1 of 4 We often say that we will never make the same mistake again, no matter how many times it happens to many of us in love Photo: Getty Images via BBC We often say that we will never make the same mistake again, no matter how hard it happens to many people who love us Photo: Getty Images via BBC
Even after a series of unsuccessful experiences, do you continue to date people with the same personality and even physical characteristics?
If the answer is “yes,” you may be a victim of “dating déjà vu,” a new concept that you may not be familiar with but is certainly familiar to you.
“Dating” is an English term used to describe romantic encounters; “déjà vu” comes from French and means “the feeling of having experienced something similar before”.
Professor Jessica Maxwell, a researcher and social psychologist at McMaster University in Ontario, Canada, says that “dating déjà vu” is based on the longheld assumption that “we all have a preferred type,” a theory that she says The topic is supported by many scientists, like herself.
“It’s true that some people tend to always date the same type of partner and are attracted to the same type of dating patterns,” she explains in an interview with BBC News Mundo, the BBC’s Spanishlanguage news service.
“It’s a phenomenon that’s familiar to relationship scientists, although we don’t necessarily use that term.”
Psychologist Leslie BeckerPhelps, author of the book “Insecure in Love,” explains that we generally talk about “dating déjà vu” when a person has problematic relationships repeated, but that doesn’t just mean negative experiences.
“Maybe you’ve fallen madly in love with someone and want to repeat that wholesome love story,” he adds.
The expert emphasizes that in psychology there are often patients who repeat patterns throughout their lives, which “is even more common” in the world of dating.
“We tend to look for and fall in love with people with similar characteristics because we are comfortable with what is familiar,” he continues.
2 of 4 According to BeckerPhelps, many people tend to fall in love with a pattern that they already know Photo: Getty Images via BBC According to BeckerPhelps, many people tend to fall in love with a pattern that they already know to them Photo: Getty Images via BBC
Leslie adds that in a healthy situation, someone can be attracted to a positive quality like kindness, empathy or generosity and the relationships end up working out.
“But some people are attracted to dynamics and characteristics that are toxic to them, and then it becomes a problem.”
Both psychologists cite attachment theory as one of the main reasons why many people tend to stick with the same mistakes.
It is a psychological and evolutionary theory formulated by the British psychiatrist and psychoanalyst John Bowlby (19071990) after the end of World War II that attempts to explain human relationships.
Bowlby argues that from a young age we develop a relationship with our primary caregiver, usually our mother or father, that shapes us and will determine our pursuit of closeness in future relationships.
The theory suggests four main types of attachment: Secure Attachment; Avoidant Attachment; Anxious/ambivalent attachment; Disorganized attachment.
According to psychologists, you develop a secure attachment when your caregiver responds appropriately and consistently to your needs as a child and thus succeeds in building a stable parental bond.
In avoidant attachment, the person tries to maintain distance from the person to whom their attachment is directed. In ambivalent attachment, the person desires closeness to the partner but at the same time maintains resistance. In disorganized attachment, the person’s behavior is confusing and has no clear pattern.
If you have an overly protective, pushy, neglectful, or inconsistent parent or caregiver, you likely have an insecure attachment, which often leads certain people to end up in toxic relationships.
“If you don’t actively work to change your attachment, you may end up following the same pattern,” warns psychologist Jessica Maxwell, a researcher at McMaster University in Ontario.
“It is known that people with avoidant attachments end up with people with anxious/ambivalent attachments because both are attracted to each other,” he adds.
“But that’s the worst thing that can happen because you end up with dependent people who reinforce the desire to keep your distance.”
3 out of 4 When babies don’t receive consistent support from their parents, they often develop an anxious attachment Photo: Getty Images via BBC When babies don’t receive consistent support from their parents, they often develop an anxious attachment Photo: Getty Images via BBC
In her book Insecure in Love, Leslie BeckerPhelps explains how attachments can create barriers to healthy, secure connections in adult romantic relationships.
Her research focuses on anxious/ambivalent attachments and how these can lead to jealousy, dependence and worry.
The psychologist guarantees that those who have an avoidant or anxiousambivalent attachment are more prone to repeating problematic dynamics or “dating déjà vu” due to the insecurities they may have developed in childhood.
“If you see yourself as a person deserving of love and find someone who is emotionally available, you are likely to develop a healthy relationship,” he explains.
“But those who feel unworthy of love or affection turn to other people to help them feel better.”
BeckerPhelps says that people with anxious/ambivalent attachment can develop a healthy relationship with anyone who offers them the support they need.
“On the other hand, it is unfortunately common for people to get stuck in relationships with avoidant partners who belittle them and become detached from them the more they become attached to them.”
The expert adds that this type of relationship generally ends in a vicious circle in which the person with the anxious/ambivalent attachment seeks out the person with the avoidant attachment and the latter moves away when they see the anxious/ambivalent person approaching comes close, but gives them a little affection, enough to keep them from giving up on the relationship.
It is a dynamic that can last for years and, according to the psychologist, is one of the most common in “dating déjà vu”.
4 out of 4 people with low selfesteem often experience “déjà vu” when dating Photo: Getty Images via BBC People with low selfesteem often experience “déjà vu” when dating Photo: Getty Images via BBC
Personality is more important
Jessica Maxwell points out that other factors, such as low selfesteem, can also trigger “dating déjà vu.”
According to a study published in April this year in the journal Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, aspects such as beauty, humor and intelligence become less important when looking for a partner as people get older.
But individual preferences for qualities such as warmth, honesty, selfconfidence or adventurousness remain, both among men and women.
This suggests that many people who have a preferred type rarely have it again.
How to stop dating déjà vu?
According to BeckerPhelps, selfawareness and selfcompassion are one of the first steps to stop falling in love with the same type of person when this is problematic.
“If you are aware that you are repeating a pattern that does not suit you, and do so with selfcompassion, without blaming yourself or feeling bad, you can anticipate and avoid repeating the same mistake,” he points out .
By recognizing the pattern, you can calibrate your options and decide whether you want to embark on another adventure similar to the previous one or try another relationship that might be healthier.
Maxwell also recommends selfawareness and therapy to stop making the same mistakes.
The psychologist explains that the key to a healthy and successful relationship is being with a sensitive partner who is responsive to your needs.
“Someone who loves you, who tries to understand and support you, and who gives you validation.”
Maxwell also believes that we should abandon the idea that it is possible to find a “soul mate” or “significant other” with whom you share exactly the same tastes.
“It’s important to understand that there isn’t just one type of person you can be happy with and that in order to be happy you have to be openminded.”