I found myself in a difficult situation. I recently realized that I have an illness that has left me permanently single.
And confess it’s all my fault.
I discovered it late at night when I was wide awake and having an existential crisis. I pondered the age old question, “Why am I still single?” I then did an extensive Google search and found the answer around 3:15 am.
To put it bluntly, it seems I’m single due to an NRE addiction.
What the heck is NRE you ask? It stands for “New Relationship Energy”. It’s that intense desire and passion at the beginning of a relationship and it’s frankly bee knees!
“It looks like I’m single due to an NRE addiction,” writes Jana
Opinion poll
Do you suffer from an NRE addiction?
- Yes, 152 votes
- No 729 votes
It’s the excitement you feel when he starts texting you. It’s the rush you feel when you share your fist kiss. It’s the first few magical dates. It’s that post-glow aura after you finally have sex. It’s the butterflies and all the jazz.
It’s exciting, new and mysterious.
Unfortunately, what goes up must also come down. And to be perfectly honest, as soon as things get more relaxed and my husband falls off the pedestal that I unfairly put him to the test, my interest wanes. Yes, NRE is a cruel beast.
Through my personal research, I’ve found that this usually happens after about three months, and believe it or not, it’s incredibly common in women in their 30s. Seriously, the science backs me up, but we’ll get to that later.
You know, between dates with a man who was completely emotionally unavailable (which turned out to be the perfect partner for someone addicted to NRE), I met a man who really ticked all the boxes. He was an engaging business owner who was thoughtful and interesting and I was very attracted to him. We had some great dates and he even met my friends (which is a big cheer for me) but then I woke up one morning to his big beautiful smile and immediately wanted him to leave.
“To be honest, once things calm down and my husband falls off the podium because I unfairly put him to the test, my interest wanes,” she says
He suggested breakfast, which any girl who’s ever dated fboys would find a pretty nice touch. But I longed for my bed. I wanted a quiet morning with my dog and a coffee.
Here was a guy who offered me the companionship I so craved and I couldn’t get him out of my apartment fast enough. He literally said, “Yes, I’m into you and I’m willing to invest in this.” So why was I pushing him away? Even while I was writing the text “It’s not up to you, it’s up to me”, I thought deep inside: “You will regret that, Jana.”
That’s because I didn’t have that NRE energy anymore – and it turns out to be incredibly addictive. The thought of never having a first kiss again makes me depressed. In fact, our bodies are scientifically tuned to make the most of it.
It turns out that when we have NRD, our bodies become inundated with the feel-good chemicals dopamine, oxytocin, and vasopressin. All three make a powerful cocktail of pure joy.
However, as with all pleasurable things, NRE has a side effect, which in this case is called anxiety. Yes, NRE causes both fear and pleasure to flood your body – which is why you get that super intense feeling when it happens to you.
It turns out that when we have NRD, our bodies become inundated with the feel-good chemicals dopamine, oxytocin, and vasopressin. All three make a powerful cocktail of pure joy
That’s why so many of us jump from one relationship to the next—we’re all just looking for that next big, beautiful burst of dopamine and can’t get enough of it.
But for someone like me who’s been on the dating roller coaster for far too long, you have to stop and get off at some point.
Now, at the age of 38, the time has come. I’m ready to settle down, and I like the idea of finding my “personality forever” (I know, puke, but that’s the only phrase that really gets to the point). So how the hell do I stop abandoning ship at the NRE? starts to fade?
Well, thankfully, when that happens, as many in long-term relationships assure me, it’s not all grim.
So maybe we’re not all attachment phobics. Maybe we’re all just addicted to “New Relationship Energy”? Something to think about and hopefully get over. Down with dopamine dating! (no matter how fun it is)
My slightly creepy but very fabulous French therapist has some great tips and tricks.
1. If I feel like my relationship is losing its honeymoon spark and I notice my dopamine, serotonin, and endorphin levels dropping, instead of cutting the whole thing off, I should just slow down a little.
2. When I feel the need to run, I should practice centering techniques such as grounding in nature and deep breathing. I don’t have to believe every thought that says “let it go”, I just need to take a moment and feel it and then let it happen.
3. If I’m worried I’m in a boring relationship, I should organize a date that will get the endorphins pumping. Instead of spending a quiet evening with a movie and a pizza, go rock climbing. I can get that NDE rush back by constantly finding new exciting things to do with my partner. Mix it up a little.
4. Give me time to miss her. So instead of seeing her a few times a week, just put a date in your diary and actively look forward to it.
So maybe we’re not all attachment phobics. Maybe we’re all just addicted to “New Relationship Energy”? Something to think about and hopefully get over. Down with dopamine dating! (No matter how fun it is).