“Why am I still single? What’s wrong with me?’
Many people have asked themselves this question at some point in their lives.
Sometimes the answer seems obvious to everyone but the individual person (they date absolute losers); in other cases, it is an utter mystery to all who know them.
Because the duration of staying single is influenced by a complex interplay of individual differences, life circumstances and personal decisions.
Here’s my take on the journey through the maze to the love that’s waiting for you on the other side.
“Why am I still single? What’s wrong with me?’ Many people have asked themselves this question at some point in their lives (archive image)
THE THINGS YOU CONTROL
Let’s look at the practical things first.
You don’t meet enough people
Not meeting the right person can mean that you are incompatible with many people. You need a very specific type of person that doesn’t come along very often. Dating is a numbers game: don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. The more people you meet, the greater your chance of finding love.
Accept any invitation that means you will meet new people. Ideally, it would be people your age, but grandmothers have grandchildren and granddaughters, people have friends, brothers, sisters, mothers, fathers.
You’re not going to the right places
“I’m outside all the time!” I hear you say. But where?
Hanging out with a friend who’s married and has four kids doesn’t count. You need to be in places that attract the people you want to date. A gym, a pub, a restaurant, a park, a cafe. (A boxing club, a choir, a Scrabble group — if you know you want a certain type, join them.)
If you are already visiting these places, move on to others.
Change gyms, go to a different pub, to a different neighborhood. If your place hasn’t lost a single customer in two years, why on earth are you still drinking there every weekend?
You have stopped actively searching
It’s not enough just to be in the right place, you have to work the space.
If you are looking for a partner, scan the room – every single room you enter – to see if there is someone who is attractive and suitable. If this is the case, catch their gaze and hold their gaze for a while to see if there is any interest on their part. If you’re hanging out with a friend, use your body language to make it clear that they’re not a romantic partner. Keep checking back and send a smile every now and then to encourage them to reach out.
Don’t just watch on weekends
Chances are, when you meet the love of your life, you’re not quite so chic, you’ve had two drinks, and you’re in your best shape. They could be anywhere! Just look at certain times and you’ll miss out on dozens of opportunities.
I recently met up with a single friend at a restaurant. There she was, predictably, looking at her phone. A man her age, without a wedding ring, sat next to the table eating lunch with another couple. By the time I got to her and nudged her, it was too late. He wanted to go. But not without glancing back to examine them.
Why didn’t she do the recommended room scan? “It’s Tuesday noon. I wasn’t in that mode.
Sex expert Tracey Cox (pictured) has revealed the real reasons you’re single and what you can do about it
THINGS YOU PROBABLY DON’T WANT TO HEAR
Now let’s move on to some sensitive issues.
The things your bossy aunt might have rudely pointed out. The things people who love you would like to say but don’t want to say for fear of hurting you.
THINGS YOU HAVE LITTLE CONTROL OVER
I firmly believe that we must take control of our own destiny, but there is no doubt that certain uncontrollable factors influence our search for a partner.
your attachment style
Attachment theory suggests that our early relationships with parents (or primary caregivers) influence our romantic relationships.
There are four types of attachment styles: secure, fearful, avoidant, and disorganized. The names pretty much describe them. Safe means that you felt this way when you were a child and that you are in love. Anxious guys tend to have had an inconsistent upbringing, which makes them clingy as adults. Avoidant people have learned to rely only on themselves and are therefore wary of being vulnerable. Disorganized people are often victims of childhood trauma, neglect, or abuse.
Your natural attachment style cannot be changed, but you can change the way it affects your relationships by choosing your partners carefully. Working with a “safe” person helps mitigate the negative aspects of the other unsafe styles.
Your main personality traits
Extroverts find it easier to find partners than introverts. You like to be on the move, like to make the first step and feel comfortable talking to everyone. Introverts enjoy their own company, dislike social gatherings, and tend to be too shy to make advances.
Where you live and how much you earn
When you live in a tiny village and mostly care about the aging parents, you have the double burden of a tiny dating pool and no time to explore.
When you’re struggling to pay the rent and support yourself, dating becomes even more stressful. What if they chose an expensive meeting place? Sometimes even coffee is enough.
Doesn’t fit the cliché
Society is changing – we are much more inclusive than ever. But our stereotypical notions of “handsome” or “a catch” haven’t changed dramatically. If you are a bit too quirky, tall/small/thin/fat than ideal for most people’s tastes, it may take longer to find a mate. Poor health or disability are other factors that can complicate the process.
Get ready.
You punch above your weight
Attractiveness is subjective, but there are traits that most agree appeal to most people: symmetry, good health, a confident demeanor, pleasant demeanor.
In order to find a partner, it is crucial to have a realistic idea of your own attractiveness.
I have worked on many TV shows and projects aimed at finding love for people who have been single for a long time. One thing that surprised me was how many rated their own attractiveness as much higher than it was. When asked about the type of person they want to date, they would aim higher by at least two or three points. The sad truth was that the person she would like to date probably doesn’t want to date them.
Relationships are a compromise.
If you are looking for a partner who is rich and successful but you are not yourself, you should have beauty, wit, charisma, good upbringing, intelligence or self-confidence.
People who find mates easily instinctively choose people who are roughly on the same level of attractiveness as themselves. Not only does this mean you have a greater chance of moving, it also makes you happier in the long run. Love thrives when you both feel like you’re making a “good deal” out of the relationship.
You set the bar too low
Do the people you date seem amazed that they are with you? Do your friends and family seem skeptical when you introduce potential partners, with “they’re not good enough for you” written all over their faces?
If you’ve been single for a long time, it’s natural (and maybe sensible) to back down a bit. Drop her too many times, and you set yourself up for a relationship that will ultimately leave you unsatisfied (and uncomfortable on her end, too).
They strictly adhere to a physical “type”
We form an image of our “ideal partner” early in life, but adapt as we mature. You swore you’d never date a blonde? Her now husband comes over and it goes out the window.
It’s wise to have a wish list of personality traits that you insist on (kindness, generosity, kind to animals). It is foolish to insist on a certain height, income level, body type, schooling, dress style (etc.) and never waver.
Unimportant things are on your wish list
“I could never date someone who is short-changed,” is a common statement from women. And completely ridiculous.
A close friend of mine has never been happier than she is today. Her partner is fun, kind, considerate and loved by all her friends and family. He is a great lover, financially stable and attractive.
She almost dumped him on the first date just because he was smaller than she wanted. “John (ex-husband) was over 6 feet tall! How can I date someone who is 5’7?” she asked. Maybe because he meets so many other criteria? Because he’s the only one who has met more than three criteria for you in the last five years?
I told her and she agreed to try and get over it. It took two appointments. Now she berates herself. “I can’t believe I could have missed all of this for something that doesn’t matter at all.”
They make bad decisions and don’t see warning signs
Always choosing the pretty boys who end up cheating? The person who needs saving and drags you down with them? Do you find nice guys “boring” and are you looking for a man who promises excitement? How quickly the highs of this roller coaster relationship give way to the exhaustion and despair of the lows.
If your problem isn’t meeting people but choosing the wrong people, do yourself a favor and find a good therapist to help you figure out why. (Find one at relate.org.uk, bacp.co.uk, or mind.org.uk.)
Five questions that will tell you if you’re too picky
This is a question we all inevitably ask ourselves after we’ve been single for a while. Answer yes to four or more of these questions and you have the answer: Yes!
Do you spend the first date throwing off questions designed to reveal status or wealth? It’s a date, not an interview, and they know you’re fishing. It’s okay to ask where they went to school. The question of what her father does for a living and what kind of car they drive is not the case.
None of your partners have ever lived up to your expectations. Nobody was ever good enough. Not when you were seven, 17, or 37. Your friend’s partner didn’t make it either.
Your boyfriend, who scores similarly on the attractiveness scale, goes out with you on ten dates. The point here is pretty obvious, don’t you think?
You erase people after the first date. Give people at least a second chance before they decide. First impressions are often wrong and they don’t always have to be marathon dinner dates. Catch up after a first date for a coffee or a walk, that was fine but didn’t blow your mind just to check you hadn’t missed anything.
You won’t even have coffee with someone who isn’t physically your type. A joke as sharp as a razor blade, the ability to really listen to you, to make you laugh (literally)—all of these can change your perception of what someone looks like when you give them a chance.
EMOTIONAL FACTORS THAT COULD HOLD YOU WITHBACK
Sometimes we are aware that our mind is playing games. Sometimes we are not even aware of how much our subconscious influences us. You may think you’re ready for love; Your inner self might disagree.
You’re still stuck with an ex
If you’re still longing for what’s eluded you, you won’t be open to anyone new. Many people give lip service to wanting a relationship, but secretly stand still, waiting for an old lover to show up again.
You’re afraid of getting hurt
Love requires vulnerability and risk. No one can ever guarantee a happy ending, no matter how good the two of you are. People go, people die, people change. It takes courage to take that leap, and not everyone is ready for it.
Fear of looking stupid can also keep you from getting out there. Suppose you set up an online profile and nobody answers. You go on a date and you like them but they don’t like you? You have nothing more to say? Or (insert your special request).
You have a problem”
Trust or attachment issues, fear of abandonment. Your childhood, your parents’ relationship, past trauma or negative experiences: they all leave their scars.
If you love a relationship so much but find it incredibly draining or stressful, a visit to a good therapist could be just what you need to move forward.
Tracey’s SexTok podcast with Tracey and Kelsey comes out every Wednesday. Visit Traceycox.com for details on their product lines, books and blog.