A gay author has revealed the most common mistakes straight people make when trying to be an LGBTQ+ ally.
London-based author and broadcaster Matt Cain was the first-ever culture editor of Channel 4 News, is a former editor-in-chief of Attitude magazine and currently hosts Virgin Radio Pride.
His latest book, The Secret Life of Albert Entwistle, celebrates how British society is much more accepting of homosexuals – but the author says straight people can often be unintentionally offending.
Common pitfalls include being too familiar, assuming that all gay people are attracted to one another, and not understanding the gay or lesbian experience.
Here, Matt reveals the common mistakes straight people make when it comes to members of the LGBTQ community.
A gay author has revealed the most common mistakes straight people make when trying to be an ally
It’s such a waste!
Let’s not pretend that people only care about each other as potential sexual or romantic partners. There are a plethora of other ways that different types of relationships with different people can enrich all of our lives.
Telling a gay person that their existence is wasteful can only make them feel like something is wrong with them or that they have failed in some way.
And if that’s how you felt growing up — if you’ve wanted, or even tried, to be straight for years, you may be unknowingly reopening an old wound.
Why didn’t you come out of the closet earlier?
Some of us take a long time to understand our sexuality, and sometimes we resist it because we’ve been told it’s dirty or gross. When we stop fighting, sometimes we feel ashamed.
So instead of criticizing us for how long it took to tell you, try reflecting on some of the fears that may have been holding us back.
Remember the innocent excitement of your first kiss – and realize how different that experience is likely to have been for us. Understanding our experiences and how they make us feel is an important part of being a good ally.
Common pitfalls include being too familiar, assuming that all gay people are attracted to one another, and not understanding the gay or lesbian experience, says Matt Cain
what are you doing in bed
If this question is aimed at lesbians, it suggests that without a man to penetrate them, the sex must be somehow lacking.
Yes, two female sex partners may not have a penis, but there are many other body parts that can be used to stimulate pleasure — not to mention sex aids.
Use your imagination until you know a gay woman well enough to open up about your own sex life and put it in a context where it’s appropriate.
If the question is directed at a gay man, this can often be a means of finding out what role he plays in penetrative sex, whether he is active or passive, or “up” or “down”.
But there are times when this type of sexually explicit question can involve crossing a line. How well do you know this person? Would you be comfortable if they asked you about your sex life?
I’ve found that people are generally too familiar when it comes to talking about sex with gay people. Because our sexuality places us outside of the mainstream (and, until recently, respectability), one of the reasons many straight women enjoy our company is so they don’t have to pretend to be a “good girl” and are much more expressive about themselves can be sexual desires without fear of judgment.
Why do we still need Pride Month?
Pride is the opposite of shame, and one of the functions of Pride events is to balance the shame that many of us feel about our sexuality.
They also exist to honor the sacrifices made by gay, lesbian and bisexual people of the past, people who have endured family rejection, occupational dismissal, social exclusion, criminal convictions, imprisonment, torture, electroshock therapy and chemical castration.
Another aim of the Pride events is to pay tribute to those who fought so hard for equal rights – and not just us, but our allies too! It’s also important to remember all the countries around the world that don’t have the same level of acceptance as we do; there are still over 60 who criminalize same-sex relationships.
In our digital age, reporting on Pride can send a message of hope to the people of these countries.
And again, one of the most powerful ways to do this is to have our direct allies by our side!
Thank you for your support and Happy Pride Month!
But try to understand that one of the reasons gay culture is so hypersexualized is that for years we were defined by what we did in bed. It’s far better — and far more respectful — to look at ourselves by who we love.
Who is the man and who is the woman in the relationship?
That is very reductive – not only for gays. None of us should have to fit into a box of traditional gendered behaviors, and that includes straight women. Think about what this question means and what it says about men and women and how they should behave.
Then ask yourself why you can’t be more dominant or practical than your male partner. Why you can’t be the main breadwinner or garbage man when cooking or doing housework. Would any of these things make you less of a woman? Would they make you the “man” in the relationship?
One of the greatest privileges in a same-sex relationship is being able to set your own boundaries and not feeling obligated to behave in any way.
And one of the reasons women readers have told me they like my books is because they find my stories of gay men fighting expectations and breaking free from convention liberating — and also giving them permission to get out of the break out the drawer. I love hearing that I have inspired straight women and made them feel more free!
I consider it payback for all the times these strong, independent girls stood up for me in the schoolyard!
you don’t seem gay
When you say that to a gay guy, you’re unconsciously judging them against stereotypical traits or behaviors, such as the idea that all gay men are good at giving fashion advice, like going on shopping sprees or spa days, or are outrageous when it comes to trendy cocktails tell funny jokes.
None of these are insults per se — they can even be meant as a compliment — but they can suggest that we’re cartoon characters rather than full human beings.
Think of some of the stereotypes you’ve had to face as a woman over the years — or some of the behaviors people have come to expect from you. Being pigeonholed can only limit a person’s individuality. And we’re all wonderfully unique.
I kissed a girl once and I liked it
Straight men can sometimes be vocal about how much they enjoy watching two women perform some sort of lesbian act for their sexual satisfaction. This can make straight women feel pressured to engage in such activities — and I’ve known quite a few who have kissed girlfriends out of genuine curiosity.
All of this is perfectly fine and, in some cases, healthy. But please don’t make the mistake of thinking that this is similar to the experience of being a lesbian, someone defined by their attraction to other women – and often judged for it.
How do you know you’re gay if you’ve never had sex with a member of the opposite sex?
The simple answer to that is, “How do you know you’re straight if you’ve never done it with a member of the same sex?”
But if we keep raising the question, we run into the implication that if we had sex with a member of the opposite sex, it might somehow make us straight. But imagine how you would feel if someone suggested that you would become a lesbian if you tried lesbian sex.
I know a gay man – I should set you two up!
Thanks for the good intentions, but just because we’re both gay doesn’t mean we’re attracted to each other.
Again, this idea only reduces us to what we do in bed. Other than that, I’ve had a lot of great dates and even a few relationships with guys that my girlfriends set me up with. But in these cases, much more detail was given than just my sexuality.
So if you know a gay man who you think might be a really good match for another friend, do yourself justice and explain why. If you do this, your efforts will be far more likely to result in success!
I wish I was gay; things would be so much easier.
Although we now have equal rights and even enjoy certain privileges, that statement is disparaging of the challenges some of us have had to go through. The horrible things we heard about growing up and for older members of our community, the discrimination and prejudice we suffered.
Remember, just 25 years ago we didn’t have the same age of consent as straight people, couldn’t serve in the military, didn’t have protections from discrimination in the workplace, and couldn’t marry or adopt children.
Although homosexual acceptance is much higher, hate crimes are still common today; Earlier this year, three people were jailed for the homophobic murder of a Cardiff doctor. While comments about how simple our lives are now may be well intentioned, they can still be disrespectful.
The Secret Life of Albert Entwistle Releases June 1st in Paperback (Headline Review)