What can make two young people in their twenties healthy, in love, without stress or other problems, without sexual pathologies and with an economy that allows them to live in their own apartment, should resort to couples therapy, because although they have done it have cravings, haven’t had sex in months? What strange cosmic force keeps them from wearing out mattresses and breaking box springs they use so often?
Most likely, the answer lies in the mind, the so-called “crazy monkey” of Buddhists, which often drives the ship of existence. False beliefs, which have always been the major obstacle for homo sapiens to reach their full potential. Different ideas and ideologies, chastity belts with an impregnable security lock. While the various religions in the past and still today demonized pleasurable sex and eroticism, today there is a whole range of terms that, if misinterpreted, can represent the strongest sexual defense.
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X and Y are a straight couple in their 20s with no health or financial problems who have recently started living together. With a feminist profile and a very equal division of responsibilities, both separately maintain certain friendships, but admit that they love and love each other. Sex is very important in her life and a frequent topic of conversation with her colleagues and even with their respective parents; but they decide to see a sexologist because they haven’t been in a relationship for four months. She is the one he always wants and he starts to feel too much pressure from his partner; guilty at the same time because he doesn’t always feel like it and he can’t satisfy her either. Her friends’ sexual adventures only add to her sense of wasted time and frustration.
“This profile abounds in couples therapy consultations because, oddly enough, there are now more problems in young people than in older people,” says Francisca Molero, gynecologist, sexologist, director of the Iberoamerican Institute of Sexology and president of the Spanish Federation of Societies of Sexology . “If the situation continues, she will start not being so understanding and he may even have erection problems. The basis of this problem can be very high and unrealistic standards for what sexuality and desire should be, often caused by porn or the stories others tell us about their sexual exploits that are not always true. Despite a lot of information, there is a lack of sex education that banishes myths or false beliefs,” says Molero.
Added to diversity, the banner of the new age, is relational diversity. “Sexuality is a biopsychosocial and cultural dimension and is therefore strongly shaped by the present,” says Miren Larrazabal, clinical psychologist, sexologist and President of the International Society of Specialists in Sexology (SÍSEX). “There are very different sexualities, starting with the spectrum of asexuality. People who have no relationships but caress and kiss, although they do not go further. Couples who decide together not to have penetration to avoid the patriarchal model of heteronormative sexual relationships. Lots of kinky sex, BDSM, open relationships, readers of Promiscuous Ethics by Dossie Easton and Janet W. Hardy moving towards polyamory while at the same time young people with more traditional relationships than their parents’, with lots of jealousy and constant demands for tokens of love.” .
There is a great desire to experiment, but does this correspond to a true spirit of adventure or a desire to follow fashion, even if it doesn’t favor us? Are we fashion victims of the erotic trends of the time, confusing free love with neoliberal or consumerist love, without affective responsibility? Do we put ideology above our authentic sexual preferences?
It’s tragic for many couples to go from simple, testosterone-filled sex, from falling in love, to more peaceful and relaxed ones. In the long run, passion is undoubtedly lost, but intimacy is gained
Toni Martín, doctor, clinical sexologist and couples therapist
This experimentation can cause headaches, as in the case of polyamorous people who come to the clinic for jealousy issues. “The first thing someone has to consider is whether this option, as valid and respectable as any other, suits their erotic personality,” says Toni Martín, a doctor, clinical sexologist and couples therapist with private practice in Barcelona. “I always say that you have to know each other sexually. My theory is that there are four well differentiated typologies depending on what fantasies you have. There are romantic fantasies, those seeking new sensations, those involving strangers, and those rooted in power relations. If you’re romantic, polyamory won’t get along; just as those looking for new sensations will more than once find monogamy difficult to adhere to”.
“Everything cools down,” says Martín. “It’s the second law of thermodynamics, but it’s tragic for many couples to go from simple, testosterone-filled sex, from falling in love, to more peaceful and relaxed, from oxytocin, after a while. In the long run, passion is undoubtedly lost, but intimacy is gained,” confirms this expert.
Have we become so lazy that we can only have relationships with the excitement of a teenager in full hormonal rage and the lust of a lion in his rut week, when he can copulate up to 40 times a day? “A misconception of desire shared by many young people is to believe that if this feeling is not experienced, this is an event where you almost lose control of yourself and sex is not possible,” Larrazabal points out, “but what they wear I don’t know that desire doesn’t always come first. Sometimes you have to start getting excited about wanting to do an act of presence later. This misconception leads many people to believe that they are suffering from decreased sexual desire when they are not.
In this seemingly hypersexualized world, the frequency of relationships has dropped drastically, and studies back it up. “I blame two important factors for this,” says Toni Martín, “on the one hand there are social networks and screens after 10 p.m. that prevent us from disconnecting. For this reason, one of the first measures we propose in relation problems is the digital blackout, which begins at certain times and on certain days.” On the other hand, there is pornography: “The porn excess has accustomed people to very strong stimuli, which then no longer correspond to everyday life. With porn, it’s very easy to get aroused, but the level of satisfaction is inversely proportional, not counting the emptiness it leaves.
“There is an enormous self-demanding of sexuality that creates problems where there are none
Francisca Molero, Director of the Iberoamerican Institute for Sexology
It’s also possible that mere mortals are losing their flow compared to the operated, muscular, and made-up super-beings who appear in porn fiction, which many interpret as pure and, above all, harsh reality. “There is an enormous self-demand to sexuality that creates problems where there are none,” says Francisca Molero. “You have to be physically perfect, always ready, and relationships become a test, a constant way of testing yourself to reach unrealistic standards. This creates a lot of anxiety and in the long run can lead to certain pathologies such as erectile dysfunction,” he adds.
Conditions such as dyspareunia (pain during sexual intercourse) or vaginismus (pain that makes penetration impossible) have increased in women in recent decades. “They almost always have a psychological basis,” emphasizes Larrazabal. “The first may be due to a lack of erotic play, a desire to please the partner, or self-imposed practices that we dislike but believe we should engage in. These pain problems can lead to a relationship or penetration phobia,” adds the expert.
“Because of the amount of information that we have, there’s a tremendous amount of mental variability around sex,” concludes Toni Martín. “We find ourselves in a scattered mind looking for new sensations; but sexuality focuses attention on the body, on physical play, on the senses. Our duty today is to turn off the mind temporarily in order to connect with the body.
Rita Abundance She is a journalist, sexologist and author of the website RitaReport.net.