gives a glimpse into what it means to strive for and achieve success in a predominantly white field one continues to feel like a fraud or fraud. A fate that most non-white people feel and find difficult to articulate in the working world, but of course Nancherla does it wonderfully and humorously – she is a comedy writer, after all. Above all, she reassures us and herself in this memoir by telling us that “we are often stuck in the middle or in between.” [of life]“And even at the height of our successes, we can falter. Nancherla wants us to know that as long as we get through it with humor and self-confidence, we’ll be okay – just like she did.
This conversation has been edited and condensed for clarity.
What does Impostor syndrome mean to you?
When I wrote the book, I looked it up like a responsible author, and to me, imposter syndrome, and I think it kind of fits the definition, just means a persistent feeling of self-doubt and betrayal about your accomplishments or the abilities that are attributed to you . I think it’s just the feeling that what other people expect of you never quite matches what you actually feel capable of. Every chance I’ve had, I just feel like there’s been a terrible mistake. I shouldn’t be here.
The book was just my attempt to grapple with that and ask, “Where does this come from?” Why might it have only gotten worse as my career has progressed?” It almost feels like the more success I’ve had, the worse my self-esteem has gotten. I wanted to deal with it somehow.
Why do you think it is so popular in the zeitgeist? It is a word that is very hip and very trendy.
“If I want to advance in my career, I really need to address this head-on.”
I don’t want to brag, but I feel like it’s something I’ve had long before it became popular to talk about. I think especially with social media, a lot of things have become more discussed, whether it’s conversations about mental health; Specifically, it’s about anxiety and depression, or just burnout, which I think comes up a lot these days, and then self-care, putting yourself first.
I think imposter syndrome in some ways falls into the messier human emotions that we haven’t always focused forward. They’re kind of happening in the background, and no one is really aware of what’s going on behind the scenes and how you’re presenting yourself. So I think social media has kind of turned the inside out because there’s no better way to put it.
When you look inward and really start to deconstruct what imposter syndrome is, where do you even start?
I literally started with my childhood and growing up as a child of immigrants – my parents were both doctors who immigrated from India – and just growing up in an upper middle class, predominantly white middle class suburb and feeling in In a sense, like an outsider. In the truest sense of the word, I don’t look like my colleagues, but I also feel like I’m culturally out of sync because I might not know the trends or how to dress cool. I find [I was] I always approach things with a bit of an outsider mentality. Furthermore, the fact that I am a fairly shy, introverted and anxious child has added another layer: perhaps I constantly feel like a fish out of water, be it in my South Asian community or in my more white mixed community.
I would say the same thing as someone who grew up in a predominantly white space. As a woman of color, navigating these spaces can be incredibly difficult. Could you please elaborate on how it made you feel and how it made you feel like a fish out of water?
My parents were immigrants, and as a first-generation kid, the mentality from when I was growing up in the ’80s and early ’90s was all about sheer assimilation and the desire to fit in, not to make a fuss, but to make one’s own have identity, but don’t stand out too much. As harmful as it may be, the model minority stereotype: “I’ll do everything right. I’m going to have a great resume and go to a good school.” I think I’ve always worked so hard to fit into that mold that I didn’t really pay attention to what was going on inside me, or suppressed it in a way have. It was like I started doing comedy and became more creative. It felt like a kind of relief to be able to star with maybe all the things that I was struggling with and just put it all out there and say, ‘This is what’s going on inside.”
I know sometimes people say, “Oh, is it scary to talk about it?” But honestly, at the beginning of my life, it felt scarier to not talk about it, to keep it all to yourself, and then one having to put on a false facade. It somehow feels easier to say, “No matter what you think about me now, you also know what’s going on inside you.” That feels more honest.
You really get to the point of a very personal story about you Fear And depression. Why would you want this to be the focus of a book like this or your stand-up?
“I think we need to remember that posting an anxiety meme is not the same as getting therapy.”
Both when I talked about anxiety and depression in my stand-up and when I wrote this book, both came from very acute struggles with these things in my real life. When I first started talking about my stand-up, I was having a lot of trouble with performance anxiety and getting on stage, and then depression set in because I wasn’t able to perform as easily as I would like to would have.
The same applies to this book. I had had some success professionally, and I feel like the self-doubt just got worse, and it was kind of like, “Oh, when I get to this point in my career or when I achieve this goal, I will …”I’ve got it all figured out and it will have been worth the effort.” But if anything, I felt even more confused and confused. Actually, the book was kind of my attempt to get into it and ask, “Why is this happening?” If I want to move forward in my career, I really need to address this head-on.
Absolutely, and I feel like some of what you mentioned stems from that Late capitalism, which you talk about in your book. Do you think this makes it more and more difficult to talk about mental health?
I think it just leads to a lot more confusion around authenticity because once authenticity becomes a buzzword or a brand, then what is real authenticity compared to authenticity that appears on your social media? I think this gets really messy, and for me I’ve had to draw a line between talking about mental health or messier things like body image or self-doubt in my work as a creative and as a writer and my experience of it in my real life, which is something completely different is. Not that they aren’t connected, of course I write about what I experience, but I might make a joke about the fear on stage, but that’s not my thing and the sophisticated performance of it doesn’t necessarily reflect mine Reality versus life and I may still be struggling with this in a very real way, even right before I get on stage. I just need to keep them separate. I think we need to remember that posting an anxiety meme is not the same as therapy.
Do you feel like you can get into the intricacies of the larger conversations around mental health in this way?
Yes. I think that’s partly why I wrote a book, simply because when you’re doing stand-up you’re limited in how you can get your point across. You have to be energetic about it, and you have to be kind of smart and a little bit distant. I felt like with a book I could get messier and get into the nuances, which might not always lead to a clear resolution.
This chapter is specifically about your “mistake resume.” They also talk about how failure is inherently anti-capitalist and anti-American. Why do you feel this way?
I just feel like there are so many messages around winning, and every fight is always phrased like, “This has happened before, and now I’ve figured it out,” or like, “Now look at me. I’m so successful.” There’s never a discussion about: “I did everything right and I’m still having a hard time” or “I’m still stuck and don’t know what to do.” I just have feeling like that’s more of the truth about what it means to live a human life, we’re often stuck in the middle or in the middle, or even for me, when I was successful, that was the time when I struggled the most mentally. It’s important to talk more openly about the fact that having a human brain is very complex and that we don’t always win and succeed, but are always on the path to victory and success.
Right. Sometimes it’s okay to be the loser who fails.
Yes, and I also feel like as a woman of color there is so much emphasis on being exceptional.
Right.
Where it’s like you have to stand out to get noticed, to get these opportunities, and I just feel like true equality is accepting mediocrity.
It’s exhausting to always have to be perfect and have everything together. It feels like a performance. Would you say that?
Yes / Yes. I think it’s exhausting, and I think it splits your self-image into what other people see and what your life and you as a person actually are, and I think it’s important to be able to , to have a reasonably coherent sense of self, especially in a world that is so confusing and problematic in many ways.
Yes, of course. And what do you think is your favorite mistake on the list?
My favorite mistake? I can’t choose a favorite. I think one of my first attempts early on was to sell knives door-to-door, and that wasn’t my path. It wasn’t my path. The fact that there was a point in my life where I thought, “This is going to be my calling, just selling cutlery door to door.”
I laughed when I read about someone cutting their finger, right?
Yes. It was so sad. You should try to sell a complete set and all I could do was sell, I had two individual knives and sold both to my dad’s colleagues and one of them cut his hand really badly on one of them and they do that Surgeon, so it wasn’t good.
In one of my other favorite essays in the book, you talk about beauty and the beauty politics surrounding your identity and just the different stages of self-perception throughout your childhood. Do you feel like women of color have had to conform to this standard of beauty and idealism to really just be this person and be someone that everyone sees as this perfect person?
Yes. I really believe that in that sense, representation or what you’re surrounded by gives a real sense of what’s beautiful and what the standards are around you. Because again, I kind of grew up in a predominantly white culture, and I think I really internalized those beauty standards.
“Every opportunity I’ve gotten, I just feel like there’s been a terrible mistake.”
I remember going to a pretty white college, and it was in New England, and I remember one of my roommates freshman year, she had moved here from New York City, which is a pretty diverse, pretty big melting pot. I remember her saying, “This is the first time in my life that I feel ugly walking around this campus.” So that kind of changed, like, “Oh, not everyone feels like that growing up felt.” It is, so to speak, what is reflected around you. So I’m hoping that it looks like there’s more of a wave of body positivity among the younger generations. I mean, I know Instagram can be just as harmful for body messaging, but I hope that there is overall healthier and more balanced messaging around body image, just in terms of representation.
Yes absolutely. I feel like capitalism shapes the way we see ourselves because we are sold an idea. Would you say that this is an unachievable idea?
Yes. I mean, I think, as always, if you keep investing in products and the market, you’ll never quite get there. If a product is ever invented where you say, “And that’s it, you don’t have to do anything after that,” I feel like capitalism has failed. I think part of it is climbing the ladder.
Yes absolutely. As you continue to talk about mental health in this book, you describe yourself as a high-functioning depressed person. What coping mechanisms have you found?
As a self-employed creative, I have many privileges. I feel like I can take a lot of time and space for myself, which not everyone can do, be it for professional reasons or financial reasons. I would advise [people] Just try to find a way to create that space for yourself in any way you can, whether it’s taking a break or taking a walk when you need it. I think simple things like fresh air and drinking enough water sound like very superficial answers, but they really make a big difference. I feel like sometimes they’re the first things to go when you’re stressed and think, “Water isn’t helping me.” Everything’s on fire.” But then you have some water and you’re like, “Okay, I feel a little better because everything’s on fire.”
Would you say that getting into comedy has helped ease that kind of depression and anxiety, or is it something that sometimes increases it?
“Comedy is a way for me to broadcast my brain to the rest of the world.”
I think it can go either way. I think the good thing about comedy for me is that I live very much in my head and can get caught up in my own negative messages, but for me comedy is a way of broadcasting my brain to the rest of the world, so to speak. When I see other people identify with this, it takes me out of my head and I think, “Oh, wait, other people are going through the exact same experience, and I just forgot about it because I was so lost in mine.” own thoughts. So that’s the good side.
The bad side is sometimes when you stand up, it’s like you’re constantly on trial about the audience’s opinion of you or the way you’re perceived at any given time. You don’t always have control over that. It’s that you’re constantly under greater scrutiny, more so than perhaps another profession.
You’ve written for stand-up gigs and now you’ve written a book. How do the experiences differ?
It was a challenge to write the book because I think you get immediate feedback when you stand. I was a big fan of Twitter for a few years, and you get even more immediate feedback there. In writing the book I definitely trained a new skill of just being alone a lot more, just sitting with things and saying, “Is this good? I don’t know it. I kind of need someone else’s opinion.” I think it was a new achievement for me. We’ll see how I did it. It was my first book, so we’ll see.
What lies ahead for you after this book? What do you think is the next step for you after writing this great memoir?
I’m doing some stand-up tour dates around promoting the book. With writers and actors striking, who knows what’s next? I set up an hour of standing time and now that I’ve spent the entire time in a cave writing a book, I’m sort of ready to emerge and write in front of people again for a while.
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