Vanderpump Rules
Divorce party crasher
Season 10 Episode 6
Editor’s Rating 5 Stars *****
Photo: Vulture; Photo: Bravo
On Seinfeld we watched a film called Rochelle, Rochelle, a young girl’s strange, erotic journey from Milan to Minsk. At Vanderpump Rules we have an episode called Raquel, Raquel, but it’s a young girl’s strange, erotic journey from Las Vegas to Lake Havasu, and I feel like we’ve been betrayed.
Yes, this episode focused on Raquel and her exploits, and it’s a bit difficult to judge exactly what’s happening because the #scandoval of it all really warps your perception, like you’re looking out of those fly-eyed things where you buy 25 tickets Chuck E. Cheese would win. If we just watched this episode without knowing what we know now, many of us would be on Raquel’s side. But now that we know that the whole time she was probably sleeping with Tom Sandoval behind everyone’s back, well I have to take everything I say because, girl, you did something wrong.
Also, before I get into another fight in the comments on this (sorry everyone!), I have it from very good sources that none of the banned episodes have been re-edited for this season, and that includes last week’s and this one Week in they’re spouting conspiracy theories about how they altered this episode to make Raquel look bad. To paraphrase the immortal words of Garcelle Beauvais, the editors didn’t have to make them look bad; she could do it all by herself.
The episode opens with Raquel shattered from her night at Vanderpump á Paris and (groaning) Discopussy where she made out with Oliver Beauvais (not her real name). Back in the suite, Raquel is so pissed that she microwaves her whole tub of combined leftovers at once and says a little prayer to Lisa Vanderpump, thanking her not only for the mac ‘n’ cheese balls but for hers as well Job, her apartment, her life and her little nugget of fame that she got herself like a squirrel that brought a used condom back to its tree thinking it was a nut. (It was just, um, in a different way.)
Sitting on the bed with Katie, Lala and Kristina Kelly (both names always!) they make fun of how messy Raquel is and also remark that she only seems interested in taken guys. Katie Maloney Schwartz Maloney says: “I’m starting to see a pattern in Raquel. She’s only interested in men who either her friends are married to or are interested in, and that’s a big red flag for me.” Well, you should have shared that red flag with Ariana, missy. As the conversation continues, Lala says that after a few drinks, she wouldn’t trust Raquel her husband anymore.
This is where things really turn. Raquel says: “Thank God you don’t have a man around you.” Aaaaaaaa and that’s it. I’m dead. On the floor laughing, crawling, cheering and “Oh boy”-ing. What Raquel said was clearly mean and rude, but I think it had more to do with her being drunk. I think what she was trying to say was, “Well, you don’t have a husband, why are we even bothering about it?” It also has something to do with the tone. I feel like if a friend of mine had said the same thing to me, I would have responded with, “Well girl, good thing you don’t have a husband” with a bit more gaccent (that’s a gay accent) and we all would have cackled and laughed and one person would have snapped their fingers in the air and it would have been all over.
To Lala’s credit, she handles it as elegantly as possible, saying, “I’m going to end this. Raquel has been drinking; it is 3 a.m.; I’m going to bed.” Yes. Just crush it now and take care of it in the morning. Of course, as Raquel leaves the room, the new witches of WeHo start stirring their cauldron and making fun of Raquel who is sneaks back in and listens. Why? Maybe she really wants to be friends with these girls; maybe she wants to see if they talk shit. I don’t know. I don’t think I’ve read Raquel enough at all. Anyway, her feelings are injured.
In the morning, she says she can’t remember anything that happened in the suite, but she remembers saying something offensive to Lala, but she can’t remember what. Of course, when they tell her, she feels bad. Lala says in the confessional: “What she showed on that bed was appalling.” Really? “Horrible?” My BS (Before Scandoval) interpretation is, yes, it wasn’t nice, but James Kennedy complimenting him sounds a lot more asshole than Raquel does here. This is just average behavior for this class of reality star. My take on AS (After Scandoval) is, okay, yes, she’s horrible and sleeps with any man.
Lala then asks her, “Do you really feel that way? ‘Well, if you can’t keep a man, am I here?’” Okay, I love Lala, but she might just be the worst person on Bravo. Raquel didn’t say that at all. Raquel didn’t say she would cheat with someone else’s man; She made fun of Lala for not having a husband. Those are two different things. But then Lala points out that if you could cheat with a man in a relationship, you’re not for her. Well, guess who isn’t for her then!
In the car on the drive to Lake Havasu, an artificial lake named after the Inca word for “trashy,” Kristina Kelly asks Raquel how her breakup with James was, and we’re rewarded with telling her of one of the deepest Points from James tells when he freaked out her family over Thanksgiving. That’s when she gets her Tennessee Williams moment. “People literally asked me, ‘Raquel, who are you?’ And do you know what my answer is? ‘I don’t know.’” Yes, welcome to the world, my sweet little cherub. None of us know who we are. It’s always changing. One day you’re Lauren from Utah hanging out in a lake; The next day, you’re going from apartment to mansion and back as Lala, stopping at a Los Angeles Times synopsis of your baby daddy. None of us know who we are – no reason to have a hangover-induced panic attack over it.
When they arrive in Havasu, Charli shows up fresh off a shift from SUR, her hair still smelling of goat cheese balls and 13 percent tips from tourists. Everyone barely dresses and heads to Martini Bay, a restaurant that puts chocolate syrup on the inside of its grasshopper martini glasses because we, as Vanderpump Rules fans, haven’t had enough exposure lately. I poke fun at the restaurant, but the five women fight there might be one of my all-time favorites on Bravo. Why? Because they are all wrong. We mispronounce “Dewey defeats Truman”. We’re talking about announcing La La Land – instead of – Moonlight, wrong. We’re talking about mispicking Reuban Studdard versus Clay Aiken (#Claymates4Life).
When Charli asks if they’ve met hosts or waiters in Paris, a question that comes straight through her headset, they begin to tell Oliver’s story. Here Lala starts again with Raquel’s comment offended all women in the world. She says when she heard it she was personally offended for everyone in a relationship. Yes, that’s because Lala doesn’t know what Raquel meant. She thinks that Raquel wants to bang other girls’ boyfriends, which turns out to be true, but at the time we didn’t know it was like that. And even if that’s what Raquel wants to do, she still hasn’t said it.
So, no, Raquel wasn’t offensive to all women everywhere. She only made fun of Lala, someone who has been mean to her more often than nice in the past. She wasn’t a “burden” the night before either. She was just drunk and an idiot. If that’s a “liability,” then Lala is the only asset on this entire show, and the whole thing is so indebted that, like Pump, he’s had his liquor license suspended and is probably closed forever.
Raquel is fed up and finally decides to stand up for herself. She tells Lala, “I shouldn’t trust you around my husband.” When Lala asks why, she replies, “Because you slept with my husband!” Well, yes, Lala actually did what Raquel ( at this time) was only accused. Right now I’m giving Raquel the point because Lala banged James Kennedy drunk when she knew he was dating Raquel and she was dating Randall. She has Lala dead right. (Well, for now.)
Lala tells her, “You’ve got to get over it, baby. That was six years ago.” Yes, but Raquel just found out. She hasn’t had time to get over it yet. Lala makes a good point; What Raquel did was in the recent past, while what Lala did is ancient history in her mind at this point. Since then, she has sobered up and improved as a person. But just because Lala got over it doesn’t mean Raquel has had the time to process it. Just because Lala wants to get over her bad behavior doesn’t mean everyone else has to, especially when she hasn’t made up for hurting people while drinking.
Keep in mind that everyone is wrong so far: Charli is wrong because Raquel “stands up for herself” by being mean to Lala, Raquel is wrong because she accuses Lala of sleeping with a married guy while she is actively did it herself, and Lala is wrong about what Raquel said and not being a hypocrite wasn’t enough, then it’s time for Katie Maloney to be wrong once again. When Raquel brings up the old shit about Lala sleeping with a married guy, Katie tells her, “You tried to make out with a guy who’s still married.”
Lala and Katie are right: Raquel doesn’t get credit for not making out with Schwartz since he was the one who made that decision, but Katie can’t get on her high horse and say, ‘I’m still with him married.” Girl, you’re at a divorce party. You hit on a guy last night and you’ve already banged a few guys. I do not care. Fuck the whole Inland Empire, as far as I care. I just don’t want Katie taking advantage of the fact that Tom is still married when it suits her, when she knows for sure that they can both move on and date whoever they want. Should Raquel have tried to kiss Schwartz? No way! But Katie’s justification for doing so is completely backwards.
They all get up and leave because they’re mad at Raquel, and Lala doesn’t like being called mistresses. She says Russell never had to answer for his actions, but she did. Do you know who gave her answer? Katie and her old crew of mean girls who kept it over their heads for decades. But now that Katie’s old friends have been kicked out for racism, Lala is stalking Raquel for doing exactly what she did. Lala only continues the system of abuse to blame the single women who sleep with married men. Yes, in hindsight, Raquel deserved all of this, but back then I think Lala knew Raquel had turned to the dark side.
What I really wanted to yell at at that table was that they are all awful and compromised. Raquel pulled that shit with Schwartz, she pulled that shit with Oliver, and we didn’t know she pulled Sandoval like it used to be Schwartz’s job. Lala slept with a married guy and bragged about it, and she slept with another girl’s boyfriend. Katie Maloney, well I don’t think she’s ever cheated, but ever since she began her career in the art and science of reality television a decade ago, she’s been a very specific shade of horror. All of their high horses have been murdered, mutilated, and turned into glue (or maybe that’s the secret ingredient in a goat cheese ball)? All this fuss about who’s right or who’s better is absolutely debatable because they’ve all made their homes in the dirt.
The next morning, Raquel goes downstairs and tells everyone that she doesn’t feel comfortable in the house and that she and Charli are leaving. You know what, this is the right thing. That’s the right approach. (The ultimate irony is that if Ariana had been on this journey to play between Raquel and everyone else’s peacemakers — much like she did for Lala when she was on the receiving end — I don’t think it would have gotten that far The problem is that Raquel then has to say, “We’re hanging out with Scheana and Schwartz at MondriAaAaAaAaaaaaaannnnnnnnnn.” And that’s exactly what they do. They drive back to WeHo to gather at a hotel bar that my mom said was run down and overcrowded once at the hotel.
And now sides are being drawn between Team Katie and Team Tom, as Scheana said, only to be re-drawn just a few months later. And across town, Tom and Tom. What? Have I used up all my word count talking about Raquel? I guess you’ll have to post your own tom/tom slash fiction in the comments.
After that, there’s a cute scene where two straight women go through Tom Schwartz’s closet and tell him to throw out literally everything he owns and they’ll start over. That used to be the job of Carson Kressley and a couple of bravo gays, but now we’ve moved away from that and the straight guys are on their own. sorry ladies I know this is too much to bear.
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